Snakes on a Plane Page #2

be the sky candy on this flight.

You're looking especially

delicious this evening.

I love it when you

demean me, Rick.

My pleasure.

I gotta go fly a big plane.

- Hi, doll.

- Hi there, Rick.

Isn't he smooth?

Yes, sir. I'm soaking

the leis with it.

The pheromone will make

these guys go f***ing crazy.

Duke.

Leave it, Duke.

- Ladies.

- Welcome aboard.

Agent Flynn.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is the final boarding call

- for South Pacific Air, flight 121...

- Aloha.

- Thank you.

- with nonstop service to Los Angeles.

- Aloha.

- No no no, the hair.

Aloha.

Unfortunately, first class

is overbooked.

But there's plenty of room for you

to stretch out in coach,

which is less than half full.

For the inconvenience,

we are offering you

a free travel coupon

good on any South Pacific

Air flight.

A free travel coupon won't help me get

to my meeting on time, now will it?

Sir, I'm pretty sure

that coach gets to Los Angeles

about the same time

as first.

Funny. Does my premium awards

membership come with sarcasm,

or should I speak

to your supervisor, Claire?

This better be a matter

of national security.

Did I just hear

there's no first class?

I'm afraid only coach

is available.

Coach?

Is it safe there?

Yes, it is safe there.

Never flown

first class before.

See, things are

looking up already.

So how long you and Mr. Personality

been working together?

Um... five years,

one blown marriage each.

He's the toughest

son of a b*tch I ever met.

Wow.

Yep, that's us.

The glamour

and the glory.

Flynn, the captain's patching us

through to Harris for the flight.

Harris,

Special Agent Harris.

Harris, so how's

the new promotion?

- I'm loving it.

- That was a little quick.

- Wanna try again?

- No no, I'm serious, man.

You know, no more-- no more

junk food hangovers

after all-night stakeouts,

you know?

I'm actually spending nights

in bed with my wife.

She's hot.

You know, and my kids,

you know, forget about 'em.

They're kids.

I'm just spending every

waking minute with them.

You know, they're fun.

Please, this is me

you're talking to.

You know you miss it.

You miss the action.

You're bored to tears. So what are you

actually doing with your time?

- Surfing the net.

- Porn, no doubt.

No, hey, eBay,

my cynical-minded friend.

I'm right in the middle of a bidding war

with this punk-ass kid from lowa

for this black velvet...

Pamela Anderson poster.

Not technically porn.

So how's

Eddie Kim doing?

You ain't gotta worry about him.

He ain't going anywhere.

No, I got three teams on him,

so he's not gonna move.

All right, I'll see you

on the other side.

Are you sure

about this?

Accidents happen.

You think I didn't exhaust

every other option?

He saw me!

You're gonna be right down

this aisle to the left.

- Thank you.

- Oh, look at the little baby.

- He's beautiful.

- Thank you.

Oh, beautiful.

- Cheese.

- First, they stick me in coach

and then they put a freaking dog

next to me. What the hell is next?

Oh, you're adorable.

Okay.

Oh, great.

Just great.

Is there

a problem, mister?

Oh, gee,

what do you think?

Will you at least

get that vermin to shut up?

Don't worry, Mary Kate.

His hair plugs

can't hurt you.

F***ing dog, f***ing coach,

f***ing Americans!

Hi. Oh, I'm really sorry about first

class. Let me see if I can help--

Oh, oh, sweet-- Could you let her know

not to touch me, son?

Oh, please,

don't touch the man.

Man don't like to be touched.

We'll find our own seats.

Oh, sorry.

Here's some coupons.

- You all right, man?

- Yeah, I'm all right, man.

All right.

Coach ain't looking

so bad after all.

Bad boy.

Hey, yo, check it.

Check it out, check it out.

You like that.

Baby got back, front

and side-to-side.

Hey, y'all two get together,

y'all might have,

like, two 20-lb

babies or something.

Dad, why can't you

come with us?

Come on,

you're gonna be fine.

Bet you're even

gonna have fun.

- He's just being a baby.

- Curtis.

I'm counting on you to be a man.

Now what does a man do?

- He looks out for his family.

- That's right.

- Sir.

- Oh, sorry.

My wife is meeting them in LA.

It's their first time flying solo.

That's okay.

Hey.

- Can I tell you a secret?

- What?

- Guess who's on the plane?

- Who?

Three G's.

- For real?

- I bet you could meet him.

Come on, Tommy,

let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we would like to welcome

you to South Pacific Airlines

flight 121

nonstop service

from Honolulu

to Los Angeles. At this time, I would

like your full attention

as the flight attendants

demonstrate

the safety features

of this aircraft.

When the seat belt sign

illuminates,

you must fasten

your seat belt.

There are several emergency

exits on the aircraft,

located in

the forward section,

aft section

and over each wing.

In the event

of decompression...

an oxygen mask will

automatically drop

from a compartment

above your seat.

To start the flow

of oxygen,

pull the mask towards you,

place it firmly

over your nose

and mouth,

secure the elastic band behind your

head and breathe normally.

A lifejacket is located in a pouch

under your seat.

This is how you put it on.

Slip it over your head,

pass the straps

around your waist

and adjust loosely

at the front.

Tampering with, disabling or destroying

the smoke detectors located

in the lavatories

is prohibited by law.

We wish you

an enjoyable flight.

Radar indicates a bit

of weather up ahead.

We might catch

a few bumps in the road,

but we'll be above most of it.

If you need anything at all,

you just holler at one

of those gorgeous flight attendants

and they'll take good care of y'all.

Thank you.

Good evening.

Thank you.

I'm Tiffany.

Hi, Tiffany.

I'm Sean.

So, um, mind if I, um...

ask what you did?

Oh, me?

Nothing.

It's what I'm

supposed to do.

Ever heard of Eddie Kim?

Oh, who hasn't?

Oh, I was watching one

of those crime shows once,

you know, with the hokey

reenactments,

where he tortured this guy who was

a witness against him

by gouging out his eyes

and then feeding him

to some pigs.

Pretty gruesome stuff.

Yeah, he doesn't

mess around, that guy.

So, um, you know,

what are you--

what do you have to...

I'm a witness

for the prosecution.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

That is so...

hot.

I'm gonna miss these

night flights.

I enjoy the passengers so much better

when they're unconscious.

And you,

I'm gonna miss you.

- Excuse me.

- Yes.

- Can I get a gin and tonic?

- I'll be right back with that.

Thanks.

Ooh, wow.

In Hawaii for vacation?

Not really. I was there for

the kickboxing tournament.

Oh my God.

You're a kickboxer?

Me too.

Well, I take a kickboxing

class with Lonnie, Malibu Fitness.

Uh-huh.

- Awesome cardio.

- Good for you.

My girlfriend and I

go Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Yeah, girlfriend.

Right.

Wait, wait.

Watch this.

Come on, take it easy, buddy.

You okay?

Son of a...

- Yeah, yeah.

- You all right, dude?

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