Snakes on a Plane Page #3

Hey, will you

look around?

Look around the plane.

How come there aren't

more people on this flight?

I can't figure it out.

Honey, 'cause it's

the red eye. Hmm?

Okay, okay.

- I'm sorry, sweetie.

- No, I accept-- I accept that.

If you hated flying this much,

why did you let me pick Hawaii

for our honeymoon?

'Cause that's where

you wanted to go.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

- Hmm, Bali, huh?

- What?

You said earlier you

wanted to go to Bali.

It's a very beautiful place.

I've been there.

You surf?

You don't look like a surfer.

- No disrespect.

- Hey, none taken.

And I did try it.

I figure, why spend all my time

in the ocean when I could lay on

the beach and admire all the beauties,

- you know what I mean?

- Yeah.

Couldn't stay on

your board, could you?

No. Fell off every time.

Got me.

- Can I help you?

- No, I'm just stretching my legs.

Big plane, plenty of

places to do it.

Plenty of other places

to do it, you mean.

I do something

wrong here?

Technically, no.

But maybe next time, you people

could give us a little heads up

before you commandeer

the plane.

You people?

Oh, no no no no.

l--

Hey, hey, don't stress it.

Just joking.

So can l-- can I get you

something or...

No, I'm cool.

Just pretend I'm not here.

Okay.

Psst.

Psst.

Psst.

- Hi.

- What's up?

This is Mary Kate.

- Yes, that's nice.

- And I'm Mercedes.

- You know, like the car, vroom vroom.

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

- Ooh, yeah.

- She likes you.

- Yeah, that's cool.

- Say hi.

- You are?

- Oh, come on now.

Yeah, I'm-I'm-I'm...

- Trying to steal my dog?

- Oh, believe me, I don't want the dog.

I'm kidding.

I know who you are.

- Yeah, I know you know who I am.

- Three G's.

All right, all right,

"Booty Go Thump."

Yeah, my booty went thump.

Yeah, I know

that's right.

That's tight.

That's tight.

Yeah, your dog, the dog.

No, that's good. It's cool.

- Yeah, l-- I love--

- Little kiss.

Yeah, I love dogs.

- Hi.

- Aloha.

Here.

- Come on, come out.

- Hurry.

You see, at the end

of the day,

the music business

is still a business.

You okay?

I'm-I'm-I'm good.

As I was saying,

see, I'm all about

taking the music

and the business

to the next level.

You know what I'm saying?

That's when evolution

becomes revolution.

Here, babe.

Screw it.

Harder.

Mile High Club.

Those were the days.

Oh. This guy

is really good.

Well, maybe not that good.

We just lost avionics.

Notify LAX.

LAX, Hula 1-2-1,

mayday, mayday, mayday.

We are 1,500 nautical miles

southwest of Los Angeles.

Repeat, mayday,

we have lost avionics.

Hula 1-2-1, heavy,

Los Angeles tower.

We acknowledge your emergency.

You have priority.

All right, give me the manual.

Take control.

I have control.

I'll be back.

How's my big boy?

Aw, f***!

F***ing b*tch!

Get off my dick!

Aw, f***!

F***.

'Cause, you know, keeping your sexy

right is part of the business too.

And if you

don't mind me saying,

it looks like you keep

your sexy very, very right.

Well, thank you.

- Have you ever acted before?

- No.

'Cause you know, l-- I would love to put

you in one of my pool-party videos.

- Oh, yeah?

- Throw a little thong on you--

- Excuse me, she just wants a treat.

- All right.

I can never find

anything in here.

Her doctor says

she's bipolar.

I almost beat the last level.

Hey, man, you playing

that damn video game?

Or was that video

game playing you, son?

- Damn!

- Found them.

Sir, I can assure you,

there's no strange smell.

Maybe you're

allergic to the leis.

Let me take

that for you.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, miss.

Any idea how long this

turbulence will last?

No, I'm okay.

Well, I'm gonna go

and ask the pilot.

Aw, sh*t, Rick,

we got smoke.

Something probably

arced in the avionics.

How much longer do you

think before we climb-- what happened?

We lost the board.

I gotta reset

the breakers.

- Keep her steady, Rick.

- All right.

Okay, Cap,

they're coming back!

That's it, old man,

we're back in busin--

Captain!

- Rick!

- What is it?

Something's happened

to the captain!

All right. Coming.

Oh, Christ.

- Did you-- did you see what happened?

- No.

Captain?

I think he's had

a heart attack.

Agent Flynn,

Agent Sanders,

can I see you

for a moment, please?

I flew with that man

for 10 years.

Let's go back.

We're halfway. It'd take longer

to get back to Honolulu

than keep going to LA.

Make sure everybody's

strapped in.

LAX tower,

this is Hula 1-2-1,

mayday, mayday, mayday,

pilot in command has suffered

a fatal heart attack.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Captain requests

- that you remain in your seats...

- Shhh.

with your

seat belts fastened.

Thank you.

Shhh, shhh.

Hi, how are you doing?

Think of it like

a roller coaster ride.

Do you like

roller coaster rides?

No, not really.

No, me neither.

They always make me sick.

Okay. Here's what

we're gonna do:

You are gonna

close your eyes

and count

very slowly to 10.

And when you open your eyes, you make

the funniest face you can at each other.

And whoever

laughs first loses.

Okay?

Best out of five wins.

And I will be back to

check on the winner.

One, two, three...

- Sir, seat belt please.

- Yeah. Great.

Thank you.

Oh my God!

What the--

What the hell?!

Ow! Ow!

- Whoa!

- Oh!

- Oh, sh*t!

- What the f***?!

I'll go.

Oh, sh*t.

- Get down!

- What the hell? It's snakes!

Rick, what's up with

the oxygen masks deploying?

Oh, sorry about that.

You're not gonna believe what came out

of the goddamn instrument panel.

What?

Look at this.

Goddamn snake, honey!

John! Stay up here!

Flynn!

I've got...

ophidiophobia--

fear of snakes.

Stay!

Mary Kate, sit!

Bad girl.

Bad, bad girl.

Come to the front, there aren't any

snakes here! It's safe.

Everybody, move forward!

Cautiously!

Come here.

Get out of my way!

Get out of the way!

Son of a b*tch!

- Out of the way, grandma!

- Oh!

What the--?

F***!

Oh my God, help!

Help!

Go, go!

Oh, f*** me!

Okay, okay.

Oh, f***, f***.

Oh, sh*t, sh*t!

Yeah-ha-ha-ha!

Who's your daddy

now, b*tch?!

Oh f***! Oh!

Man, you guys are supposed

to be watching my back!

Front, come on.

We gotta get to the front!

Grab a tray table!

Oh! Smash that!

Little b*tch!

Come on!

Move!

Oh, f***!

Oh, f***!

Ow! Get this f***ing

snake off my ass!

Oh, stop. You got

a snake on your ass! Yo, hold still!

- Get it off!

- Get him out! Get him out!

- Get him out of here!

- Come on, man!

Keep moving!

Keep moving!

Everybody listen!

We have to put a barrier

between us

and the snakes!

Grab everything from the overheads,

under the seats,

and let's build a wall.

Let's go!

- Ken! Do this.

- Okay.

Help me!

Please help me!

Hi-ya! I'm gonna

put you on my back.

And we're gonna move

towards the front, okay?

- No, I can't. No, I can't.

- Here we go! Come on.

Let's go. Yes, you can.

You can do it, come on, up!

- Here we go. Here we go.

- Mary Kate!

Here we go.

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