Snatch Page #5

He'll bet you for it.

What, like Tommy did last time?

Do me a favour?

I'll do you a favour.

You have first bet.

If I win, I get a caravan...

...and the boys get

a pair of them shoes.

If I lose...

...f*** it, I'll do the fight

for free.

The last thing I really

want to do is bet a pikey.

However, I don't really

have much of a choice.

Somehow I've got to get him to fight,

but if I lose...

Well, I don't even want

to think about losing.

Okay. I reckon the hare gets f***ed.

What? Proper f***ed?

You got that, London?

We're on!

I'll f***ing tell you!

Get those off me.

I'll tell you

who robbed your bookies.

Periwinkle blue. Bye, boys.

Who's proper f***ed now, then?

There's something very wrong

with this.

It was us that wanted

to buy a caravan off of him.

Well, why didn't you "bust a cap

in his ass" then, Tommy?

Mind you, you'd do more damage

if you threw it at him.

What? You saying I can't shoot?

Oh, no, Tommy.

I wasn't saying you can't shoot.

I know you can't shoot.

What we're saying is, that piece

of sh*t stuck in your trousers...

...would do more damage

if you fed it to him.

You saying the gun don't work?

You tried it?

Whoops.

I want to see

that sneaky f***ing Russian.

Why's he got a tea cosy on his head?

To keep his head warm.

-What happened to him?

-He got shot in the face.

I thought that was obvious.

What'd you do that for?

You mistake him for a rabbit?

-What do you want me to do?

-Sort it out.

-I'm not a witch doctor.

-But you are a bad boy yardie...

...and bad boy yardies should know how

to get rid of bodies.

I create the bodies,

I don't erase the bodies.

We're in, governor.

Goody gumdrops.

Get us a cup of tea,

would you, Errol?

Grab hold of his legs.

What do you think

I'm gonna grab him by, his ears?

Hope this is not a bad moment.

Do you know who I am?

I do.

Good. That will save me

some time, then.

Well, I don't.

You're always gonna have problems

lifting a body in one piece.

Apparently, the best thing to do...

...is cut up a corpse into six pieces

and pile it all together.

Would someone mind telling me,

who are you?

When you got your six pieces,

you gotta get rid of them.

It's no good leaving it in the freezer

for your mum to discover.

Then I hear the best thing

to do is feed them to pigs.

You gotta starve the pigs

for a few days...

...then the chopped-up body

will look like curry to a pisshead.

You gotta shave the heads of your

victims and pull the teeth out...

...for the piggies' digestion.

You could do this afterwards,

of course...

...but you don't want

to sieve through pigshit, do you?

They will go through bone like butter.

You need at least 16 pigs

to finish the job in one sitting...

...so be wary of any man

who keeps a pig farm.

They will go through a body

that weighs 200 pounds...

...in about eight minutes.

That means that a single pig...

...can consume two pounds

of uncooked flesh...

...every minute.

Hence the expression...

..."as greedy as a pig."

Well, thank you for that.

That's a great weight off me mind.

Now, if you wouldn't mind telling me

who the f*** you are...

...apart from someone who feeds people

to pigs, of course.

Do you know what "nemesis" means?

"A righteous infliction

of retribution...

...manifested by an

appropriate agent."

Personified, in this case,

by a horrible c*nt:

Me.

Gentlemen...

Why can't you find me Franky, Doug?

Avi, what do you want me to do?

I'm not a bounty hunter.

What about Tony?

Bullet-Tooth Tony.

Who's Bullet-Tooth--

-Tony!

-You silly f***.

He's a liability.

He'd find Moses and the burning bush.

You are gonna die, Tony!

He got shot six times,

had the bullets moulded into gold.

I shoot you, you go down!

He has two in his teeth

that Dad did, so he loves Dad.

Why don't you f***ing die?

-He's the best chance you got.

-Six times?

In one sitting.

You're in trouble now.

Sounds promising.

What are we waiting for?

Bonjour.

What's so f***ing important?

Why do you think

we've got a dead man...

-...missing an arm in our office?

-Talk to me, tell me.

You give us four days...

...I'll get you a stone the size

of a f***ing home. I kid you not.

What do you think, Errol?

I think we should drip-dry them,

while we got the chance.

It was a rhetorical question, Errol.

What have I told you about thinking?

-You got 48 hours.

-Yeah.

You can keep that silly, fat wanker.

The lads can't lift him.

Forty-eight hours.

After that it's your family...

...and the pigs finish

what the dogs don't do.

So, what should I call you?

Should I call you "Bullet"? "Tooth"?

Call me "Susan"

if it makes you happy.

Tony, there is a man

I'd like you to find.

That depends on all the elements

in the equation. How many are there?

Forty thousand.

Where was he last seen?

At a bookies.

Bookies?

Pass us the blower, Susi.

-Bookies got blagged last night.

-Blagged? Speak English.

This country spawned the language,

and nobody seems to speak it.

Blagged, robbed.

We'll see a man

that may know something.

I need a gun.

You don't, Rosebud, me old son.

You need me.

I got f***ing black ink all

over f*** boy.

He's stained for f***ing life.

That and the golden teeth as well.

F***ing hell--

All right, Mullet?

How you doing?

You all right, mate?

Nice tie.

I heard you weren't about that much.

Still warm, the blood

that courses through my veins.

Unlike yours, Mullet.

Who blagged Brick Top's bookies?

-Do me a favour, Tone.

-I will do you a favour, Mullet.

I'll not bash the f*** out of you

in front of all your girlfriends.

Gonna make it worth my while, mate?

Jesus, you know how it is, man.

Comfortable, Mullet?

It's sadly ironic it's that tie

that's got you into this pickle.

Now, you take all

the time you want, mate.

What the f*** you doing, Tone?

Driving down the street

with your head in my window.

-What you think I'm doing?

-Well, don't, Tone.

You been using dog sh*t

for toothpaste?

Slow down, Tone.

Slow down, Tony!

I don't think so.

I think I'll speed up.

Play some music if you like.

I love this track.

I want to know who blagged

Brick Top's bookies.

Yes, Mullet?

I think it's two black guys that work

from a pawn shop in Smith Street.

Better not be telling me porky pies.

I tell you, it's two black guys work

out of a pawnshop on Smith Street.

It's very effective, Tony.

It's not too subtle, but effective.

Are we taking him with us?

It's the Russian.

A Russian?

To be technical he's an Uzbekistanian.

Uzbekistanian? I've been dealing

with those sneaky Russian dogs.

-Give me a name.

-Yurinov.

Boris.

-Boris The Blade?

-Yeah.

As in Boris The Bullet-Dodger?

Why do they call him

The Bullet-Dodger?

Because he dodges bullets, Avi.

He won't fight unless

we buy his mum a caravan...

...and you nicked all our savings.

In the quiet words

of the Virgin Mary, come again?

He's a stubborn bastard. He said

Rate this script:3.5 / 2 votes