Snatch Page #6

he's got to look after his mum.

-Are you taking the piss?

-What can I do?

I can't make him do it, can I?

You're not much good to me alive,

are you, Turkish?

He's a useless shite, that boy.

Punish him for me, Errol.

I want that pikey to fight.

Brick Top thought smashing up

our arcade...

...might help me

to persuade Mickey to fight.

And if that wasn't enough...

...he thought it would be

a good idea...

...to burn Mickey's mum's caravan.

While she was asleep in it.

Turkish, get your arse up.

You lot...

...follow me

and I'll f***ing shoot you.

Calm down, son. Behave yourself.

I've got the gun, son.

I think it's you who should behave.

What?

You want to see

if I've got the minerals?

Jesus.

Sorry, Mickey.

Did you do it?

Then what are you sorry for?

-What are you two doing here?

-Come back!

-You got some tars on you.

-F*** off, Darren.

F*** off!

How silly do I feel?

His mum is still smoking

next to us...

...and I'm asking him to fight.

I'll do the fight before he causes

any more carnage.

And if he'd said no...

...it could've been

a shite sight worse.

Russians.

Russians.

I should've known.

Anti-Semite, slippery Cossack sluts.

What do you know about this goyim?

Ex-KGB cancer.

He was a highly trained

undercover agent.

He'll be impossible to track down.

Yeah.

There's a strange man who wants

to sell us an 84-carat stone.

-Where's he from?

-I don't know. Hard to tell.

He's got a thick Russian accent.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

He set the dogs on me. Look.

That sneaky f***ing Russian!

No wonder he didn't want to do it.

First things first. One of us...

...Tyrone, you go to the Russian's.

The second you see him, call us.

Now.

He's a right handful,

this fella, so watch out.

I hate Russians.

I'll take care of him.

All yours, Rosebud, old son.

Not a problem.

Get me to a doctor.

Shoot that f***!

Then, get me to a doctor.

Okay, but first we get the stone.

First the stone. Then a doctor.

And not just any doctor, boychik.

A nice Jewish doctor.

Find my friend a nice Jewish doctor!

Get his keys

and find out where the stone is.

-I think you got something to tell us.

-Take it easy, Rosebud.

Do you want him to be able

to talk or not?

What the f*** do you mean, replicas?

They look the sh*t, don't they?

And nobody is gonna argue.

I've got extra loud blanks,

just in case.

In case we have

to deafen them to death?

-Yeah.

-Boris is here.

-We're coming over. Hold him there.

-Hold on!

He's not on his own!

We're off.

Very industrious for a Cossack.

Sneaky f***ing Russian.

So, where is he?

It's not just he.

Three fellas went in the house.

-They locked Boris in the car.

-Why didn't you tell us that?

Did they look hard?

They looked messy.

-Let's get out of here.

-What about the Russian?

I want you to bury him.

All right.

I think we should get you a new gun.

But this time, try it.

How far to the Russian's?

Be there in a minute.

-Come on, then.

-No, no, not so fast, Vinny.

We can't take them now.

We're gonna have to follow them.

You shouldn't drink

that stuff, anyway.

Why? What's wrong with it?

-It's not in sync with evolution.

-Shut up.

How do we get rid of him?

-Do you want to shoot him?

-It's a little noisy.

-Do you want to stab him?

-That's a little cold-blooded.

-Do you want to kill him or not?

-I'll cut him. I got a blade.

That's the spirit.

Do they fire?

Of course they fire.

But how do you know?

They're replicas.

What do you know about replicas?

What the f*** are you doing, Solomon?

You wanted to know

whether they worked.

I didn't mean try it in the car,

Sol, you arsehole!

What are you gonna do with that,

pick his teeth?

Wipe the butter off and put it away.

There's a proper blade back there.

Cows have only been domesticated

in the last 8000 years.

Before, they were running

around mad as lorries.

The human digestive system hasn't

got used to any dairy products yet.

Well, f*** me, Tommy.

What have you been reading?

Let me do you a favour.

Whoops.

You. Want a knife?

No, not me.

I wouldn't know what to do.

It's a knife, for God's sake.

What's kept your fork company

all these years?

The sharp side, the blunt side.

What do you want, a lesson?

Is that Boris?

Oh, Tyrone, what have you done?

What about Rosebud?

Well, you can bring him

with you if you like.

But which bit would you like?

They're getting out.

Get down and follow them.

Cover yourself up, Avi.

You're making a scene.

I'm sorry for causing a scene, Tony.

Whoa, you are not taking

that dog with you, Vince.

I can't leave him in here, can I?

Pint of the black stuff, landlord.

I thought you wanted to get

cleaned up. Bathroom's back there.

-He's left the door open.

-Shouldn't think that's a good idea.

Should we go in?

I don't want to go in there.

He's a dangerous bastard.

Taken too many disco biscuits

in the heat of Russian disputations.

He's got as many of these nuts

as he has those nuts.

I don't care if

he's got f***ing hazelnuts.

I want a gun that works,

and I'm gonna tell him.

My God, Tommy, you certainly

got those minerals.

Well, come on, then

before "zee" Germans get here.

You just tell him who's in charge.

Boris--

You certainly told him.

The Drowning Trout.

Come and pick us up.

And Doug...

...sharpish.

I don't want a fuss or to put

a bullet in your face...

...but unless you give me what

I want there will be f***ing murders.

What's your name?

Shoot him.

Let go of the gun!

So, you're obviously the big dick...

...and that, on either side of you,

are your balls.

There are two types of balls:

There are big brave balls,

and there are little f*ggot balls.

These are your last words

so make them a prayer.

D*cks have drive

and clarity of vision...

...but they're not clever.

They smell p*ssy and they want

a piece of the action.

And you thought you smelled

some good old p*ssy...

...and have brought your

two little f*ggot balls along...

...for a good old time. But

you've got your parties muddled up.

There's no p*ssy here...

...just a dose that'll make you wish

you were born a woman.

Like a prick...

...you're having second thoughts.

You're shrinking.

And your two little balls

are shrinking with you.

The fact that you've got "Replica"

written on the side of your gun...

...and the fact that

I've got "Desert Eagle .50" ...

...written on the side of mine...

...should precipitate...

...your balls into shrinking,

along with your presence.

Now...

...f*** off.

Lock the door.

Lock it!

Give me the case.

F*** you.

Shoot me.

I will. I'll shoot you.

Pass me case or I shoot you.

You know what?

F*** you too.

Go ahead and shoot me. You'd be doing

me a favour, you Russian f***.

You! Drop guns.

F*** you!

You drop your gun!

Okay.

Avi...

...pull your socks up!

-Tyrone?

-F*** it. We're out of here.

Give me case.

Avi...

-...where's the case?

-Put the gun away.

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