Snow White and the Three Stooges Page #2

unavoidable.

No, of course, Your Majesty.

Your fierce ambition conceals

the tenderest of hearts.

- [ Ringing Fades ]

- Yes. l must confess,

my conscience is always clear.

Exactly. lf their idiots of fathers...

had not betrothed Prince Charming

to Snow White in childhood...

why, the lad

would be alive today.

Don't be a fool!

He had to die.

Once he'd married Snow White,

he would've been king of two kingdoms...

and l would've been

queen of... none.

How bitter for you that Snow White will

still ascend the throne...

when she comes of age,

married or not.

lf that is allowed

to happen...

let me remind you that my defeat

is your defeat.

All l ever counsel is patience and caution,

dear lady.

- You are sometimes too impetuous--

- l am a queen!

And l intend

to remain the queen.

The world will look on

Snow White's face no more.

[ Creaking ]

[ Keys Clattering ]

Forgive me, Your Highness.

l dare not disobey the queen.

You have always been

loyal and true.

l know it's not

your fault, Rolf.

As faithfully

as l served the king...

l watch over you, Your Highness,

until you're free and happy again.

Thank you, Rolf.

Never lose hope,

Your Highness.

That day will come.

[ Door Creaks, Clatters ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Door Closes,

Keys Clattering ]

[ Narrator ]

ln a wooded glen not far away...

some wandering minstrels

have set up camp.

Oh,yes.! Oh,yes.! Oh,yes.!

Now, hear this,

all you good people.

l am Quinto the Magnificent...

Quinto the Stupendous,

Quinto the Colossal!

Just a moment.

Aren't you supposed to introduce me first?

- [ Bells Jingling ]

- Who let this over-vocal yokel in?

l like that.

lf it weren't for me, you'd be dumb!

[ Scoffs ] lf you do the talkin' for both of us,

l'll be even dumber!

However, this oaf to my left

is Quatro, folks...

my fourth Stooge.

l beg your pardon.

You're our fifth Stooge.

Hence your name, Quinto.

l knew he was sulking

about the billing.

[ Scoffs ]

These amateurs! They'll do it every time.

Unhand me, varlet.

Unhand me! l abdicate!

[ Bells Jingle ]

Thank you, gentlemen.

Thank you.

And now, in response to flattering

and overwhelming requests...

l shall attempt a feat of horticultural

legerdemain...

so complicated

that it has never--

as of this moment--

been successfully accomplished.

Observe! There is nothing

concealed beneath my cloak--

no sleeves, trap doors,

mirrors, springs or wires.

Now, l hold before you this lifeless,

withered twig...

which l shall endeavor

to bring into full blossom...

right before your very eyes.

Watch me closely.

Closely now, gentlemen.

Aye, aye--

Allesabai!

- Presto!

- [ Bells Jingling ]

Ha, ha! To the manner born, my boy.

You're better than we ever were.

- Nah.

- Yeah, but he cheats. He's got brains!

He's got more than that.

He's got style.

Yes, and that's

what's been worrying me.

You know, you're too good

for a crummy old act like ours.

What are you talking about?

You're the best friends l have in the world.

Just the same, you have class,

and we don't.

What you need now is to study

with the big-timers, the aristocrats.

l don't need to learn anything

that you three can't teach me.

No. Like Moe says,

we're nobodies.

- Uh, not to me.

- Of course we are!

Look at all the times we go hungry.

And the times we've been incarcerated...

in durance vile!

Not to mention being

thrown in the clink!

lgnoramus! He just

got through sayin' that!

Please don't misunderstand us, Quatro.

We don't want to lose you...

but we never told you the real story

of how we found you.

Why not? ls it something

to be ashamed of?

- No, no!

- We just never seemed to get around to it.

But... there's no time

like the present.

Come over here, son.

l wanna talk to you.

Sit down.

lt happened about 1 4 years ago

in Fortunia.

They was celebratin' the betrothal of Snow White

to Prince Charming...

- of, uh, Bruva-- Brav--

- Bravuria!

Not a real marriage,

you understand.

She was only three,

and he was about seven.

But that's the way

they do it in royal circles.

That's why we were

appearing in the town.

We could just as well

have stayed home.

- Business was terrible!

- Yeah.

- So was the stuff we were selling.

- [ Both Chuckle ]

[ Moe's Voice ] We were doing the old

rabbit trick, remember?

[ Crowd Cheers ]

Thank you, good people,

one and all.

- At your pleasure, Professor.

- Your servant, Maestro.

Behold the secret of the ages!

Yuk, the recipe of which was imparted to

my illustrious partner and myself...

by an incumbentjudo expert,

in gratitude for saving his life...

when threatened by an emotionally

unstable cobra...

on the far-flung mud banks

of the flooded Hoogli.

- Now, as a river, the Hoogli is only oogly.

- [ Crowd Laughing ]

But this unique concoction

not only cures...

all the known afflictions

that confound mankind...

but it reduces weight,

kills moths...

and restores the hair!

Pardon me.

Aren't you the gentleman

that purchased a bottle of Yuk from us...

in this identical

metropolis a year ago?

Your assumption is correct, sir.

Won't you step up here,

kind sir?

You can do the world

a noble service.

Tell these good people how many bottles

of Yuk it took...

to raise that magnificent

tonsure on your bonce.

Not even one.

l just dabbed it with a moistened cork.

- Ah, you see, folks?

- Ah, you're a pack of liars!

l bought a bottle of that poison last year,

and look what it did to me!

- [ Crowd Laughs ]

- lgnore him, folks.

Look what Yuk did

for my friend here.

Hair in such abundance that the chipmunks

nest there in the mating season.

- Now then, who'll buy?

- Step right up, folks. Don't crowd.

One drabnik a bottle.

Two for a dripnik.

Become the envy of your friends.

Surprise your wife.

You, lady, grow a beard

and surprise your husband!

- You? How 'bout you?

- How 'bout you, madam?

What's the matter? You're gonna take

that old hayseed's word against ours?

Why, before l started using Yuk,

l was balder than he is!

What's more, l can prove it.

Look!

- [ Crowd Gasps ]

- l told you they were fakers!

- Yeah, the liars!

- Let's tar and feather them!

- Hang them up by the heels!

- Yeah, come on. Let's get 'em!

[ Moe's Voice ]

They chased us all the way to the river...

but we fiinally managed

to give 'em the slip.

[ CurlyJoe's Voice ]

By the skin of our teeth.

[ Moe's Voice ]

And that's when we fiirst saw you.

Ah!

Bite me, would ya?

l'll fix you, you--

[ Grunting ]

[ Larry ]

Oh!

[ Thuds, Grunts ]

[ All Screaming ]

[ Grunts ]

Hey, look!

What happened?

ls he dead?

No, he's alive, but look at that lump

on his head.

He must've tripped

and hit it on that rock.

We'd better get him away from here quick.

Give me a hand.

- Take it easy, Curl. Easy.

- Okay, okay.

Go ahead.

That's it.

[ Grunts ]

[ Moe's Voice ]

All things considered...

we felt it was best

to get out of town...

and as soon as possible.

He's been unconscious an awful long while.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes