Some Kind of Beautiful Page #2

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- You're unbelievable, aren't you?

- I'm sorry?

Of course. On the verge

of graduating, going home.

She's the perfect catch

for you, isn't she?

- Hey.

- I get it. I get it.

He's hot, and funny, and smart,

and he's got the suave accent.

But all I see is a lothario

with an eternally wandering eye

who simply charmed

the pants off you, literally.

- Livvy, what are you doing?

- Kate, I know this feels like love,

but no, no, no, no.

This is not love. This is a fling.

How do you know?

What are you even saying?

Obviously, you're looking

for a father figure, but in our case

it means a self-centered, cheating

womanizer who's not to be trusted.

And you're just so young,

you can't see it.

How young were you

when you ran off with Anwar.

- We thought I was pregnant!

- Well, I am.

- What?

- What?

- I wanted to tell you earlier, but...

- Pregnant? With a baby?

Yeah.

I wanted to tell you another way,

but this is like so weird, I just...

No, this is the perfect way.

This is really the perfect way, I think.

You know what? This is great.

Really great.

- Well, that was so heartfelt.

- Livvy. Livvy.

Thank you so much for supper.

Remind me never to do this again.

I'm just going to go outside

and get some fresh air.

- What do you mean?

- Excuse me. Air.

- Yeah, run.

- What?

- Richard?

- Yeah?

- Richard? Look.

- Yeah, I'm here.

I know I just dropped a bomb on you

back there, so right here, right now,

- I'm giving you the out.

- I just want some air, that's all.

You just need some time to think.

It's fine. I get it.

So I'm moving to LA.

I got a really cool job

at a venture capital firm.

- You're full of surprises today.

- You'll love LA.

It'll be like Cambridge-ish,

but with a lot of palm trees,

and, like, chicks with tans and stuff.

- Oh, honey, you're all clammy.

- I just need some air. That's all, really.

- Okay.

- Yeah, okay.

I'll be back in there. Go ahead. You go.

- Richard.

- Yeah?

- You're going to be a great father.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Did you have a good dinner then, sir?

All right, where the buggering hell

have you been? I said 6:00.

Sorry about that, Dad. Didn't realize

your grumbling ran on such a tight schedule.

Bloody miserable out there, as usual.

Don't touch that.

Good God, Dad. I'm not five years old.

- Hi, Richard, dear.

- Hello, Joan.

- How is everything?

- Oh, just terrific. Thanks for asking.

You still boffing

that Yank totty, are you?

Yes, she's a great girl.

Bright, beautiful, ambitious.

You mean a horrible little upstart

determined to go places.

So, tell me, when are you going

to start going places?

- Good God. Please.

- Oh, come on. Jesus.

Come on, when I was your age,

I mean, I'd been the head

of the department for seven years.

Yeah, and it made you

so happy, didn't it, Dad?

All right, what's the grievance today?

Split infinitives, too many used?

Too many women with jobs?

It's his waterworks. He's got

to go back into hospital next week.

Stop talking about my cock, woman.

Tell me something, Dad.

Why did you and Mom get married?

What kind of an inane question is that

for a Thursday evening?

For a man who revels

in reckless promiscuity,

your four marriages

do beg some questions.

Your mother fed me regularly.

She pleasured me

half decently now and then.

- What more could a man want?

- Oh, I don't know, friendship?

Someone to see the world with,

have a laugh with?

Maybe even start a family with.

Good God, man.

You've fallen for that little slice

of American pie.

- Dad...

- Now you listen to me.

This might be the most important

bit of advice that I ever give you.

American women may be fun and Victoria's

Secret when you first bed them,

but as soon as they get their claws

into you, they stop f***ing

and start eating, and the only ass

you're going to get is a fat one.

Why did open my mouth?

American women invariably become

spouters of self-help platitudes,

they're addicted to designer labels,

dieting, and frozen yogurt.

Overall, thoroughly nasty,

selfish, vain creatures

that don't f***!

Thank you for your fatherly advice.

Good night, Joan.

Bugger off then! See if I care.

Kate! Kate!

Screw Cambridge. I'm in.

- Really?

- Really.

- Really?

- Yes, come on!

Up and away we set off

Secretly scared we'd get lost

Up in the clouds over the town

Beyond the wall

Some of us knew we might fall

Under the weight of it all

And though we'd been warned

of the oncoming storms

Still we stood tall

So from the moonlight

Straight to the sunrise

This will be our time

Free-falling nosedive

Look into the world, Jakey.

It's a beautiful world.

Do you need the booby now?

Do you want the booby?

Yes. There's a boy after my own heart.

The whole world in our sights

Like a miniature paradise...

Okay, family, here we go.

Here you are, Jakey. Welcome home.

A modest little house...

which your granddad bought

your mom out of guilt.

- Don't fall in the pool.

- I won't.

You probably will never meet anyway.

He has a very bad habit

of never showing up.

Hey.

All right.

Oh, I'm going to call Livvy.

Can you take the baby?

- Sure.

- Okay.

Okay.

I know it's easier to read the critics

and the CliffNotes,

but forget about them.

Read the poems. Put the time in.

After all, "Nothing will come

of nothing."

What was that from?

Anyone?

- Hey. There you go.

- I'm having trouble getting on the Wi-Fi.

What's the password again?

I think they're all on Prozac.

Did you hear from the university yet?

- No. They went with the other guy.

- I told you to kiss ass more.

- Angela, please.

- I'm sure something will open up soon at ULA.

Yeah, well, one can

only hope, can't one?

In the meantime, I'm glad that

you're still slumming it here with us.

You city college lot

don't pull any punches do you?

- We will go 16 rounds with anyone.

- Bring it on.

A**hole.

A**hole.

Never let me hear you

say that word, Jake.

The word is "ahh's-hole" not "aah's-hole."

Can you say "ahh's-hole?"

- A**hole.

- Yes, elongate the A.

There we go.

I'll get them. I'll get them.

- Mama!

- No, mama is at work.

- She'll be back later.

- Mama.

No, that's Hummer. Hummer.

Well done. Hummer.

- Pull over.

- What?

- Pull over! Listen to this voicemail.

- I can't pull over.

I thought he was saying "mama,"

and then I realized he was pointing

at one of those absurdly oversized tanks

driven no doubt by some idiot

with an absurdly undersized penis.

- This is not an oversized car.

- All right.

He knows.

- Hey there, sexy. Where are you?

- I'm in New York.

Honey, do I look chunky?

Didn't mean to call you sexy.

Wrong person.

No, I look good.

Very funny. Is Kate there?

She's not back yet, still banking.

Busy counting things.

Well, tell her to call me

right, right away,

because I have something

really big to tell her.

No secrets in the family. Pray tell.

I can't believe

that I'm about to tell you...

Richard, I don't know

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