Some Like It Hot Page #29

She follows Dolores out, closing the door. Joe and Jerry are

alone now. The atmosphere is tense. They look at each other

steely-eyed.

JOE:

(finally)

Wise guy, huh? Trying to louse me up --

JERRY:

And what are you trying to do to

poor Sugar? Putting on that

millionaire act -- and that phony

accent --

(a la Cary Grant)

Nobody talks like that! I've seen

you pull some low tricks on dames --

but this is the trickiest and the

lowest and the meanest --

His words trail off as he sees Joe rise slowly out of the

tub. The mystery of his quick change is now solved -- he

didn't change at all. He is fully dressed in Bienstock's

outfit, and is clutching the yachting cap. As he emerges

from the bathtub, covered with suds, he looks like some

diabolique monster. He advances on Jerry menacingly.

JERRY:

(continuing)

I'm not scared of you --

(retreating)

I may be small, but I'm wiry -

(retreating some more)

When I'm aroused, I'm a tiger!

By this time he is up against the wall. Joe is closing in on

him.

JERRY:

(continuing

conciliatory)

Don't look at me like that, Joe -- I

didn't mean any harm -- it was just

a little joke -- don't worry -- I'll

press the suit myself.

The phone RINGS.

JERRY:

(continuing)

Telephone --

Joe closes in relentlessly.

JERRY:

(continuing)

You better answer the phone --

Joe slams the sopping cap on Jerry's head. As Jerry coughs

and splutters, Joe picks up the RINGING phone.

JOE:

Hello --

(remembering he is a

girl, pitches voice

higher)

Hello -- yes, this is 413 -- ship-to-

shore? -- all right, I'll take it.

EXT. FANTAIL OF THE YACHT CALEDONIA - DAY

It is a chic vessel indeed -- and so is Osgood Fielding the

Third, lounging in a deck chair, speaking into a radio-

telephone.

OSGOOD:

(that gleam in his

eye)

Hello, Daphne? It's that naughty boy

again -- you know, Osgood -- in the

elevator -- you slapped my face? Who

is this?

INT. ROOM 413 - DAY

Joe is on the phone. Through the open door of the bathroom

we see Jerry wiping his face.

JOE:

This is her roommate. Daphne can't

talk right now. Is it anything urgent?

OSGOOD - ON PHONE.

OSGOOD:

Well, it is to me. Will you give her

a message? I'd like her to have a

little supper with me on my yacht

after the show tonight.

JOE - ON PHONE.

JOE:

Got it. Supper -- yacht -- after the

show -- I'll tell her.

(reacting)

Your yacht?

OSGOOD - ON PHONE.

OSGOOD:

The New Caledonia. That's the name

of it. The Old Caledonia went down

during a wild party off Cape Hatteras.

But tell her not to worry -- this is

going to be a quiet little midnight

snack -- just the two of us.

JOE - ON PHONE.

JOE:

Just the two of you? What about the

crew?

OSGOOD - ON PHONE.

OSGOOD:

Oh, that's all taken care of. I'm

giving them shore leave. We'll have

a little cold pheasant -- and

champagne -- and I checked with the

Coast Guard -- there'll be a full

moon tonight -- oh, and tell her I

got a new batch of Rudy Vallee records --

INT. ROOM 413 - DAY

JOE:

(into phone)

That's good thinking. Daphne's a

push-over for him.

Jerry comes up, still holding the towel.

JERRY:

I'm a push-over for whom? What is

it? Who's on the phone?

JOE:

(shushing him; into

phone)

Yes, Mr. Fielding -- you'll pick her

up after the show in your motorboat --

goodbye -- what's that you said? Oh --

zowie! I'll give her the message.

(he hangs up)

JERRY:

What message? What motorboat?

JOE:

You got it made, kid. Fielding wants

you to have a little cold pheasant

with him on his yacht --

JERRY:

Oh, he does!

JOE:

Just the three of you on that great

big boat -- you and him and Rudy

Vallee.

JERRY:

Fat chance! You call him right back

and tell him I'm not going.

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