Some Like It Hot Page #36

JERRY:

I am.

JOE:

WHAT?

JERRY:

(brimming over)

Osgood proposed to me. We're planning

a June wedding.

JOE:

What are you talking about? You can't

marry Osgood.

JERRY:

(getting up)

You think he's too old for me?

JOE:

Jerry! You can't be serious!

JERRY:

Why not? He keeps marrying girls all

the time!

JOE:

But you're not a girl. You're a guy!

And why would a guy want to marry a

guy?

JERRY:

Security.

JOE:

Jerry, you'd better lie down. You're

not doing well.

JERRY:

Look, stop treating me like a child.

I'm not stupid. I know there's a

problem.

JOE:

I'll say there is!

JERRY:

His mother -- we need her approval.

But I'm not worried -- because I

don't smoke.

JOE:

Jerry -- there's another problem.

JERRY:

Like what?

JOE:

Like what are you going to do on

your honeymoon?

JERRY:

We've been discussing that. He wants

to go to the Riviera -- but I sort

of lean toward Niagara Falls.

JOE:

You're out of your mind! How can you

get away with this?

JERRY:

Oh, I don't expect it to last. I'll

tell him the truth when the time

comes.

JOE:

Like when?

JERRY:

Like right after the ceremony.

JOE:

Oh.

JERRY:

Then we'll get a quick annulment --

he'll make a nice settlement on me --

I'll have those alimony checks coming

in every month --

JOE:

Jerry, listen to me -- there are

laws -- conventions -- it's just not

being done!

JERRY:

But Joe -- this may be my last chance

to marry a millionaire!

JOE:

Look, Jerry -- take my advice --

forget the whole thing -- just keep

telling yourself you're a boy!

JERRY:

I'm a boy -- I'm a boy -- I wish I

were dead -- I'm a boy -- I'm a boy --

(slaps his wig down

on the desk)

What am I going to do about my

engagement present?

JOE:

What engagement present?

Jerry picks up a jewel box, opens it, hands it to Joe.

JERRY:

He gave me this bracelet.

Joe takes Bienstock's glasses out of his pocket, examines

the bracelet through one of the lenses.

JOE:

Hey -- these are real diamonds.

JERRY:

Naturally. You think my fiancé is a

bum? Now I guess I'll have to give

it back.

JOE:

Wait a minute -- lets not be hasty.

After all, we don't want to hurt

poor Osgood's feelings.

There is a KNOCK on the door.

JOE:

(in girl's voice)

Just a minute.

They grab their wigs, slap them on. Joe dives into bed,

pulling the covers up to his chin.

SUGAR'S VOICE

It's me -- Sugar.

JOE:

Come in.

Sugar, in a negligee, comes in -- or rather, floats in.

SUGAR:

I thought I heard voices -- and I

just had to talk to somebody. I don't

feel like going to sleep.

JERRY:

I know what you need -- a slug of

bourbon.

He opens a bureau drawer, takes out the hot-water bottle.

SUGAR:

Oh, no. I'm off that stuff -- for

good.

JOE:

Did you have a nice time?

SUGAR:

Nice?

(on a cloud)

It was suicidally beautiful.

JERRY:

Did he get fresh?

SUGAR:

Of course not. As a matter of fact,

it was just the other way around.

You see he needs help.

JERRY:

What for?

SUGAR:

And talk about elegant -- you should

see the yacht -- candlelight -- mint

sauce and cranberries.

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