Son in Law

[ Man ]

As your principal,

l watched you all start out

here at Lincoln High...

caterpillars in

our cocoon of stability.

Over the last four years,

your chrysalis has hardened.

And now if l listen closely,

l can almost hear

your cocoons opening.

l see before me

monarch butterflies...

ready to take off into

that great adventure...

that l like to call ''life.''

- [ Applauding ]

- And now...

l'm proud to present

your valedictorian...

Rebecca Warner.

[ Applauding, Cheering ]

Rebecca ! Whoo !

Today l would like

to talk about change.

lt's all around us.

Change. lt happens

whether we want it or not.

Change. Are we ready for it ?

l think so.

We are poised

and prepared for the future,

ready to embrace new people,

places and ideas.

[ Grunting, Blowing Raspberry ]

- ln short, we are ready

for the challenge of life.

- [ Snoring ]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

take a good look at us.

- [ Boy ] Wake up !

We are the future.

We are the Lincoln Tigers.

Hear us roar !

Whoo ! We did it !

[ Principal ]

l give you the class of 1993 !

- Rebecca !

- Zack, get up.

-Why don't you let me take the picture ?

-No, no, no, Dad, l'll take it.

- Don't worry about it.

- All right, okay. Do what you want.

- Hold still there.

- Rebecca ! Give me that camera, Walter.

lf we wait much longer,

it will be my graduation.

- Travis, would you please

take our picture ?

- Come on !

- Oh, yeah.

- Mom, where do you want me?

- Now look here, Travis,

you ever work one of these ?

- Come on, Dad !

- Just a minute, please.

- ln my day, all ya did

was push a button.

-ln his day, dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

-Okay, Walter,

- we're ready.

- Look, l'm just tryin'

to get a good one, damn it.

- Mom, it's fine.

- lt will be fine.

- All right, all right,

is everybody ready ?

- Yes !

- All right, everybody say, ''Cheese.''

- Cheese !

[ Walter ] Travis,

did you press that little thing--

California is a long way off

just to go to school.

- Are you sure you don't

wanna reconsider State ?

- [ Rebecca ] No, Dad.

- You know l wanna do this.

- Yeah.

Oh. Rebecca.

l-l'm not sure that l've...

really prepared you for what

you're gonna run into out there.

What l mean is...

the boys are different

than they are here.

They, um, uh--

W-W-What l'm tryin'

to say is that the--

Well, the lifestyle's

a lot faster.

- Are you tryin' to tell me

not to have sex, Dad ?

- Huh ?

Daddy.

l'll be fine.

- You know me.

- [ Chuckles ] Well, it's, uh--

lt's pretty late. Uh, guess

we'll get a little shut-eye, huh ?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Travis ?

- What ?

- Slow down.

- Why ?

'Cause l-l want it to be right.

Well, when's it gonna be right ?

You're leaving tomorrow.

You act like it's forever.

Well, l'm not gonna see you

for three months.

What if everything changes ?

Nothing is going to change.

l'll go to school,

you'll work at the co-op...

and we'll see each other

every single vacation.

And when l'm done,

we'll be together.

- Promise ?

- Promise.

Okay.

l guess l can wait.

Now... where were we ?

That's no way to pack a truck, Junior.

These bags should be back there.

- Oh, come on, Dad.

l know what l'm doin'.

- All right, all right.

But don't come cryin' to me

when my granddaughter's clothes...

- are scattered all

up and down the highway.

- Watch your hands.

- Zack, where's your sister ?

- What ?

l don't know. Maybe she's still

in the barn with-- [ Clearing Throat ]

- [ Connie ] Zack.

- What ?

- [ Walter ] Rebecca ! Let's go !

- Just a minute.

Okay !

Learn a lot, Shortcake !

[ Zack ]

How long 'til we get there ?

[ Connie ] Two days, Zack,

so you might as well relax.

- [ Zack ] Sh*t.

- [ Connie ] What did you say ?

- l said, ''shoot.''

- Hmm, Walter, isn't that the long way ?

- [ Walter ] You wanna drive ?

- l'm sorry. l'm trying to help.

[ Zack ]

Next stop, sunny California.

- Stop !

- l'm doin' the drivin' here, Connie.

[ Everyone Arguing ]

[ Man On P.A. System ] All freshman must

report for registration by 6:00 p.m.

lf you don't register,

you don't exist.

- [ Rebecca ] Quit it, you little--

- [ Zack ] l don't have to.

- Fine, l'm ignoring you now.

- [ Walter ] lf you kids don't shut up,

l'm gonna turn this car around.

We're gonna go right back home.

[ Zack ] You don't have to freak, Dad.

Speaking of freaks, hey, how ya doin' ?

- [ Walter ] Look at that idiot.

- [ Zack ] Great school, Rebecca.

- You need a lobotomy to get in here ?

- Shut up !

Don't say shut up.

Coming through !

Oh, my God.

We're never gonna get through here.

- Zack, come on.

- Zack, do your share.

- l'm not a bellboy.

- Hey, pick up the trunk !

- Mom--

- [ Connie ] Walter,

don't you yell at him in public !

- Your father's a little

out of his element.

- Can we just go to my room ?

- l'll take the trunk.

- Connie !

- You take this or you're

not going to Disneyland.

- What ?

- Wait a minute, will ya ?

Wait a minute !

- l can do it.

- Look at them two.

- They're fresh off the farm,

aren't they ?

?? [ Heavy Metal Blaring ]

- [ Zack ] Shut up ! Stop pushing me !

- [ Rebecca ] You shut up !

- Hey, hey, hey, come on now.

- Stop fighting, please !

- [ Gasping ]

- Excuse us.

Hey, T.J. ! Watch out !

- Excuse me, dude. Excuse me.

- Goddamn !

Rebecca, come on. Let's just

keep movin', everybody. Come on.

This is the, uh, opportunity

that you wanted for your daughter ?

This is it.

- Go ! Shut up.

- Zack, okay, that's it.

God !

Zack, be care--

Ohh ! Mom !

Oh, here they are.

At least she's gonna be across

the hall from somebody who's in charge.

Sensible white cotton briefs, Rebecca.

Must be a real thrill seeker.

- Zack. Zack !

- Would you just stop it,

both of you ! Stop it !

Hey, hey.

Oh, honey, look how

wrinkled everything is.

- Now this is underwear.

- Zack !

- Stay out of her drawer.

- Oh, Zack, can you gimme

the key, please ?

- l don't have it.

- What do you mean ?

l told you to bring it.

Damn it, Zack, l swear,

l think your brain produces...

- a chemical that blocks out my voice.

- Excuse me, l can't hear you.

- [ Sighs ]

- Stop it !

- Hi. l'm Carol. l'm your new roommate.

- Roommate. Hi.

- l know you two are just

gonna be the best of friends.

- Mom.

Well, l'll leave you two

to get acquainted.

- Ah !

- Hi, l'm Rebecca. l, uh--

l think there's some law

that says your family's...

- supposed to embarrass you

on the first day of school.

- l think it's Murphy's.

- l'm sorry.

- My family's the same way.

- Hey, Carol, phone !

- Ah, communal living. Excuse me.

Oh, bye-bye.

- What a nice girl.

- So guess that's it, huh ?

Nope, nope. l gotta find a screwdriver

so l can get this trunk open for ya.

[ Sighs ]

[ lndistinct Chatter ]

?? [ Heavy Metal Blaring ]

Hello ?

Hello ?

Anybody home ?

- Hello !

- Hey !

[ Laughing ]

Oh, uh, sorry.

l need a, uh, screwdriver.

Ah, l'm sorry.

l'm all out of vodka.

Oh, no, no, no. l-l-l need

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