Sordid Lives

- [ Microphone Feedback ]

- [ Woman ] Ouch. Sh*t.

- [ Man ] Turn that down, Bitsy.

- [ Bitsy ] Sorry.

[ Woman ] Wardell, do you think

God killed Peggy as a punishment...

for having that affair with G. W.?

- You know I don't believe

in that sh*t, Juanita.

- [ Bitsy ] Testing.

- Can y'all hear me?

- [ Wardell ] We sure can, Bitsy.

[Juanita ]

Bitsy, have you ever had an affair...

with anybody with missing limbs

or anything?

Not that I can remember, Juanita.

I once had an affair

with a man with only one testicle.

[ singing:
And who's a sinner ]

You're my 27th therapist

in the last three years.

[ singing:
Lord, it's tough enough

to trudge from brunch to dinner ]

I'm from the South.

Uh, Texas, actually.

[ singing:
We seek the light of truth ]

[ singing:
Between our white lies ]

I was raised rigid Southern Baptist,

I'm an actor, and I'm gay.

[ singing:
We sleep away our youth

under tattletale skies ]

[ singing:
Who's a sinner and who's a saint ]

[ singing:
Who's to say who you can love ]

[ singing:
And who you can't ]

[ singing:
Now it's easy for the pot

to call the kettle black ]

[ singing:
They're just jealous of the hot

and lusty, sordid lives they led ]

[ singing:
Ain't it a b*tch

sorting out our sordid lives ]

[ singing:
It's a b*tch

when you come to realize ]

[ singing:
Crack yourself a box

of CrackerJacks ]

[ singing:
You can get a really shitty prize ]

[ singing:
It's a b*tch

sorting out our sordid lives ]

[ singing:
Now there's trouble

coming down the chute ]

[ singing:
To take our first breath ]

[ singing:
And we struggle for acceptance

from birth to death ]

[ singing:
But the Lord's too busy

trying to keep the world on its feet ]

[ singing:
He ain't got time to give a damn

about what goes on between the sheets ]

[ singing:
Ain't it a b*tch ]

[ singing:
Sorting out our sordid lives ]

[ singing:
It's a b*tch

when you come to realize ]

[ singing:
Crack yourself a box

of CrackerJack ]

[ singing:
You can get a really shitty prize ]

[ singing:
It's a b*tch sorting out

our sorry, little ]

[ singing:
Sordid lives ]

- ] Oh, yeah ] ]

- [ Clapping ]

- That's real good, Bitsy.

- Thank you, Juanita.

When I was a kid, I was fat.

[ Horn Honking ]

A fat boy.

[ Sighs ]

Waddle-butt.

That's what the other kids

used to call me.

I just wish they could see

my ass today, 'cause I've worked

really hard on my ass, you know?

[ Sighs ]

Anyway.

One year--

I think I was in the fifth grade--

my mama took me shopping

for school clothes...

and I had gotten fatter.

I had to try on jeans.

Well, the only ones that would fit

were the husky ones, you know?

They had that label on the back

that said ""Husky.''

It was kind of announced

to everyone behind me I was a husky.

I started crying.

I didn't want everybody

to know I was a husky.

And my mama...

sat me down right there in Sears

and told me no one else had to know.

Just me and her.

It was our little secret.

So, she bought the Husky jeans.

She took 'em home.

And then she went to the Goodwill,

and she bought some used jeans.

Well, she took the label

off the Husky jeans

and sewed on the ""Slim'' label...

from the Goodwill ones.

Slim. Sh*t.

Like I could pull that off.

It's just the kind of mama

she was though.

Never made me feel bad

about being fat. She--

She always just made it okay.

And I've always thought that

that is unconditional love, and--

Well, maybe if I told her

I was gay, it'd--

you know, it'd apply.

And this other thought

just keeps running through my head:

She'd just try and change the labels...

from gay to straight.

I tried to do that for years.

I love your new song. You gonna

sing it at the dance on Saturday?

That's the plan.

- See you boys in the funny papers.

- All right.

I just can't get Peggy

off of my mind, Wardell.

- That's some serious-ass sh*t

you've been through, G.W.

- I'm in agony.

- Yeah, I can tell.

- I remember it so vividly.

We met at the Bonanza over in Abilene,

had us a nice steak supper.

She followed me back to the motel.

Jacob's ladder.

Witch's hat.

You do Jacob's ladder, then witch's hat.

Two tricks in one.

Well, one trick,

and then you do another by just

pulling the string with your teeth.

You have too much time

on your hands, Odell.

- Ain't that somethin'?

- You know what I can't

get off of my mind?

- Oh, here we go again.

- I can't get that...

- pig-bloating incident off my mind.

- What?

Please, G. W., if I have to hear

that goddamn pig story again...

- I think I'll just sh*t.

- All happened at the Tyler County Fair.

I guess now's a good a time as any.

Was that steak tender,

the one you ate that night Peggy died?

Thank you, hon!

I'll see you at the funeral!

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

I sure as hell wouldn't have

quit smoking if I had known

my sister was going to die.

Three days now.

I am about to die myself.

H-H-Hold on.

Ouch. Oh, Lord.

Huh? Oh, nothing.

Well, if you must know,

it's a little quit-smoking therapy...

that Roger over at the Beehive

shared with me while he was

back-combing my hair.

He paid $2,000 at this clinic

over in Snyder...

and they give him a rubber band--

told him to pop his arm with it

every time he wanted a cigarette.

It's called, uh...

behavior modifi-something another.

Roger can tell ya the exact wordage.

Anyway, it ain't workin'.

See, I go down to Tyler every year

for the county fair. Broom.

Oh, I just love all them animals

and them displays of macram...

and the cooking competition and all.

Besides, it gives me a chance

to see me and Wardell's sister.

I once made a rooster out of beans

and lentils when I was a girl...

in vacation Bible school.

- It's almost lifelike.

- Uh-huh.

- How is old Mozelle?

- Oh, she's fine.

Me and Mozelle, we had us

some good times once upon a time.

You know, her and Darrel

have had a bunch of marital problems.

He beat her up a few times.

Tepee.

Mama hung old Cockadoodle

in the kitchen.

That's what I called him.

""Cockadoodle.''

- That's amazing.

- But, uh, boll weevils

started eating them beans.

- And that was all she wrote.

- That's amazing.

- You know, any man who hits

a woman is no man at all.

- You got that right.

- Darrel's in group therapy

for abusive husbands now.

- Oh.

A bunch of wife-beaters

gets together once a week with

this specialist, and they purge.

Some of them

are deadbeat dads too.

Used to be two groups.

One for wife-beaters

and one for deadbeat dads.

But so many of them crossed over

from one group to the next,

they just merged.

Hey. They merged and they purged.

[ Chuckles ]

I've seen boll weevils in flour...

in, uh, oatmeal and parik-- paprika...

but never on a rooster

you made in vacation Bible school.

I probably should have married Mozelle

instead of Noleta...

and then I wouldn't have been

compelled to fool around...

and Peggy would still be alive.

Well, it's just somewhat awkward

when your neighbor's husband

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