Sorority Slaughterhouse

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1

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

WHITMAN:
No... No.

No, you can't do this to me.

I've given up

everything for you.

Look,

what we have is special, baby.

I even told my wife!

Yeah.

Yesterday.

No.

She's filing for divorce

and taking the kids.

Yeah, well, what did you expect?

Word gets out

about our relationship,

my career is finished!

Because the education board

frowns highly

on deans sleeping

with their students!

No, I don't make a habit of it.

There was only you...

What?

She meant nothing to me...

Or her...

Or her!

Hey, hey, hey.

I never slept with her.

I'm sure I didn't.

And if I did...

If I did, I must have

been really drunk.

Uh, look, look.

[QUIET HUSHING]

I love you, Dimpleface!

Yeah.

Yes, I received

your break-up gift

and I don't think it is funny.

So what? I'm just

a clown in your book?

Huh?

I'm just a stupid-looking toy

to be discarded at your leisure?

Huh, huh?

Look, little lady, you

wouldn't even be graduating

if it wasn't for me,

you ungrateful little...

I swear if you do this to me,

you will pay!

You and all your

sorority b*tches

who tease and taunt men

with their nubile bodies,

pouting lips and eyes that

sparkle like pools of sunshine

filled with hope and dreams

of a better tomorrow

that never comes!

I'm sorry I just... Hello?

Hello?

[PHONE CLICKING]

[PHONE DIAL TONE]

Goodbye.

[HANGS UP THE PHONE]

[SIGHING]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you looking at, clown?

You think this is funny?

[LAUGHING]

I'll show you funny.

Yeah. I'll show you funny.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHING]

Yeah. Check this out!

All it takes is one.

All it takes is one!

[SPINNING]

So laugh this off.

Press!

I'm Bobo, the clown.

Let's play!

I know a fun game.

[GUN CLICKS]

Guess it's your lucky day,

huh, Bobo?

BOBO:
Are we having fun yet?

I don't know. You tell me.

[MUTTERING]

Stupid.

If you were me, Bobo,

what would you do?

I'd kill them all.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah. [SPINNING]

[GUNSHOT]

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHITMAN'S VOICE]

Wait a minute... Who?

Who am I here?

[EXHALING]

Okay, this is weird.

[BOBO'S VOICE]

Hey, this feels kinda good.

I'm Bobo, the clown.

Let's play.

Yes, let's.

And I know exactly

who I want to play with!

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[WAVES CRASHING]

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[GIRLS LAUGHING]

Well, that's just about

the last of them.

Who's left inside?

Kitty, Nina, and...

What's-her-name?

Allie?

Nah, that's not it.

Yeah, her name is Allie.

Are you sure?

I thought it was "Weirdo"

or "Spacey" or "Edith".

Vicky, every girl in this

sorority deserves equal respect.

We're all sisters here.

Thank god not biological.

When are you taking off?

Tomorrow. Marcus is coming

over later to help me pack.

How about you?

Couldn't get a flight

until Tuesday.

Oh, so that means

that you and Allie

can spend some

quality time together.

[LAUGHING] I think not...

Richard's coming by to help

distract me from packing.

Ooh. Are you guys

getting serious?

Serious is not

in my vocabulary, Fawn.

Along with the words "No",

"Don't" and "Stop".

But I use them together

all the time.

"No, don't stop!

Don't stop!"

[GROANS]

WHITMAN:
Delta Pi Sorority.

Hmm. Get ready for the

greatest show on earth!

What a shocker.

Kitty taking in the golden

rays of skin cancer,

and Nina reading porn.

'Lady Chatterly's Lover'

is not porn.

It's high class

literature with...

Slight erotic overtones.

I know and you're reading it

as research for your own paper.

Wait, what's the title again?

"Hump me, baby, one more time"?

"Forbidden Secrets".

That's appropriate.

At least, you're writing

what you know.

Give the girl a break, Vicki.

She didn't do anything to you.

She hasn't done

anything to anyone.

If a real guy

ever even touched her,

she would probably explode.

I wouldn't! I would not.

Sexually speaking.

Oh.

No, I...

I think I could handle it.

I think...

But it takes

more than just handling.

You have to stroke it fondly.

Caress it and then open it.

"And this time, the sharp

ecstasy of her own passion

"did not overcome her.

"She lay with hands inert

on his body."

This isn't porn?

Ah, a hot tub...

Let's get in.

BOBO:
Mmm...

No, thank you.

Have you ever been

in a hot tub, Kit?

No, the chemicals

are bad for your skin.

I can think of worse.

Like what?

Tan lines.

[BOBO LAUGHING]

Nina, come join me.

It's a little cold

but I'm sure the burning

desire inside you

could heat it up.

You're...

You're not very funny.

No.

I'm much better taken

as a whole.

[BOBO CHUCKLING]

Hey, I have an idea.

Why don't you go

practice your oral skills

and blow up those beach balls?

I could just use the pump.

Oh, that's what I hear you

using every night?

[LAUGHING]

WHITMAN:
I'll give you

a pump, sweetcakes.

Who's first?

There are five steps to

conjuring a demon lover.

Step one, creating the

pentagram. Check.

Step two,

burning candles. Check.

Step three, stimulate an

environment of arousal.

Check. Aroused and ready.

Hey, Allie.

Yo.

Umm... Whatcha doing?

Trying to contact the dark lord

to release me from this black

hell known as my life.

And with any luck,

rock my world.

Oh.

How about you, Fawn?

Would you care

to be my sacrifice today?

Uh, doesn't that require

a virgin sacrifice?

Not in the revised edition.

Even they're aware that virgins

are hard to come by these days.

No pun intended.

You know what? I'm good.

I just wanted to see if you were

planning on taking off

for spring break

or hanging around here.

That all depends

on this ceremony.

If it works,

and I'm given absolute

power from the dark one,

I might go on a little romp of

destruction around Eastern Europe.

Maybe destroy England.

I don't know.

I'm keeping my options open.

What about you?

Cancun tomorrow with Marcus.

Sounds lovely.

Hopefully, I'll be

all-powerful or dead by then.

Look, Allie.

I don't want to pry

but if this is about a guy

and I really hope it is,

he is just so not worth it.

Cliff had no right

to break up with me!

You know, you open

your soul to somebody,

you let them in and you tell

them how you feel, and then...

Oh, my gosh!

You poor thing!

Do you want to talk about it?

I want him to burn in hell.

I want all guys to burn in hell!

You know, not all guys are bad.

Some are actually like,

really cute and funny.

You're not helping.

You're right.

Men are all bad, horrible,

ugly, pathetic losers.

That's better.

And I bet the one that hurt

you had a tiny, little...

Dick!

WHITMAN:
What did you call me?

That's me!

[WATER SPLASHING]

[GASPING]

Christ! I'm soaking wet.

Look at me.

Okay, I'm looking

and you're looking good.

Kitty is like a cat.

She hates the water.

It's the chlorine.

The chemicals get into

your pores and they...

Why do I waste my time?

I'm sorry. You want me

to dry you off?

Lick you clean?

Like the cat reference.

Lick you clean.

Get it?

No. Please keep

explaining the joke

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