Space Chimps Page #4

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- How to say no to an alien probe."

- Manual override!

Confetti. I can't explain it.

It just scares things.

- You sure they're not scared of them?

- Huh?

I know this sounds crazy, but I think

these guys are gonna be super chill.

- Death to strangers!

- Ooh, great name for a band.

Titan! Wake up!

The sky beast is ours!

Quick, this way!

- But we can't leave the ship, or Titan!

- Looks like they're leavin' us.

Return to Lord Zartog!

Titan!

Get them! Fire!

You should've never left the ship!

This is all your fault!

Me? I didn't sign up for this!

I should be in the makeup trailer,

not stuck on an alien planet, saving you!

You saving me? I'm the astronaut here.

You're just a P.R. stunt!

Wow, you are really sinking low.

Yeah, well, you deserve it.

- No. I mean you're literally getting lower.

We're sinking!

- Aah!

I can't get out!

Like we say in the circus, " The show ain't over

till the bearded lady shaves her back!"

- Ew.

- It's as gross as it sounds too.

Ham!

Climb on my shoulders and grab that vine!

Excuse me. That's my leg.

- They're in the swamp!

- Attack!

- Now what?

- Swing, very stiff one.

Swing like the wind!

Release your inner chimp!

Come on, Luna.

Like you're on a trapeze.

- I'm not from the circus.

- Life's a circus, Luna. Only the tents get bigger.

Fire!

Tarzan yell!

Ham! I can't do this! I'm gonna fall!

- Yes, you can, Luna! You can do this!

- I can't!

Use your shoulders, kick your legs,

swing and let go.

Shoulders, legs, swing, let go.

Shoulders, legs, swing, let go.

- Nice! There you go. You're getting it!

- Shoulders, legs, swing.

- Let go!

- You're gettin' it! The chimp has been released!

Swing, let go.

Hey, check this out, Ham!

Whoo!

- No!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

- See? Nothing to it!

- Ham!

Just a couple of chimps swingin' through

a jungle of vines with eyes and mouths.

Eyes and mouths!

Snake one, meet snake two.

Whoo-hoo!

- Get them!

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Ham, help!

- Luna!

Whoo-hoo!

It's showtime!

Afternoon, ladies.

- Some first date, huh?

- This is not a date.

Oh, yes, it is.

And I really hope to see you again.

Because we're about to... fall!

Ham, what do we do now?

Aim for the soft patch.

Spread your arms wide.

Chin down. Thumbs in.

- I hope you know what you're doing.

- Are you kidding me?

I do this every day of the week.

Except Monday. That's my me day.

Ham?

Luna, chin down.

Ham!

Whoo!

Ham?

Ham? You're okay, right?

Ham, get up.

Come on, Ham.

I'm sorry I was rough on you.

Sure, you were irresponsible,

dangerous and undisciplined...

but you saved my life.

And you were kind of funny in an

unbelievably annoying way. And you were-

- Cute?

- No.

- Handsome?

- No.

Like Brad Pitt,

but way shorter and more hairy?

What?

Luna, do you copy?

- Let me just say one thing.

- Luna's alive.

You are the most annoying, obnoxious,

self-centered creature I have ever met.

- Ham's alive.

- Luna? Ham? Do you read me? Come in.

You're an embarrassment.

We can hear them,

but they can't hear us.

We'll need to calibrate

the Gregorian array...

replace the helix mirror

and cross-feed the surrounding shroud.

The only word I understood was "feed."

Mission log. We are stranded

on a hostile alien planet.

Commander Titan has been kidnapped.

- And we're falling in love!

- No, we're not!

Ignore that last part. Delete! Delete!

- Kidnapped?

- Stranded? We gotta get movin', kid.

We've lost our ship

and have only 22 hours...

before the automatic pilot engages

and we're stuck here forever.

Whoa. What?

What do you mean, "stuck"?

The ship has a safety program to automatically

fly back to Earth 24 hours after we land.

It was in your manual.

Was that before or after the chapter on the

fleet of rescue ships they'll send to save us?

- Ham, we got one chance of getting home.

- I've had worse odds than that.

Let's get moving.

Behold Sky Beast Two, the sequel!

Yes!

Greetings, aliens!

Don't worry. You didn't wake me.

I needed to get up.

I am Commander Titan.

I have traveled through space

in search of knowledge...

to explore the outer reaches

of the universe...

make first contact with aliens

like yourselves...

seal you in Mylar wrap and take you

to my home planet to be dissected.

- Dissected?

- Oh, you know.

We lay you down on some nice wax paper,

slice you open with a butter knife.

Oh?

But first, you'll need to form a line...

so that I can label and catalog you.

Organism one, organism two-

Organism three.

I am Lord Zartog,

ruler of the planet Malgor.

Zartog, eh?

Your parents named you that?

'Cause you are different.

I like you. Is that, uh, with one "G" or two?

- I'll take that as a one.

- Organism four, organism five.

- Ow!

Ah, there's-

There's a lot of you. Whoa.

Whoa there, mister.

That's space agency property.

You're in direct violation

of interstellar protocol.

But, if you cooperate with me,

I will ask the tribunal to go easy on you.

Cooperate with you?

I'm going to destroy you.

I appreciate your honesty.

You're a good man, "Zartig."

And a worthy adversary.

- Be proud.

- Prepare to be frozen forever.

Ha! You don't even know how to use

the reticulating micromovement device.

Even a first-year cadet

knows how to do that.

Hmm. Will you show me

the secrets of the beast?

Negativo. You're not trained.

You're not qualified.

You're not even insured.

Please? I'll do anything.

You could help me find my crew.

- There are more?

- Two others. We, uh, lost them

in Gunglevik Jungle.

What kind of idiot would go in there?

Ham.

You gotta admit. Being on

a weird alien planet is almost cool.

All my life, I dreamed of being

a real astronaut, just like your grandfather.

- And here I am.

- Real astronauts? Wake up, Luna.

The only reason we're here

is to see if we explode in space.

You're wrong.

We are real astronauts.

- Whoa.

- Ham.

Which one of us

lost our flashlight... that moves...

really fast behind rocks

and has a head?

Cool.

Please, I mean you no harm.

Hi. I'm Lieutenant Luna.

M-My name

is Killawallawizzaseywhoha.

Oh, great. It's drunk.

I'm the last free Luzian from the village

of Killawallawazoowahooweewee.

We come from Earth.

You know, Earth- iTunes, greenhouse gases...

David Beckham.

Whoa. What's up with

the glow-in-the-dark brain case?

My head lights up when I'm scared.

You don't need to be scared of us.

We're your friends.

Friends.

Are you alone?

Yes. My village was imprisoned

by Zartog and his sky beast.

Its metal claws gave him

the power to enslave the planet.

Metal claws. The rover!

We, too, came from the stars.

Yes. I saw you crash.

You saw that? That was me!

- What?

- Do you know where our ship is?

- At Zartog's palace.

- Can you lead us there?

- Don't worry. We'll protect you,

Killawallazallawallakillazella.

Oh, let's just call her Kilowatt,

or we'll be here all day.

- Or night.

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