Space Chimps Page #3

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if you want to stay alive.

- Permission to speak, Commander?

- Permission granted.

- You're a dork.

- I don't like you.

Engaging 3-D matrix.

- Ready visual imaging.

- Fire photon torpedoes!

- Aah!

- It's go time, cannonball.

Oh, yeah? Prove it.

- Titan, don't!

- You are a threat to the mission!

Ta-da!

- Oops. I'm sorry. What do you think

we should name our kids?

What? I'm gonna take off.

- You're goin' down!

- Orbital stabilizers. Check.

- Hey, is this your card? Is this your card?

- Auxiliary thrusters, check.

- Collision detector, check.

- Circus freak!

- Not your card, huh?

- I can't take this for another 73 light-years!

- I gotcha! Here it comes!

- Hang in there.

Ding-dong-Aah!

Easy on the fur, furious George.

Unruly crew member has been detained.

- Ow!

- Enact regulation number 815.

What's regulation 815?

Guys!

I gotta pee!

Whoo! Talk about suction!

- Ugh.

- Oh, and by the way, guys,

we lost the toilet paper.

Not my fault.

- Thrusters aligned for entry.

- Wow.

Am I glad we're not goin'

into that crazy-lookin' thing.

Sorry. While on the mission

I can only hear real astronauts.

Then who did you just say sorry to?

- Someone else.

- Then why did you just say "someone else"?

- Jerk-boy!

- Nitpicker!

- Poop-thrower!

- Maybe there's some music on the radio.

# Hey, monkey-rena #

Circus freak!

Approaching dimensional anomaly entry.

Brace for event threshold.

Approaching five G's-Six G's!

Eight G's!

Must... stay... alert.

Losing... consciousness...

- now.

- Titan!

Whoa! Whoa!

Come on! Come on!

Where's reverse on this thing?

- Welcome to InStar.

- Oh, thank God.

How can I help you?

Horizon has entered the wormhole.

- Marvelous!

- We'll reacquire signal

in 12 minutes, 20 seconds.

- This better work.

- We got three chimps strapped

into a $3.7 billion spaceship.

What could go wrong?

Whoa-ho-ho! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Whoa-whoa-whoa!

Hey, cool, a planet.

And we're headed right for it.

Oh, my God,

we're headed right for it!

Wake up! Wake up!

You gotta land this thing!

Okay, no need to panic.

You're just hurtling out of a wormhole

on the other side of the universe...

at 9,000 miles an hour and no brakes!

Pull up! Come on!

Steering wheel!

Please let one of these be a force field.

Please, please, please!

- Air bags deployed.

- I did it!

I am the smartest chimp

in the universe!

Whoo-

No-oh-oh! Aaah!

Ow.

Whew.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

Ship stabilized.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-whoa! Whoa!

Reacquire signal in five,

four, three, two, one.

I'm heading to Kinko's later if anybody

wants me to run off their rsum.

You lost the ship?

It must be some sort of

technical malfunction.

Burning microwave popcorn

is a technical malfunction.

This is a billion-dollar disaster!

Look on the bright side- if they don't come back,

we save five grand on cake and balloons.

We can always count on

the 24-hour fail-safe restart system.

You have 24 hours

to bring back those chimps...

or I'll cut your funding

and make this space program history!

And I mean every cent.

You won't even be able

to afford pocket protectors.

You monster!

Remember, no bucks, no Buck Rogers.

Oh. I love Buck Rogers.

Who is Buck Rogers?

They lost contact!

Comet to Luna. Come in, Luna.

Must be solar flare interference.

I'll hack the mainframe

to filter the signal.

Shoot,

in my day we just yelled louder.

Oh, great.

We landed in Barstow.

Let's see. Elephant's peanut chest.

No, not that one.

Circus mess hall. Ringmaster's Yugo.

Houston's banana closet- Hmm.

Whoa.

One small step for Ham...

one more small step for Ham...

and yet another small step-

What are you doing out here?

Whoa!

Testing for gravity?

- Yeah, it works.

- Who authorized you to open the hatch?

Commander.

Commander?

You are a liability to this mission.

Ha! Liability?

I was steering this crate while you and

Commander Coma were sawing logs!

You stayed awake, and you didn't

activate the landing sequence?

- That's all you had to do.

- Not true.

I was catching up on my panicking.

No! Don't!

- What?

- The air could be poisonous!

Oh, no!

Poisonous air!

- Lieutenant's log.

- Choking.

- Air is breathable.

- Gasping.

- The temperature is normal.

- Dying.

Winning daytime Emmy.

And there is no sign of intelligent life.

Blah!

Look, the planet has three suns.

Amazing.

Just like every science fiction movie involving

another planet guessed there would be.

As you all know,

tomorrow is Triple Sunday!

Our three suns will come together as one

and the volcano will explode!

And in honor of this special day,

and more importantly, me...

I'm throwing a celebration,

a sort of palace-warming party.

- Your overlord!

- What?

- Another metal beast fell from the sky!

- A metal beast?

- Like this one?

- Only bigger!

Only bigger! Only bigger!

- Bigger than mine?

- It's not the size of the beast.

It's what you do with it

that matters, my lord.

- Traitor!

- I-I'm not a traitor!

- Then take it back.

- Uh, okay. I take it back.

You can't take it back,

now it's out there. They all heard.

You all heard, right?

- Oh!

- Splork!

- Uh, me?

- Congratulations! You're the general.

Take a party of warriors

and bring me the sky beast.

Uh, okay, the tall guy,

you with the red belly...

guy with the pointy hat

and the splotchy one at the back.

I'm always picked last.

Mount up!

Take the Fluvians!

Imagine, we're the first astronauts

to ever set foot on this planet.

These photos will be front-page news.

The most important images

of the century!

Can you get one of my good side?

Oops. Forgot. I'm all good side.

Maybe take one of me looking heroically,

with my chin like this?

- Oh, and another one like this.

- Clown.

Ever alert. Brooding.

Poised to strike. Candid.

Laughing candid.

I've been naughty.

Huh? Hmm.

Wait, Luna.

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

This is the first sign of complex life

on an alien planet!

- Astronauts gather knowledge. It's what we do.

- I'd just be a little careful.

You? Careful?

I'm just saying, that looks like a flower

used by Piddles the Clown.

I gotta hear this.

Piddles is a very cute clown...

who has a cute little box

covered with cute little flowers.

The kids think it's the sweetest thing

they've ever seen, until-

Boo! A giant snake pops out.

Please. I'm a trained astronaut.

I know what I'm doing.

Trained astronaut?

Space chimps are a joke.

Is that what you think

of your grandfather?

Just pick your flowers

and let's get back to Earth.

If there's no traffic in the wormhole,

I can still make the 8:00 show at the circus.

- Uptight, scientific, bookworm chimp lady.

- Hmm.

- What does Piddles do next?

- He usually throws a bucket

of confetti on the audience...

and then runs around

smashing pies in his own face.

I don't think that's gonna help us here.

My Simian Space Manual. There must

be something in here about what to do.

"Alien captures. Alien uprisings.

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