Space Chimps Page #6

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- Ham.

- Fine. We'll save him.

Begin torturously slow dunking mechanism.

Uh, "Zartig," now that I've gotten to know you,

you seem like a reasonable alien...

which is why I'm willing

to offer you a plea bargain.

No.

- Let's go.

- Whoa.

Here we go, ladies.

Sure, go ahead. Dunk me. Now you'll

never learn how to use the 3-D radar.

- Huh? 3-D radar?

- Yeah, oh. Whoa! That's right. 3-D radar.

- Luna, follow me.

- Roger that.

Who's Roger? Is it serious?

Tell me, tell me, tell me, please.

Flip the bar with the star.

Not too far to start the radar.

You take the left. I'll take the right.

Alert. Chimpanzees incoming.

- What?

- Yee-hoo!

Fire away!

Luna! Nice.

Now let's get back to the ship...

- so I can save you guys and pilot us home.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Where did those chimps go?

- They escaped!

Traitor.

Commander,

launch control is unresponsive.

Check diagnostics.

- Huh?

- Nothing but bells and whistles.

But why did they teach us all that stuff

if the controls weren't even hooked up?

I told you guys.

This whole thing was a sham.

They wanted to see if our brains still worked

after going through a wormhole.

- We're Spam in a can.

- And we weren't even supposed to open the can.

Sorry, Luna, but we're

nothin' more than guinea pigs.

Actually, the guinea pigs

are on the Mars mission.

Whee!

The ship was on autopilot

the whole time.

We were never really flying it.

We were never really astronauts.

- You were right all along.

- I didn't want to be right.

Besides, that's what humans think of us,

not what we should think.

Why wasn't I born a rabbit or a squirrel

or an art history major?

Nobody expects great things from them.

Three minutes to liftoff.

Well, at least we're safe and goin' home.

500 push-ups with each arm-

All that training for what?

I can't go.

- What?

- I know we didn't build the probe.

But it came from Earth.

We did this to them.

I can't run away.

We owe it to Kilowatt and this planet.

I took an oath to return this ship to Earth,

and that's what I'm gonna do.

- Ham's right.

- Huh?

- Huh?

I'd rather be a hero here on Malgor

than a space chump back on Earth.

Lieutenant Luna. This is an order.

- There goes our ride.

- And Titan.

Commander!

- What about your oath?

- Chimps don't leave chimps behind.

You, sir, are gonna make me cry.

Ham, we need a plan.

The commander of the mission

comes up with the plan.

And your plan is?

Well, the plan.

Yes, the plan, of course.

Since I'm the commander of the plan,

whatever plan is my plan.

It's not your plan. It's not Ham's-

- Titan!

- Whoa! Whoa!

It's party time.

We have contact.

The ship has exited the wormhole.

Touchdown in 15 seconds.

Okay, here we go. History in the making, boys.

Roll those cameras.

What the-

- Whoa.

- Oh, no.

I'm afraid the chimpanzees

did not make it.

You think?

That's it. Mission canceled.

Space program's done.

Oh, no.

They're gonna be stuck up there.

As of tomorrow, this entire agency will be

recommissioned into something useful...

like one of those places where you design

and paint and bake your own plates!

He does have a point.

That is useful.

What about the two chimps still here?

Two chimps, two words.

"Animal testing."

- We have to get to mission control.

- We're their only chance.

Follow me.

- Hold on.

- Cool.

For a 20th-century chimp, you're moving

pretty quickly into the 21 st century.

Yee-haw!

Whoa.

I may be old, but I'm aerodynamic.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Whoa.

You're gonna have to keep up, son.

Whoo-hoo.

- Great plan.

- At last. Prepare to be dunked!

- Lieutenant Luna.

- Yes, Commander?

You should have asked Ham

to come up with the plan.

Three chimps, three coats. Which one first?

Is it you?

- The big one?

- What?

Or will it be you, the adorable one?

Or all three at once?

Well, as commander,

the least I can do is make sure...

"Zelbaum" here doesn't dunk you guys.

How would you do that?

Because I will teach you the rover's

secret to universal domination.

- Huh?

- The entire universe? That's big, right?

- But first, let my crew go.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

Tell me.

- No, don't.

- Titan, don't!

- Tell me, tell me, please.

- What's he doing?

Please tell me. Tell it to me.

Tell me please. I'll let you live.

So, to dominate the universe,

hit the yellow button first.

Turn the blue knob

and then the green.

Then pull the lever in reverse.

- Oh, this one?

- That's right.

Wait.

- Wow. You really are stupid.

- Yeah.

And a really bad poet.

Oops. Did I say "reverse?"

Crudlar.

That was a joke.

Traitor!

Whoo!

- Huh?

- Huh?

Wowzers.

- Kilowatt! But how?

- Kilowatt, you're alive.

We saw the Flesh-Devouring Beast

swallow you.

He-He's not big on chewing.

- But how did you get out?

- Um-

Don't make me go there.

- Ew.

- What?

You guys need a hand?

Does anybody want the "Zelik"statue?

'Cause I'll take it.

You have liberated us

from the bonds of slavery.

We are eternally grateful.

We owe you our lives.

- We came.

- We crashed.

W-We kicked his butt!

What? Why'd you have to

bring his butt into it?

- It's a sayin'. That's how it goes.

- No, that is not how it goes.

I'm, like, 99% sure that's how it goes.

You Earthlings have

a funny way of showing love.

Luna? Do you read me?

Hey, Luna,

is that a banana in your pocket?

Would you evolve?

- Sorry.

- Comet to Luna.

- Comet?

- Luna.

Comet. Oh, thank heavens.

- You'll never believe what's happening.

- We've heard everything.

- We've been able to hear you the whole time.

- The whole time?

Yep. The whole time, son.

I'm sorry I kept pushin' you

to live up to your legacy.

It's okay, Houston.

Maybe it's time I do.

- What's your status?

- Single.

- But there's someone I've got my eye on.

- Oh.

It's Luna,

in case you were wondering.

Oh, wait. Are we talking about

the mission status here?

Yeah.

Ah, well, everything's okay,

but we have no way to leave.

- You still got the probe.

- The probe? It wasn't designed

to return to Earth.

We'll just have to "chimprovise."

You know,

I kinda missed your stupid puns.

- Thank you.

- Titan's right.

- You'll need a complete redesign.

- How do we do that?

Uh, let me put you on with Comet.

First, we'll need to re-engineer

the aerodynamic skeletal structure.

- Got it. Let me put ya on with Luna.

- Go ahead, Comet.

- Second, you'll need thrust.

- Huh.

We'd need at least

to reach the velocity

to escape the planet's gravity.

We'd never get that kind of thrust without

a two-stage rocket. It can't be done.

Even if we could build a ship,

it'd never get off this planet.

Ham?

If you can shoot

a chimp out of a cannon...

you can shoot a ship out of a volcano.

Of course! Geothermal energy.

We don't have much time.

Kilowatt, we're gonna need some help

if we're ever gonna get home.

Planet Malgor at your service.

Let's chimp this ride.

I know I said I missed the puns,

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