Space Cowboys Page #5

Go back to your virgin pink daiquiri|and mind your own business.

Shes my friend who has to put up|with a**holes like you.

-Tiny--|-But l dont.

lf you want to harass, harass me.

-l believe hes harassing you already.|-lll put you in the hospital.

l have Medicare.|Shoot your best shot.

-lll make your old lady a widow.|-Dont--

Wait! You cant do this! No,|youre going up into space in 22 days.

lf you break a bone|or sprain your ankle...

...your space shuttle seatll go to|that MlT weenie with blow-dried hair.

Well watch the launch on TV|at your damn house.

-What makes you think lll hurt myself?|-What about a space shuttle?

Youre gonna blow this for us again.|You and your mean-ass temper.

-Are you saying l blew it back in 58?|-Hell, yes, you blew it in 58.

You crashed every plane|the Air Force gave us.

All right. Were taking this outside.

lll whip your ass!|Get out there in that parking lot!

You wait here, Tiny.

-Lets go.|-l got ten on Frank.

Can l get your ass|out of a jam or not?

Did you see that guys face|when l said--

Just who got Team Daedalus canned,|Colonel Hawkins?

Damn, this is gonna be a long night.

Hawks pretty quick.|Franks got the reach, however.

That girl l was dancing with|was a database administrator.

Really?

Morning, partner.

-Morning, Hawk.|-Good morning.

-What happened to your eye?|-l fell in the shower.

Tell maintenance to put some no-slip|adhesives on that slippery floor.

Hows that right there?

Still ten megahertz,|maybe a little more.

Hows it going, Frank?

Fine. Fine.

Whats with the eye?

Slip in the shower?

How would you know that?

lll chat with the janitor.

Airspeed, 300.

Crosswind on our right, 14 knots.

Running a little hot.|Want to open up a speed brake?

Touchdown.

Nice landing, guys.

Lets put the rookies up front.|Simsupe, you on with me?

Simsupe. Go, Gene.

-lts gonna be tough to beat.|-l think so.

You up.

Standard package.

Lets throw them a Little League|kind of curve.

Hydraulic failure.|Switching to secondary.

lm going to manual control.

You cant do that, colonel.|The birds on a computerized track.

lm going to manual control.|Goddamn, boy.

You cannot do that!

Secondary hydraulic failure.

-Youll come in short.|-Like hell.

Sh*t.

Come on. You cant throw that|at them on the first run.

We got three weeks to send|four old farts into space.

This is flight school 101 stuff.

Look, this is not a stripped-down show|plane. You gotta do it their way.

l dont need a computer|to tell me how to land a plane.

lts not a plane.|lts a flying brick on approach.

-You got to use the on-board computer.|-What if it fails?

lts never failed.

Houston, Horizon.

Go, Horizon.

Request secondary landing, please.|Houston, Horizon.

Request on-board computer failure...

...on second landing.

All right, run it again.

-Horizon, stand by for 2nd approach.|-Sock it to them.

Pull up, sir. Youll lose it again.

Fire in Av Bay Two.|Youll lose avionics.

l dont need them anyway, this things|a flying brick on approach.

Wind shear off the nose|and the fire is contained.

Computers are down. Shes all yours.

Your airspeed is way too high.

Airspeed is four-niner-zero.|Coming in too high.

-Youll overshoot.|-You wont get it stopped.

lts easy. All you got to do is|tap on the brakes a little bit.

Not that much.|Youll put her into a stall.

-lm tapping on the brakes a bit.|-Drop the nose! Youll lose it.

lKnock it off!

Drop the nose.

-Whats the airspeed?|-200. Youre right on it.

What do you say we just|drop that nose a little bit...

...like that right there.

Smooth as a babys ass.

Thats impossible.

For a computer it might be.

Flying brick.

l like that.

Ladies and gentlemen, from your|teammates at the table over there.

Gerbers baby food.

And some training material|for you to look over.

Pictures for the bigger words.

A talking frogs worth something.

-40 percent.|-40 percent?!

You might nail it.|You might crash and burn.

-The odds are against you, colonel.|-Watch this.

Thats why l got out of|the astronaut program.

l knew my chances of getting on|a space shuttle were way less than 40.

But l was an astronaut, almost.

-Youd have been a damn good one too.|-Thank you.

You dont think like that. Youve|jumped out of planes 20 miles up.

You drove rocket sleds|at the speed of sound.

-Youre not afraid of anything.|-lve been afraid.

Oh, bullshit. When?

When l was 1 7 years old.

l was crazy in love|with this college girl.

She was beautiful. Oh, gorgeous.

And a ball of fire.

She, of course,|was crazy in love with--

-You.|-No.

Texas A&Ms all-American defensive end|Scott LeBeau.

And l mean, this cat|was six-foot-six if he was a foot.

Gary Cooper handsome.

One day, a bunch of friends and l|decided wed drink too much beer...

...and crash a big old|sorority cotillion.

You know, everybodys dressed up|in chiffon gowns and Daddys tuxedo.

There we are, looking like a bunch|of brush poppers and goat ropers.

-At the governors ranch too.|-lm beginning to get the picture.

So my friends tell me that they see|LeBeau entering the Port-a-Potty.

One of them little old|fiberglass shithouses.

l did a better tackle on that|fiberglass shithouse...

...than he ever did|on the football field....

...and the thing rolled|down a bluff into a creek.

Screaming and yelling|all the way down...

...except it dont sound like no|all-American defensive end.

-lts decidedly more feminine.|-Oh, no, you didnt.

The love of my life, rolling down|the bluff in a fiberglass shithouse.

lt was very, very sad.

-What happened then?|-l ran like hell.

-Joined the Air Force the next day.|-Afraid LeBeaud kick your ass.

Well, hell, no.|l wasnt afraid of him.

l was afraid, l mean...

...truly afraid of her.

Are you afraid of me?

l married her.

Four years later.

What? lm only 1 5 minutes late.

Oh, sh*t.

Extra, extra. Read all about it.

l dont know how this leaked out.|l swear.

NASAs been getting calls from|every tabloid in the country...

...asking me to verify that story.

Why cant we verify the story?

-Why?|-Yeah.

Because STS-200 is a delicate,|top-secret satellite recovery...

...thats why.

That makes it look like|a goddamn three-ring circus.

How do you think the vice president|felt this morning...

...when he opened his paper|and saw that?

lts easy for you to laugh.|You dont deal with him. l do.

Were going to simulate your|onboard living conditions...

...to familiarize you with|the new living environment.

Watch your step.

-What the hells this thing?|-ACM.

-A**hole Centering Monitor.|-Gentlemen, this is your funnel.

lt attaches to the hose here.

Before starting, make sure you have|a tight seal against your skin.

-ls that the only one you got?|-Yes, one size does fit all.

But just in case, theres a diaper|underneath your pressurized suits.

-lll use that.|-lm sure you will.

Anything else?

Youre having a bit of an acid thing.

-No, no, no.|-lts a flashback.

No, no. Seriously.

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