Spaceballs Page #12

WAITRESS Oh, he had the special. BARF The spec....

That's what I ordered. Change my order to the soup.

LONE STARR Good move.

Something is trying to push out of JOHN HURT'S

stomach. It eventually comes out. A little alien comes out of his

stomach.

It growls. JOHN HURT looks at it.

JOHN HURT Oh, no. Not again.

The ALIEN jumps out of his stomach on to Spaceballs-the

Placemat. Some people scream. The ALIEN growls again. Then, it puts

on

a little hat and starts to dance down the bar.

ALIEN Hello, my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my

rag-time gal. Sonny my pitched my wild. Baby my heart's on fire.

The ALIEN dances past LONE STARR and BARF. LONE

STARR and BARF react.

ALIEN If you refuse me, honey, you lose me, then

you'll be left alone. Oh baby, telephone and tell I'm your own.

The ALIEN goes through doors in the wall. The

doors close behind him. LONE STARR and BARF stand up.

LONE STARR & BARF Check please.

EXT. CHAPLE - DAY The sing outside says, "TODAY,

THE ROYAL WEDDING OF PRINCESS VESPA TO PRINCE VALIUM, TAKE

TWO."

INT. CHAPLE - DAY ROLAND and VESPA are standing

next to each other. DOT is behind VESPA. The USHER walks in.

USHER Five minutes to magic time.

ROLAND Are you all right, my dear. You look a

little fighty.

VESPA Don't worry about me, Father. I'm completely

over him. Ha, didn't even stay for the wedding. Just grabbed his

million

spacebucks and ran.

ROLAND He didn't take the million.

VESPA He didn't?

ROLAND No. He just took two hundred and forty-eight

spacebucks for lunch, gas, and tolls.

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE

BARF I still can't believe you turned down the

money. At least we could've stayed for the wedding feast. I'm

starvin'.

Have you got anything to eat.

LONE STARR Na. Oh, wait. Yogurt gave me that fortune

cookie. (gets the cookie out of his pocket) Here, chow down. (hands

it

to Barf)

BARF (takes it) Wow, thanks. I'll split it with

ya.

LONE STARR No.

BARF Okay.

BARF opens the cookie. A stream of gold glitter

comes out of the cookie and flies over the doorway. LONE STARR and

BARF:

react. The stream stops at the doorway. It turns into YOGURT. He has

gold

glittery streams coming out of him.

LONE STARR & BARF Yogurt.

YOGURT Hello, boys. Well, you opened your fortune

cookie, so here's your fortune. Lone Starr, you know that medallion

that

you wear around your neck, but you don't know what it means?

LONE STARR takes the medallion out of his shirt.

YOGURT Well, here's what it means: it's a royal

birth certificate. Yes. Your father was a king. Your mother was a

queen.

Which makes you a certified prince.

LONE STARR Hey, I'm a prince. I'm a prince. Which

means....

YOGURT Which means, if you hurry, there could

be a princess in your future. Now, if you want to get back there

before

she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's and special can of fuel in your

glove

compartment. Good luck, boys.

BARF Bye, Yogurt.

LONE STARR And, Yogurt, thanks.

YOGURT You're welcome. And my the Schwartz be

with you..... (starts to fade away) .....oh...oh....what a world,

what

a world. (completely fades out)

LONE STARR Barf, open that glove compartment.

BARF You got it, your highness.

BARF opens the glove compartment and pulls out

a can of Liquid Schwartz.

BARF Wow, Liquid Schwartz.

LONE STARR Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.

BARF Right.

BARF opens the emergency tank lid in the floor.

He pours the Liquid Schwartz in the tank. As he pours, the tank

starts

to glow yellow.

LONE STARR Look at that.

BARF Done.

BARF closes the lid and sits up.

LONE STARR Hang on, Barfo, we're gonna make space-tracks.

(turns the wheel shapely)

EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE turns around sharply

and leaves space-tracks where it turned.

EXT. MEGA MAID'S HEAD - ORBIT OF PLANET OF THE

APES - SPACE The head falls toward the planet. SKROOB, SANDURZ, and

HELMET:

are screaming.

PLANET OF THE APES - BEACH - DAY The head falls

toward the beach and crashes on the sand. Two apes riding horses

ride towards

the head. They stop when they see something moving.

1ST APE Dear me, what are those things coming

out of her nose?

The 2ND APE looks through binoculars. He sees

SANDURZ on the ground, HELMET is climbing down a rope, followed by

SKROOB.

SKROOB steps on HELMET'S helmet.

HELMET (mask up) Hey, hey, watch my helmet.

The 2ND APE stops looking in the binoculars.

2ND APE Spaceballs?

1ST APE Oh sh*t, there goes the planet.

INT. CHAPLE - ALTAR - DAY The minister is conducting

the wedding ceremony.

MINISTER Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

together (pause) again....

VESPA (to Roland) Why didn't you tell he didn't

take the money?

ROLAND I didn't think it was important.

MINISTER May I continue, please?

ROLAND Besides, he asked me not to tell you.

MINISTER Thank you. ....to join Princess Vespa

and Princess Valium. I'm sorry, it's the hair. Prince Valium in the

bonds

of holy matrimony.

VESPA I see it all now. Don't you see he loves

me?

MINISTER Excuse me, I'm trying to conduct a wedding

here which has nothing to do with love. Please be quiet.

VESPA I'm sorry.

ROLAND I'm sorry.

VALIUM I'm sorry, too.

MINISTER Don't be sorry, be quiet.

VESPA, ROLAND, & VALIUM I'm sorry.

MINISTER ....to join Princess Vespa and Prince

Valium in the bonds of holy....

EAGLE 5 flies over.

MINISTER ....moly.

AUDIENCE reacts.

MINISTER Matrimony.

VESPA That's him. I know it's him. He's come back.

MINISTER That's it. We're gonna take no more chances

and to do it with the short version. (faster) Do you Prince Valium

take

Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife.

VALIUM (yawns) Uh-huh.

MINISTER (fast) Princess Vespa, do you take Prince

Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband.

VESPA Uh....well....I suppose. Oh, I don't know.

LONE STARR and BARF walk in the doorway behind

everybody.

LONE STARR No, she doesn't

MINISTER What?

ALL react. LONE STARR and BARF walk down the aisle.

He stops half way.

MINISTER Who the hell are you?

LONE STARR Prince Lone Starr.

VESPA Prince?

LONE STARR I just found out. That's what this

says. I'm an honest to God prince. Will you marry me?

VESPA Well, let me think about it. (pushes Valium)

Yes.

LONE STARR walks onto the altar.

MINISTER I'm sick of this. I don't give a damn

who it is, but I'm gonna marry somebody today. (to Barf) Who are

you?

BARF I'm the best man.

MINISTER What's you name?

BARF Barf.

MINISTER Your full-name.

BARF Barfolomew.

MINISTER Are the one getting married?

BARF No.

MINISTER Then get over there.

BARF reacts and moves to the left of the altar.

MINISTER Okay. Here we go, the short-short version.

(to Lone Starr) Do you?

LONE STARR Yes.

MINISTER Do you?

VESPA Yes.

MINISTER Good. You're married. Kiss her.

LONE STARR I love you.

VESPA I love you.

LONE STARR and VESPA kiss. AUDIENCE applaud. BARF

starts to cry.

DOT Well, (sniff) good-bye Virgin Alarm.

EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 takes off into space.

It has, "JUST MARRIED" written on the back. The jets are

leaving

a stream of gold glitter behind. They form the words, "MAY THE

SCHWARTZ:

BE WITH YOU."

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