Spaceballs Page #11

SKROOB Sandurz, Sandurz, you've got to help me.

I don't know what to do. I can't make decisions. I'm the president.

SHIP'S VOICE This is your two minute warning.

This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.

SANDURZ Launch all escape pods as soon as they

are filled.

INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE

VESPA What's happening? Where is he? Where is

he?

LONE STARR (walks in) Here. We've got a minute

and forty before the end of the world. Hang on.

EXT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE

Two troopers come out of the emergency door with guns. They get

under the

EAGLE 5 and start firing at the floor.

INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE

LONE STARR Full throttle.

BARF Full throttle. (pulls on throttle)

LONE STARR Go to hyperjets.

BARF Going to hyperjets. (pulls on hyper-lever)

EAGLE 5 takes off. Everyone inside is pushed back

with the sudden burst of speed.

INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE SANDURZ climbs the ladder

and looks in the first escape pod. He moves on to the next one.

SKROOB:

follows him. He looks in the first pod.

SKROOB Hey, get outta there. Where do you think

you're going?

PIZZA GUY Pizza to go. (laughs)

The PIZZA GUY pulls on a lever. The door closes

from the top. The pod takes off. HELMET walks up a ladder to his

pod. A

bearded woman is getting into it.

HELMET Hey, hey, that's my escape pod. Who are

you?

BEARDED LADY I'm the bearded lady. What are you?

One of the freaks?

The BEARDED LADY knees HELMET in the crouch. She

laughs. She gets in the pod and takes off. HELMET looks in the

window of

the door.

HELMET No. Come back you fat, bearded, b*tch.

SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET don't notice a bear

getting in the last pod.

SKROOB One pod left, and three of us, and I'm

the president. Well boys it's a very lovely ship. I think you should

go

down with it. Good-bye.

SKROOB gets in the pod. He sits on the bear. He

tries to buckle the arms of the bear like there are a seat belt. He

looks

at the bear and reacts. The bear chases him out of the pod. The bear

closes

the door and waves at SKROOB. The pod takes off.

SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self destruct in twenty

seconds. This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.

SKROOB Cancellation button? Hurry.

They all slide down a ladder. They run to the

center of the ship.

HELMET Where is it? Where is it. SANDURZ It's

gotta be here.

SANDURZ opens a panel to the self-destruct cancellation

button. It has a sign on that says, "OUT OF ORDER."

SANDURZ Out of order?

HELMET F***. Even in the future nothing works.

SHIP'S VOICE This ship will self-destruct in exactly

ten seconds.

SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET react. They scrunch

up together.

SHIP'S VOICE Counting down. Ten, nine, eight,

six....

SKROOB Six? What happened to seven?

SHIP'S VOICE Just kidding.

SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET react.

INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE

They are driving close to the end of the canal.

VESPA There's the other end. Faster.

SHIP'S VOICE Seven, six, five....

INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE

SHIP'S VOICE ....four, three, two, one. Have a

nice day.

SKROOB, SANDURZ, & HELMET Thank you.

EXT. MEGA MAID - SPACE The EAGLE 5 comes out of

the opposite ear, and it starts to fly away. MEGA MAID explodes. The

EAGLE:

5 just makes it out of the explosion.

VESPA(O.S.) We did it!

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE VESPA hugs BARF. DOT is dancing.

LONE STARR is cheering. VESPA turns to hug LONE STARR. They start to

kiss,

but they stop.

LONE STARR We all did it.

PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. EAGLE 5 - MORNING LONE STARR

and BARF are watching the news.

NEWS MAN ....so I guess you might call that a

case of man bites druid. (laughs) On a sadder note, Pizza the Hut

(famed

half-man, half-pizza) was found dead earlier today in the back seat

of

his stretched limo. Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked

in

his car, and ate himself to death. Coming up, Pongo's review of

Rocky five....thousand.

Pongo.

BARF laughs and turns off the television.

BARF Did you here that? Pizza kicked the bucket.

Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for

ourselves.

LONE STARR Yeah.

EXT. PALACE - DAY EAGLE 5 flies in and circles

around the palace then lands on the ground.

INT. PALACE - THRONE ROOM - DAY The DOOR MAN opens

the door to let VESPA, LONE STARR, BARF, and DOT in. VESPA runs to

ROLAND.

VESPA Daddy. (runs to hug Roland) Oh, daddy.

ROLAND Vespa, my darling. I thought I'd never

see you again. Oh, my sweet little daughter. I'm so happy that home

and

safe. And little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.

ROLAND:

reveals VALIUM asleep in a chair. A man who was talking to ROLAND

hits

VALIUM. VALIUM wakes up.

VALIUM Oh, hello. (yawns) Where've you been? EXT.

EAGLE 5 - SPACE EAGLE 5 is flying into space away from the camera.

EXT. DINER - SPACE EAGLE has landed on the platform.

INT. DINER - SPACE A waitress is talking to the

cashier. The cashier gives her something.

WAITRESS Thanks, hon.

LONE STARR and BARF walk in. They sit at the bar.

The WAITRESS walks towards them. She gives them water.

WAITRESS (to Barf) Hi, big stuff. (to Lone Starr)

Hi, dream. (to both) What'll you have?

LONE STARR We've just got a few minutes while

were gasin' up. What's ready?

WAITRESS I can give the Space Soup or the Space

Special.

LONE STARR Ummmmm, I'll have the soup.

WAITRESS Okay. (writes the order)

BARF I'll have the cleavage, ur, the special.

WAITRESS Okay, I have one special and one soup.

The WAITRESS comes up behind them to a table. BARF'S TAIL is wagging

and

is going up the waitress's mini-skirt.

WAITRESS You ready to order? CUSTOMER Hi, yes.

We'll both have the luna fish.

WAITRESS Okay, anything to drink? (turns around)

Hey, hey, watch you're stickin' that thing.

BARF (turns around) Huh? Oh, look, it's got a

mind of it's own, sweetheart. I can't do a thing with it. (laughs)

The WAITRESS walks away to another table. BARF

howls like a dog. LONE STARR hits him.

BARF What?

Some people are sitting at the other end of the

bar. One of them is telling a story. One of them (JOHN HURT) is

eating.

GUY AT BAR We were lost. None of us knew where

we were. And then Harry began feelin' around on all the trees. And

then

he says, "I got it: we on Pluto. And we said, "Harry how

can

you tell?" He said, "From the bark you dummies. (laughs)

From

the bark. (laughs)

JOHN HURT starts to act like he's choking on his

food. Then he grabs his stomach like he has indigestion.

WOMAN AT BAR Is he all right?

GUY AT BAR Yeah, this guy digs me.

JOHN HURT spits out some of his food. They lie

him down on the bar. LONE STARR and BARF look and react.

WOMAN AT BAR Bring some water.

GUY AT BAR Water my ass. Bring this guy some Pempto

Bismal.

BARF Waitress! Waitress, what did order?

The WAITRESS comes over to BARF. She looks over

to JOHN HURT.

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