Spaceballs Page #10

EXT. EAGLE - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE

LONE STARR walks down the ladder. He walks over to the emergency

exit door.

He opens the door and walks in. When the door closes the silent

emergency

alarm goes off.

INT. MEGA MAID - EXT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE

A GUARD is standing next to the door to the self destruct room. LONE

STARR:

sneaks up on him and tries to knock him out with the Vulcan Neck

Pinch.

GUARD reacts.

GUARD (MILA) What the hell are you doin'?

LONE STARR The Vulcan Neck Pinch.

GUARD (MILA) No, no, stupid, you've got it much

too high. It's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.

LONE STARR changes his hand position.

LONE STARR Like this?

GUARD (MILA) Yeah. (falls down unconscious)

LONE STARR Thanks. LONE STARR takes the key card

from the GUARD'S belt. He uses it in the panel to open the door. The

panel

opens up showing an outline of a hand.

PANEL'S VOICE Hand print identification, please.

Hand print identification, please.

PANEL'S VOICE keeps repeating. LONE STARR takes

the glove off the hand of the guard. He puts it in the outline. The

voice

stops. It scans the hand. A door opens next to the panel.

LONE STARR Thanks again. (knocks on Guard's helmet)

LONE STARR goes in the door.

INT. SELF-DESTRUCT ROOM - SPACE LONE STARR walks

in. He notices green bars guarding the self- destruct button.

SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Is that you Mila?

LONE STARR reacts. He points the Schwartz ring

at a can of Spaceballs-the Shaving Cream. It starts to move towards

him.

The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD reacts. He turns around to LONE STARR who

catches

the can.

SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD Who are you? What are you

doing with that?

LONE STARR This.

LONE STARR sprays shaving cream in the eyes of

the SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD. The SELF-DESTRUCT GUARD screams and opens

his

mouth. LONE STARR sprays the cream down his mouth. The SELF-DESTRUCT

GUARD:

falls down unconscious.

LONE STARR Sweat dreams.

LONE STARR takes the card off the SELF-DESTRUCT

GUARD'S belt. He inserts it into a panel and moves a switch to pull

up

the green bars. The green bars disappear. LONE STARR walks up to the

self-destruct

button. It says, "DO NOT PUSH UNLESS YOU REALLY, REALLY, MEAN

IT."

LONE STARR begins to press the button.

HELMET (mask down) Not so fast, Lone Starr. (walks

in)

LONE STARR Helmet. So, at last we meet for the

first time for the last time. (thinks about what he said) Yeah.

HELMET Before you die, there is something you

should know about us, Lone Starr.

LONE STARR What?

HELMET I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's

former room-mate.

LONE STARR What's that make us?

HELMET Absolutely nothing. Which is what you are

about to become. Prepare to die.

HELMET puts his Schwartz ring on. He puts his

hands next to his crouch. A green light beam similar to a light

saber.

LONE STARR does the same.

HELMET You have the ring, and I see your Schwartz

is as big as mine.

Both look at their beams.

HELMET Now let's see how well you handle it.

HELMET walks over to LONE STARR and starts to

fight with him. They swipe at each other with their beams. HELMET

pulls

back a little too far and knocks off the sound manager from the

stage crew.

He screams and falls off a ledge. LONE STARR and HELMET stop

fighting.

HELMET Ummm, he did it.

LONE STARR What?

LONE STARR swipes at HELMET. HELMET blocks it.

They start fighting again. They swipe at each other until their

beams become

twisted.

HELMET Sh*t. I hate it when I get my Schwartz

twisted. Okay, maybe if my put leg up on yours we can split apart.

HELMET puts his foot on LONE STARR'S leg.

HELMET Good, yeah. On three; one, two, three,

go.

HELMET and LONE STARR pull away from each other.

Their beams disappear. HELMET looks up and recreates his beam. He

points

it at LONE STARR. LONE STARR does the same and points his at HELMET.

They

move in closer. Their beams touch ends. They are trying to cause the

other

to lose their beam. HELMET loses his beam. LONE STARR swipes at

HELMET'S

helmet. It doesn't make a mark. He tries again, same. He tries

again, same.

HELMET lifts his mask up and laughs at him. LONE STARR'S beam

disappears.

He punches HELMET'S face. HELMET'S mask falls down. He recreates his

beam

and charges at LONE STARR. LONE STARR holds him back with his hand.

HELMET:

swipes at him several times. LONE STARR lets go of HELMET. HELMET

runs

into a locker with his helmet.

HELMET So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well.

If there is one thing I despise, it is a fair fight. But if I must

than

I must. May the best man win. Put 'er there. (offers to shake his

hand)

LONE STARR goes to shake his hand. HELMET takes

the ring off LONE STARR'S hand.

HELMET The ring. I can't believe you fell for

the oldest trick in the book. What a goof. What's with you man? Come

on.

You know what? No, here let me give it back to you. (offers the ring

back)

LONE STARR goes up to get the ring back. HELMET

throws it in a grate. The ring goes in the grate. LONE STARR tries

to catch

it and falls to the grate.

HELMET Oh, look. You fell for that, too. I can't

believe it man.

LONE STARR gets up and runs to a corner.

HELMET So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will

always triumph, because good is dumb.

HELMET fires a green beam at LONE STARR. LONE

STARR dodges. HELMET tries again. LONE STARR dodges. HELMET tries

again.

LONE STARR dodges. LONE STARR backs into another corner.

HELMET Very impressive, Lone Starr. Too bad this

isn't the Wide World of Sports.

YOGURT'S VOICE Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use

the Schwartz.

LONE STARR I can't. I lost the ring.

YOGURT'S VOICE(O.S.) Forget the ring. The ring

is pumpkin. I found it in a Cracker Jack box. The Schwartz is in

you, Lone

Starr. It's in you.

LONE STARR All right. I'll try.

HELMET Say goodbye to your two best friends, and

I don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

LONE STARR points his fist at a mirror on a shelf.

It starts to move towards him. HELMET fires another green beam at

his crouch.

LONE STARR catches the mirror, and cover his crouch. The beam

reflects

off the mirror to HELMET. It hits HELMET'S crouch. HELMET falls back

into

the self-destruct button and activates it.

SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct

button. This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.

LONE STARR runs out of the room.

INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE An alarm starts going off.

Red lights start flashing. SKROOB and SANDURZ react.

SKROOB What's going on? Where the hell are we,

Paris?

SHIP'S VOICE Thank you for pressing the self-destruct

button. This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and

forty-five

seconds.

SKROOB You've got to stop it. Is there any to

stop it?

SANDURZ I can't. It's irreversible.

SKROOB Like my raincoat.

SANDURZ (in microphone) Attention. This is Colonel

Sandurz in forward command. Abandon ship. Abandon ship.

Everyone on the ship starts to panic and run like

crazy.

SANDURZ (in microphone) All personnel, proceed

to escape pods. Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo. Self-

destruct

mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.

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