Spaceballs Page #9

CAPTAIN looks at VESPA with his mouth open. VESPA'S

STUNT is a man with a cigar in his mouth.

CAPTAIN You idiots! These are not them. You've

captured their stunt doubles! Search the area. Find them! Find them!

SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON DOME - NIGHT The

real BARF, LONE STARR, VESPA, and DOT come out of the PRISON DOME.

LONE:

STARR is firing at TROOPERS that follows them out the door. A laser

blast

hits the lock on a door of the EAGLE 5. BARF runs over to the that

door.

He tries to open it.

VESPA Open the door.

BARF I can't. It's fused.

VESPA Well, what about this one? (pulls on another

door)

BARF It's locked.

VESPA Well, where are the keys?

BARF Inside.

VESPA Oh, great!

LONE STARR Duck!

BARF, DOT, and VESPA lean against the EAGLE 5.

LONE STARR runs back towards the door that's fused. He hands his gun

to

VESPA.

LONE STARR Here, you hold 'em off. I'll get the

door.

VESPA I ain't shootin' this thing. I hate guns.

A TROOPER fires at VESPA'S hair. The laser blast

hits it.

DOT Ah.

VESPA My hair. He shot my hair. Son of a b*tch.

(c*cks gun)

VEPSA walks toward the TROOPERS. She starts firing

at the them. She hits every one of them. BARF and LONE STARR look

up.

BARF Holy sh*t.>

VESPA (blows the barrel) How was that.

LONE STARR Not bad.

BARF Not bad for a girl.

DOT Hey, that was pretty good for Rambo.

VESPA Let's blow this joint.

EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE There are foot steps

running somewhere on the ship.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SKROOB is running down

the ship towards HELMET and SANDURZ.

VOICE(O.S.) President Skroob. Salute.

ALL Hail Skroop. (salute)

SKROOB (stops running) The ship is too big. If

I walk, the movie would be over.

SANDURZ Sir?

SKROOB Yes, uuh.

SKROOB looks at HELMET. HELMET'S mask is down.

>SKROOB Never have that damn thing down in

front

of me. How do I know you're not making faces at me under there.

HELMET lifts up his mask. He sticks his tongue

out at SKROOB.

SANDURZ President Skroob

SKROOB Yes.

HELMET puts his tongue back in his mouth.

SANDURZ There it is: Planet Druidia.

SKROOB Ah, Planet Druidia, and ten thousand years

of fresh air.

HELMET (mask up; to Sandurz) The way he runs things,

it last a hundred.

SKROOB What?

HELMET shrugs.

SANDURZ We're beginning metamorphosis, sir.

SKROOB Good. Get on with it.

HELMET Ready, Kafka?

INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE LONE STARR,

BARF, VESPA, and DOT are sitting up front. LONE STARR is driving.

LONE STARR Look. It's Spaceball 1. They've reached

the air shield.

DOT And it's opening.

BARF How they gonna get the air out? I don't see

any hoses or anything.

EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE SPACEBALL

1 begins to move. It starts to change form.

VESPA(O.S.) What's happening? The ship it's changing.

SPACEBALL 1 keeps on changing. Arms start to grow

out of the side. The rockets turn into feet.

INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE

BARF Oh my gosh. It's not just a spaceship. It's

a transformer.

EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - ORBIT DRUIDIA - SPACE The front

of the ship starts to turn over.

DOT(O.S.) It's changing into....

BARF(O.S.) ....a gigantic....

The front turns over to reveal a head similar

the Statue of Liberty's head. SPACEBALL 1 has changed into a Statue

of

Liberty with a maid's outfit and a vacuum cleaner.

VESPA(O.S.) ....maid.

LONE STARR(O.S.) With a vacuum cleaner.

BARF(O.S.) So that's how they're gonna to get

the air out.

INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The

front of the ship is almost the same, except for the escape pods at

the

top.

SANDURZ Metamorphoses is completed, sir. Spaceball

1 has now become.... (looks at the timpanist) The TIMPANIST plays a

sort

of fanfare on the timpani.

SANDURZ ....Mega Maid.

HELMET (mask up) Good.

SKROOB Remarkable.

HELMET Now, commence Operation: Vacu-suck.

EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE A finger

flips a switch on the vacuum to "ON." The vacuum starts

up.

PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY The vacuum sucks

up snow off of a mountain. It sucks up trees out of a forest.

INT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE

SKROOB, HELMET, & SANDURZ Suck. Suck. Suck.

PLANET DRUIDIA - INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM -

DAY ROLAND is looking at a picture of VESPA. He is having trouble

breathing.

ROLAND Goodbye, little Vespa. My little baby,

Vespa. (faints)

INT. EAGLE 5 - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE

VESPA The air bag, it's almost full.

LONE STARR We've gotta act fast. Step 1, we reverse

the vacuum and blow the air back on the planet; step 2, we destroy

that

thing.

VESPA But isn't that dangerous?

LONE STARR Extremely, plus, I don't know how the

hell we're gonna do it. BARF What about that ring Yogurt gave you?

LONE STARR Oh yeah. LONE STARR pulls the Schwartz

ring out of his pocket.

LONE STARR But....

BARF C'mon, boss, give it a shot.

LONE STARR Okay. Here goes nothing.

LONE STARR points the ring at the vacuum.

EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE The

switch on the vacuum starts to glow and move towards the reverse

part of

the vacuum.

VESPA(O.S.) Look at that. Wow.

BARF(O.S.) It....it's working.

VESPA(O.S.) C'mon Schwartz.

VESPA, BARF, & DOT(O.S.) C'mon Schwartz. C'mon

Schwartz. C'mon Schwartz.

The switch flips over to the reverse part. The

vacuum starts blowing air back on the planet.

INT. MEGA MAID - SPACE

SKROOB Helmet, what's going on?

HELMET (mask down) Sandurz, what's going on?

SANDURZ It's Mega Maid. She gone from suck to

blow.

HELMET and SANDURZ react.

SKROOB What? They're getting all their air back.

(to Helmet) Do something. HELMET (to Sandurz) Do something.

SANDURZ (in microphone) Do something.

PLANET DRUIDIA - SURFACE - DAY The snow is dumped

back on the mountain. The trees are planted back in the same spots.

INT. PALACE - ROLAND'S ROOM - DAY Air starts to

come in. ROLAND wakes up.

ROLAND I'm breathing. Air. Air!

EXT. MEGA MAID - ORBIT OF DRUIDIA - SPACE EAGLE

5 flies in the ear of the head.

INT. EAGLE 5 - INT. MEGA MAID - EAR CANAL - SPACE

LONE STARR Dim the lights.

BARF Dimming the lights. (hits a switch)

The lights go out.

LONE STARR Go to inferred.

BARF Going to inferred. (turns a knob)

LONE STARR Prey to God.

BARF Preying to God.

The inferred light comes on. The television monitor

shows a layout of the ear canal. It shows how the EAGLE 5 is

maneuvering

through the canal. LONE STARR turns on the scanning switch.

DOT Careful. Careful.

BARF What are you doin'?

LONE STARR Scanning. There's gotta be a self-

destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.

The scanner looks around the ship.

LONE STARR I think we just found it. VESPA Where?

LONE STARR Watch.

LONE STARR hits a switch. The television monitor

shows a a red flashing button.

LONE STARR Bingo. There it is. It's right below

us. Put her in hover, Barf.

BARF Putting her hover.

LONE STARR I'm goin' down there. (walks toward

the door)

BARF He's goin' down there. I wouldn't.

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