Spaceballs Page #8

HELMET What'd you do?

SANDURZ I turned off the wall.

HELMET No you didn't. You turned off the whole movie.

SANDURZ Well I must have pressed the wrong button.

HELMET Well, turn it back on. Put the movie back on.

SANDURZ Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

The screen comes back on. HELMET and SANDURZ are standing in front.

SCHLOTKINS is kissing on GRETCHEN'S breasts. She is still making

sensual noises.

HELMET We gotta get that thing fixed. We're back, and we have the

combination. Schlotkins.

SCHLOTKINS (turns around) What?

GRETCHEN zips up her dress.

HELMET We're done with you. Go back to the golf course and work on

your puts.

SCHLOTKINS Let's go Arnold. Come Gretchen. Of course, you know, I'll

still have to bill you for this.

SCHLOTKINS, ARNOLD, and GRETCHEN walk out the door. GRETCHEN looks

at HELMET and SANDURZ before she walks out.

HELMET I bet she gives great helmet.

SKROOB walks in.

SKROOB Well, did it work? Where's the king?

HELMET It worked, sir. We have the combination.

SKROOB Great. Now we can take every last breath fresh air from

planet Druidia. What's the combination?

SANDURZ One, two, three, four, five.

SKROOB One, two, three, four, five?

SANDURZ That's amazing. I've got the same combination on my luggage.

Prepare Spaceball 1 for immediate departure.

SANDURZ Yes, sir.

SKROOB, SANDURZ, and HELMET start walking out the door.

SKROOB And change the combination on my luggage.

HELMET walks through the door. The door closes on him.

HELMET Aaaaaa.

PLANET SPACEBALL - INT. EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF are in

the front. LONE STARR is driving.

BARF There it is. Spaceball City straight ahead.

LONE STARR Good. I'm takin' her in.

SPACEBALL CITY - EXT. PRISON BALL - NIGHT EAGLE 5 lands on the road.

It is a no parking zone. Two DOOR GUARDS are standing at the door.

SLENDER DOOR GUARD What the hell is that thing?

CHUBBY DOOR GUARD It looks like a Winnebago with wings.

SLENDER DOOR GUARD Gees. Hey you can't park here.

CHUBBY DOOR GUARD Yeah, can't you guys read: No parking.

BARF opens the door and flicks them off. He also makes kissing

noises. BARF is hinting they're lovers.

SLENDER DOOR GUARD That son of a.... (c*cks gun)

The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and CHUBBY DOOR GUARD go to the door that

BARF went back in.

SLENDER DOOR GUARD All right, hands up. You're under arrest for

illegal parking.

CHUBBY DOOR GUARD Yeah.

They walk in. The EAGLE 5 starts rocking back and forth. The guards

are shouting. Afterwards, LONE STARR comes out in the SLENDER DOOR

GUARD'S uniform. BARF comes out in the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD'S

uniform. His tail is sticking out the back of the pants. They walk

to the

door. LONE STARR unlocks the door with the key on the uniform. They

walk

in.

INT. PRISON DOME - FRONT HALL - NIGHT LONE STARR

and BARF walk down a hall. They notice a PRISON GUARD walking down

the

hall towards them. LONE STARR and BARF stand against the wall. The

PRISON:

GUARD walks past them. LONE STARR and BARF start walking the way

they were

going. The PRISON GUARD looks back at them. He notices BARF'S TAIL.

He

looks forward again.

PRISON GUARD Nah.

INT. PRISON DOME - ROYAL PRISONS - NIGHT LONE

STARR and BARF walk in. They notice a sign above the doorway. It

says,

"ROYAL PRISONERS ONLY. MAXIMUM SECURITY."

LONE STARR She's gotta be in one of these cells.

BARF Yeah, but which one.

They search in each door. They open the eye slot

on each door they look through.

BARF No.

LONE STARR No.

VESPA(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows....

LONE STARR It's coming from there.

BARF That can't be her.

LONE STARR and BARF walk towards the cell VESPA'S

singing is coming from.

VESPA(O.S.) (sings in deep voice) ....the trouble

I've seen.

LONE STARR opens the eye slot. He finds VESPA

inside. DOT is sleeping next to her.

VESPA (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows but Jesus.

LONE STARR It's her.

BARF looks in.

VESPA (sings in deep voice) Nobody knows the trouble

I've seen.

BARF She's a bass.

VESPA (sings in deep voice) Glory hallelujah.

LONE STARR opens the door with the key he used

to open the front door. He and BARF walk in. The door closes on

BARF'S

TAIL.

BARF Hieee.

VESPA What do you what? DOT wakes up.

LONE STARR (takes off helmet) It's me.

BARF (takes off helmet) It's us.

VESPA Lone Starr. How'd you find us?

LONE STARR No time to talk. C'mon.

BARF We gotta move.

DOT Barf. How'd you do it?

LONE STARR pulls VESPA out of the cell. BARF follows

with DOT. They sneak out of the hall.

SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRISON DOME - INNER HALLS

- NIGHT LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT start to run for the front

door.

LONE STARR stops.

SLENDER DOOR GUARD(O.S) Freeze!

The SLENDER DOOR GUARD and the CHUBBY DOOR GUARD

are standing in the hall with their guns. They are in their

underwear.

SLENDER DOOR GUARD Those are the guys that stole

our uniforms. (c*cks gun)

CHUBBY DOOR GUARD And beat the sh*t out of us,

too. (c*cks gun)

LONE STARR c*cks his gun. He fires it at the door

guards. The door guards run off. Laser blasts come from another

hall.

LONE STARR Ah-oh, we got company.

LONE STARR kneels down and crawls over to the

opposite wall. VESPA, BARF, and DOT follow. LONE STARR and BARF fire

at

the troopers that are firing at them.

BARF Dammit. That's our only way out.

VESPA We're trapped!

DOT Oh, I hate these movies.

LONE STARR and BARF keep firing at the troopers.

BARF throws his gun down.

BARF I'm outta ammo.

LONE STARR Get back. I'll hold 'em off.

LONE STARR and the TROOPERS keep firing at each

other.

BARF I got an idea.

BARF walks over to a quad-pipe loop. LONE STARR

stops firing and stands up.

LONE STARR What are you doing?

BARF starts to pull out the pipes.

DOT What's he doing?

BARF pulls out half of the pipes. He takes it

to the hallway where the firing is coming from. He faces the

openings to

the TROOPERS. The TROOPERS fire at BARF. The shots go into the

pipes. They

enter the top and exit the bottom. All the shots hit each TROOPER.

When

each TROOPER is hit, they fall down.

LONE STARR Good work.

Laser blasts come out of another hall.

LONE STARR Ah-oh, more ping-pongs. Run for it.

BARF Let's go.

BARF starts running down a hall. LONE STARR starts

running. VESPA and DOT start running.

VESPA It's closing.

A door in front of them starts closing vertically.

VESPA The door is closing.

LONE STARR Go for the door.

LONE STARR, BARF, DOT, and VESPA jump through

the door just before it closes.

SPACEBALL CITY - INT. CONTROL ROOM - NIGHT TROOPERS

come in through another door. LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT start

to

get up.

TROOPER Don't move, or you're dead! Stand up!

Captain, we've got them!

The CAPTAIN walks in behind them.

CAPTAIN Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all

for not. Turn around please.

LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.

The stunts of LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT turn around.

CAPTAIN Ha. What a pity. What a pity. So, Princess,

you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of....

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