Spaceballs Page #7

SANDURZ Well, how are we gonna go in there and get her?

HELMET (flips his mask on) We will not go in there. She will come

out to us. (holds up his ring)

INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT VESPA is sleeping in a bed surrounded by

candles. DOT is in Sleep Mode.

ROLAND'S VOICE Vespa. Vespa, my child. Where are you?

VESPA (wakes up) Daddy?

ROLAND'S VOICE Vespa, it's your father, King Roland. Come to me.

VESPA Daddy. Daddy, I hear you. I hear you. Where are you? (starts

walking out the door)

ROLAND'S VOICE Follow my voice. Come to me. Come to me.

DOT (wakes up) Vespa, where are you going?

EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT ROLAND is standing outside in the desert.

ROLAND Vespa, come to me.

VESPA (opens the door and walks on the desert toward Roland) Daddy,

is it really you?

ROLAND Yes, my dear. I guarantee it. Would I lie?

VESPA Daddy.

DOT walks out and turns on the Supervision Mode.

DOT Oh, Vespa, don't.

When VESPA reaches to hug ROLAND, he turns into HELMET.

VESPA Ah! Ohhhhh. (faints and falls into Helmet's arms)

HELMET (mask down) Fooled you. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

A guard covers Dot's eyes and she shuts down. HELMET Take them both

aboard, and put the princess in my quarters. (hands her to Sandurz)

SANDURZ Yes sir. (walks off screen with Vespa)

HELMET Now she is mine.

INT. TEMPLE - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF come from their room. The

DINKS are dinking, "They've taken the princess."

LONE STARR What are they sayin'?

YOGURT They've taken the princess.

LONE STARR and BARF run outside.

EXT. DESERT - NIGHT Spaceball 1 takes off toward space. LONE STARR

and BARF just now get out the door.

LONE STARR Spaceballs, too late.

BARF Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.

DESERT - EAGLE 5 - NIGHT LONE STARR and BARF are getting ready to

leave.

LONE STARR Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.

YOGURT You're welcome, and here. (throws a fortune cookie at Lone

Starr) Just encase you get hungry.

LONE STARR (catches it) A fortune cookie?

YOGURT Yes. Remember, open it before you eat it.

LONE STARR Thanks. Well, we'd better get going. I wonder, we will we

ever see each other again.

YOGURT Who knows. God willing we'll all meet again in Spaceballs II:

The Search for More Money. Good-bye, Lone Starr.

LONE STARR Good-bye, Yogurt.

LONE STARR and YOGURT shake hands. When LONE STARR pulls his hand

back, he pulls back the ring.

LONE STARR The ring of the Schwartz. No, I can't take this.

YOGURT Take it. Take it. You might need it.

LONE STARR Thanks. I'll never forget you. Wish me luck. DINKS Dink,

dink.

LONE STARR climbs into Eagle 5. It starts up and takes off toward

space.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - HELMET'S ROOM - SPACE HELMET is apparently

talking to VEPSA.

HELMET (mask up; talking in his mask down voice) So, Princess Vespa.

At last, I have you in my clutches. To have my way with you. The way

I want to.

He is playing with dolls.

HELMET (imitating Vespa) No. No, please, leave me alone. (mask down

voice) No you are mine. (imitating Lone Starr) Not so fast, Helmet.

(mask down voice) Lone Starr. (imitating Lone Starr) Yes, it's me.

I'm here to save my girlfriend. Hi, honey. (mask down voice) Now you

are going to die. (imitating Lone Starr) Oh, oh, ohhhh. (imitating

Barf) Hey, what did you do to my friend? (mask down voice) The same

thing I'm going to do to you, big boy. (imitating Barf) Oh, ohhh.

(mask down voice) And you too. (imitating Dot) Oh, ohh. (mask down

voice) Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone. (imitating Vespa)

No, no, I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Leave me alone....yet, I

find you strangely attractive. (mask down voice) Of course you do.

Drewish princesses are always attracted to money and power. And I

have both, and you know it. (imitating Vespa) No, leave me alone.

(mask down voice) No, kiss me. (imitating Vespa) No, yes, no, yes,

yes, no, no, ah, oh, oh, oh, ah, ohh, oh, you're helmet is so big.

SANDURZ opens the door behind him.

SANDURZ Lord Helmet.

HELMET (holds all the dolls out of Sandurz's sight) What?

SANDURZ You're needed on the bridge, sir.

HELMET Knock on my door. Knock next time.

SANDURZ Yes, sir.

HELMET Did you see anything?

SANDURZ No, sir. I didn't see you playing with your dolls again.

HELMET Good.

PLANET SPACEBALL - SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BATHROOM - NIGHT

SKROOB is standing in front of the toilet. He is peeing. His back is

to the camera. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall in front of him.

COMMANDERETTE President Skroob.

SKROOB (covers crouch) Aaa. I told you never to call me on this

wall. This is an unlisted wall.

COMMANDERETTE Sorry, sir, but it's very urgent. Princess Vespa has

just been brought to your office, and Lord Helmet and Colonel

Sandurz are awaiting you there.

SKROOB All right, all right. Tell them I'll be right there.

COMMANDERETTE Yes, sir. (salutes)

SKROOB returns salute. He realizes he uncovered his crouch. He

covers it back up. COMMANDERETTE smirks and disappears off the wall.

SKROOB flushes the toilet and walks out.

INT. SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT HELMET and SANDURZ are talking to

ROLAND on the screen. Behind them is VESPA on a table turned

vertically. Also is DR. SCHLOTKINS, GRETCHEN, and ARNOLD.

ROLAND Helmet, you fiend, what's going on? What are you doing to my

daughter?

HELMET (mask down) Permit me to introduce the brilliant, young

plastic surgeon, Dr. Philip Schlotkins. The greatest nose-job man in

the entire universe and Beverly-Hills.

SCHLOTKINS Your highness.

ROLAND Nose-job? I don't understand. She's already had a nose. It

was a sweet- 16 present.

HELMET No, it's not what you think. It's much, much, worse. If you

do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkins

will give your daughter back (holds up picture) her old nose.

VESPA Nooooooooooooooooooo. Where did you get that?

ROLAND All right, I'll tell. I'll tell.

VESPA No, daddy, no. You mustn't.

ROLAND You're right my dear. I'll miss your new nose. But I will not

tell them the combination no matter what.

HELMET Very well. Dr. Schlotkins, do your worst.

SCHLOTKINS My pleasure.

The table turns horizontal. VESPA faints.

ROLAND No, wait, wait. I'll tell. I'll tell.

HELMET I knew it would work.

HELMET and SANDURZ go closer to the screen. SANDURZ is going to

write the combination down.

HELMET All right, give to me.

ROLAND The combination is (hesitates) one.

HELMET One.

SANDURZ One. (writes)

ROLAND Two.

HELMET Two.

SANDURZ Two. (writes)

ROLAND Three.

HELMET Three.

SANDURZ Three (writes)

ROLAND Four.

HELMET Four.

SANDURZ Four. (writes)

ROLAND (hesitates) Five.

HELMET Five.

SANDURZ Five. (writes)

HELMET So the combination is one, two, three, four, five. (lifts

mask) That's the stupidest combination I've ever heard in my life.

That's the kinda thing an idiot would have on his luggage.

SANDURZ Thank you, your highness.

SANDURZ takes a remote out of his pocket, points it at the wall, and

hits a button. Instead of turning off the wall, he turned off the

whole movie. A blank screen appears. GRETCHEN is making sensual

noises.

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