Spaceballs Page #6

SANDURZ Just go.

DRIVER Yes, sir.

SANDURZ Sir, shouldn't you sit down.

The cruiser takes off, and HELMET is thrown in his seat.

EXT. TEMPLE - DAY The DINKS are opening a secret door in the sand,

and lead LONE STARR, BARF, VESPA, and DOT inside. They walk down a

set of stairs.

INT. TEMPLE - DAY

DINKS Dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink.

BARF What are they sayin'?

VESPA Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.

They start walking down a tunnel with a huge statue at the end.

VESPA What is this place?

BARF It looks like the Temple of Doom.

DOT Sure ain't Temple Bethresel.

LONE STARR C'mon. I think we'd better follow 'em.

Steam starts coming out of the ears of the statue.

BARF Ah-oh. I think we woke it up.

DOT Goodbye, folks. (turns around and starts running to the door)

Let me know how it turns out.

VESPA Comeback here, Dot. We need you.

LONE STARR C'mon, we gotta keep going.

VESPA What's gonna happen now?

LONE STARR Don't ask, maybe it won't.

BARF Well, what if it does? I don't about know about you, but I'm

all for leaving. I think we oughtta get outta here....

Fire comes out of the statue's eyes.

LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF Wow!

YOGURT'S VOICE Silence! Who dares enter the sacred and awesome

presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt.

LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF Yogurt?

The bottom of the statue opens up. A small man about 3 feet tall

comes out.

YOGURT You heard of me?

LONE STARR Heard of ya? Who hasn't of Yogurt?

VESPA Yogurt, the wise.

DOT Yogurt, the all powerful. BARF Yogurt, the magnificent.

YOGURT Please, please, don't make a fuse. I'm just plain Yogurt.

LONE STARR But you're the one....

YOGURT Yes. I am the keeper of a greater magic. A power known

throughout the universe, known as....

BARF The force?

YOGURT No. The Schwartz.

LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, & BARF The Schwartz?

YOGURT Yes. The Schwartz.

He holds his Schwartz ring. His is different than the ring HELMET

has.

LONE STARR But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is that you do

here?

YOGURT Merchandising.

BARF Merchandising? What's that?

YOGURT Merchandising. Come. I'll show. Open up this door.

DINKS open a slab in the wall. In it, is a whole bunch of

"Spaceballs - The Movie" merchandise.

YOGURT Ha, ha, ha, come. Walk this way. Take a look. We put the

pictures name on everything. Merchandising. Merchandising. Where the

real money from the movie is made. Spaceballs-the T-shirt,

Spaceballs-the Coloring Book, Spaceballs-the Lunch box, Spaceballs-

the Breakfast Cereal, Spaceballs-the Flame Thrower. (turns it on)

DINKS Ooooooo.

YOGURT The kids love this one. Last, but not least, Spaceballs - the

Doll. (hold up a doll of himself) Me. (pulls on the string)

YOGURT DOLL May the Schwartz be with you.

DINKS giggle. YOGURT Adorable.

SPACEBALL CITY - INT. SKROOB'S BEDROOM - NIGHT MARLENE &

CHARLENE are in Skroob's bed. SKROOB is under "Spaceballs - the

Sheet" fondling the twins. MARLENE & CHARLENE Wew, wew,

wew, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ohh, weeew....

COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.

COMMANDERETTE President Skroob.

MARLENE & CHARLENE hide under the sheet. SKROOB comes out from

under the sheet. He is holding a book upside-down.

SKROOB What is it? COMMANDERETTE I have an urgent message from Lord

Helmet. He's lost the princess.

SKROOB Where?

COMMANDERETTE Somewhere on the sands of Vega.

SKROOB Tell him to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert.

COMMANDERETTE Yes, sir.

MOON OF VEGA - DESERT - DAY Six guards are moving large combs across

the desert. HELMET and SANDURZ are in the cruiser.

SANDURZ Sir.

HELMET (mask off; in bullhorn) What?

SANDURZ Are we being too literal.

HELMET (in bullhorn) No, you fool. We're following orders. We were

told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.

HELMET puts down the bullhorn and shouts to the troopers.

HELMET (shouts) Found anything yet?

TROOPER WITH COMB Nothing yet, sir. HELMET (shouts) How about you?

TROOPER WITH 2ND COMB Not a thing, sir.

HELMET (shouts) What about you guys?

TROOPER WITH MINI COMB We ain't found sh*t.

INT. TEMPLE - DAY YOGURT and LONE STARR are standing in front the

big statue. LONE STARR is showing YOGURT his medallion.

LONE STARR It's a big mystery. None of the wise men can tell me what

it means.

YOGURT Wise men, pa sha. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know.

Here, let me take a look. (he takes the medallion) Whuck, whuck,

munuck, munck, muck, muck.

LONE STARR You can read it?

YOGURT No, I was just clearing my throat. Here, let me take look at

this. Ohh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course.

LONE STARR You understand it?

YOGURT Yes.

LONE STARR What's it say?

YOGURT I cannot tell you that now. It will be revealed to you at the

proper time.

LONE STARR Great. (puts the medallion back in his shirt)

YOGURT C'mon, don't be disappointed. Back to your Schwartz training.

Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue.

LONE STARR (puts the ring on) Okay, but I still don't understand how

I'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.

YOGURT Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz.

LONE STARR points the ring to statue.

YOGURT C'mon, concentrate. Ooghuh, ooghugh. ooghuh.

The statue starts lifting off the ground.

YOGURT Lone Starr, you're doing it. You're doing it. (laughs)

LONE STARR I can't believe it. The Schwartz, it's working.

BARF walks by the statue and puts his foot under it.

BARF Hey, boss, how'd you do that?

LONE STARR puts the ring down. The statue falls on Barf's toe.

BARF Whaoooooooooooooo! Whao, whao, whao, ahhhh, who, who, whooo. .

. .

YOGURT Gimme the ring. Gimmie the ring.

YOGURT takes the ring from LONE STARR. He points it at the big

statue. YOGURT Upsidasi, upsimasi, upsidaisy.

The statue lifts up, and BARF lifts his foot out. It is big and

flat. BARF Owwwwwww, ooooooooooohohoooooo, ooooooo....

LONE STARR Sorry, Barf.

BARF (growls) Oooooooooooooohohooooooo, oooooooooooohohooooooo.

EXT. TEMPLE - NIGHT HELMET is standing next to the secret door. He

can't see because it is covered in sand. SANDURZ is telling the

troops what to do.

SANDURZ Keep searching. (to Helmet) It's no use use, sir. We've

searched everywhere.

HELMET (mask off) Wait. I feel the presence of the Schwartz.

SANDURZ The Schwartz?

HELMET Yes. It's coming.... (gets his ring out of his pocket and

puts it on)

SANDURZ covers his crouch.

HELMET ....from somewhere down....there.

SANDURZ (bushes away the sand) You're right, sir. There's a secret

entrance here. And look at this insignia, it's a Y.

HELMET Yogurt. Yogurt. I hate Yogurt. Even with strawberries.

SANDURZ I'll call the attack squad, sir.

HELMET No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. It's far

too powerful.

SANDURZ But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?

HELMET No, he got the up-side. I got the down-side. You see, there's

two kinds of every Schwartz.

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