Spaceballs Page #5

SANDURZ Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.

CORPORAL starts the tape. It starts on the FBI Warning.

SANDURZ Started much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.

CORPORAL Preparing to fast-forward.

SANDURZ Fast-forward.

CORPORAL Fast-forwarding, sir.

Starts fast-forwarding through the ludicrous speed scene. Helmet is

thrown into the panel at a high-speed.

HELMET Nnnnno. Go past this, past this part. In fact, never play

this again.

SANDURZ Try here. Stop.

The movie stops at the exact same thing that is actually happening

now. HELMET looks at the camera, then he turns back to the monitor.

SANDURZ looks at the camera when HELMET looks back at the monitor,

then he looks back at the monitor. HELMET looks at the camera when

SANDURZ looks back at the monitor. When HELMET turns back, he waves

his hand. He turns back to the camera.

HELMET What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the

movie?

SANDURZ Now. You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens

now, is happening now.

HELMET What happened to then?

SANDURZ We passed then?

HELMET When?

SANDURZ Just now. We're at now, now.

HELMET Go back to then.

SANDURZ When?

HELMET Now.

SANDURZ Now?

HELMET Now.

SANDURZ I can't.

HELMET Why?

SANDURZ We missed it.

HELMET When?

SANDURZ Just now.

HELMET When will then be now?

CORPORAL rewinds the tape. He stops at the point when LONE STARR,

BARF, VESPA, and DOT are walking through the desert.

SANDURZ Soon.

HELMET How soon?

CORPORAL Sir.

HELMET What?

CORPORAL We've identified their location.

HELMET Where?

CORPORAL It's the Moon of Vega.

SANDURZ Good work. Set a course, and prepare for

our arrival.

HELMET When?

CORPORAL Nineteen-hundred hours, sir.

SANDURZ By high-noon, tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.

HELMET Hoooooo. (mask falls down)

DESERT - NIGHT DOT is sleeping with a light going that says,

"Sleep Mode." VESPA is cold and trying to keep warm. LONE

STARR offers her his coat.

VESPA No thank you. I'm perfectly all right.

LONE STARR Take it. It's freezing (puts the jacket on her)

VESPA If you insist. (smells the alcohol on the coat) Won't you be

cold?

LONE STARR Na, cold never bothers me.

VESPA I can't seem to find Druidia.

LONE STARR It's right there.

VESPA Where?

LONE STARR Right there. (points to a blue star) It's that bright,

blue one, right there. See?

VESPA Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.

LONE STARR Don't worry. I'll get ya there.

VESPA Which one's yours?

LONE STARR Who knows.

VESPA You don't know where your from?

LONE STARR Not really. I was found on the doorstep of a monastery.

VESPA Monastery? Where?

LONE STARR Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

VESPA Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents?

LONE STARR They couldn't. They took a vowel of silence. All I got

was this.

He pulls a medallion out from his shirt. It has some type of

writing. LONE STARR It was around my neck.

VESPA What is it?

LONE STARR I don't know. I've taken it to every wise man in the

universe. No one can tell me what it means.

VESPA It's beautiful. You know I.... It's beautiful.

LONE STARR puts the medallion back in his shirt.

LONE STARR So, how come you ran away from your wedding?

VESPA Well, if you must know, I wasn't in love with the groom.

LONE STARR Why were you gonna marry him?

VESPA Because, I'm a princess, and I have to marry a prince. LONE

STARR Ah, and he doesn't do it for you, huh?

VESPA No, he doesn't do it for me. I really must go back. I

shouldn't have run away. I realize, now, that love is one luxury a

princess cannot afford.

LONE STARR You're probably right.

VESPA I know, now, that I must live without love.

LONE STARR I guess so.

VESPA Besides, love isn't that important.

LONE STARR Naaa, never was.

VESPA I could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love.

(looks at him)

LONE STARR Sure you could.

VESPA Without physical contact.

LONE STARR Yeah.

VESPA Without being held. (moves closer to him)

LONE STARR Yeah. (moves in closer)

VESPA Or kissed.

VESPA and LONE STARR are about to kiss when an alarm starts going

off. DOT'S Virgin Alarm is going off.

BARF (wakes up) Abandon ship. Abandon ship. Women and mogs first.

DOT walks over to VESPA and LONE STARR. DOT We'll have none of that,

mister. (to Vespa) How far did he get? Where'd he touch? Where'd he

touch?

VESPA Nothing happened.

LONE STARR What the hell was that noise?

DOT That was my Virgin Alarm. It's programmed to go off before you

do. You get back to bed, miss. And as for you, sex-fiend....

LONE STARR All right. All right. Let's all get some sleep. We gotta

get moving before dawn.

BARF Why so early?

LONE STARR Because, we're in the middle of the desert, and we're not

gonna get far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

DISSOLVE TO:
A blazing sun.

BARF'S VOICE Nice dissolve.

DESERT - MORNING LONE STARR is walking, followed by BARF, DOT, then

VESPA. They are all getting tired.

LONE STARR Water, water.

BARF (panting) Water.

DOT Oil, oil.

VEPSA Room service, room service.

DISSOLVE TO:
A blazing sun.

DESERT - DAY LONE STARR is carrying VESPA. BARF is carrying DOT.

VESPA and DOT are asleep. BARF and LONE STARR are really tired.

BARF I can't, I can't, I can't go, I can't go any further. I can't

go any further.

LONE STARR Just one more dune to go.

BARF Nope. you said that three dunes ago. I got no more left. Oh,

waiter, check please. (falls down)

LONE STARR Must go on. Must go on. Must go on. Who am I kidding.

(drops Vespa then falls down)

The DINKS walk on the screen. They are short people with gold-

brownish skin.

DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink....

DINKS see LONE STARR, VESPA, BARF, and DOT lying on the ground. They

go to their aid.

HEAD DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

DINKS split up and start giving water and oil to VESPA, LONE STARR,

BARF, and DOT.

DINK (with Barf) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink. Dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink.

BARF'S TAIL starts wagging.

DINK Dink, dink, dink, dink.

BARF Oh, thanks little guy. (starts lapping the water)

LONE STARR Thank you.

DINKS Dink, dink, dink.

LONE STARR Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?

LONE STARR, VESPA, DOT, and BARF are being led by the DINKS to

somewhere.

DINKS (sing) Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink,

dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

DESERT - HELMET'S CRUISER - DAY HELMET and SANDURZ are in a cruiser.

HELMET is standing up, looking though binoculars. He has different

type of uniform with a different type of helmet.

HELMET (mask on) I don't see them, Sandurz.

SANDURZ I've sent the troops on up to Vector 78, sir.

HELMET Good. Let's get moving.

SANDURZ Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.

HELMET What are you preparing. You're always preparing. Just go!

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