Spaceballs Page #4

HELMET No, no, no, light speed is too slow.

SANDURZ Light speed, too slow?

HELMET Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

ALL gasp.

SANDURZ (gasp) Ludicrous speed? Sir, we've never gone that fast

before. I don't know if this ship can take it.

HELMET What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz, chicken?

SANDURZ (in high pitch) Prepare ship, (back to normal) prepare ship

for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and

exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the 3-ring circus, secure

all animals in the zoo....

HELMET (takes the microphone) Gimme that you peddy excuse for an

officer.

SANDURZ sits in his seat and buckles up.

HELMET (in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed....

SANDURZ Sir, hadn't you better buckle up.

HELMET Aah, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!

The ship takes off. The display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous

Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. Helmet is being pulled back.

HELMET Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 passes over them leaving a plaid

shadow.

BARF What the hell was that?

LONE STARR Spaceball 1.

BARF They've gone to plaid.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE

HELMET We passed them. Stop this thing.

SANDURZ We can't stop. It's too dangerous. We have to slow down

first.

HELMET Bullshit. Just stop this thing. I order you. Stooooop!

SANDURZ pulls on emergency brake which reads, "Emergency Stop,

never use." The ship stops and HELMET goes flying into a panel.

SANDURZ (picks Helmet up) Are you all right, sir?

HELMET Fine. How've you been?

SANDURZ Fine, sir.

HELMET Good.

SANDURZ It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.

HELMET Yeah.

SANDURZ What should we do now, sir?

HELMET Well, are we stopped?

SANDURZ We're stopped, sir.

HELMET Good. Well, why don't we take a five minute break.

SANDURZ Very good, sir.

HELMET Smoke if you got 'em. (falls forward)

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE

LONE STARR Take her out of hyperactive. BARF Takin' her out of

hyperactive. (pulls down switch) Ah, congrads, boss, we did it. They

must of overshot us by a week and a half.

LONE STARR (laughs) Okay, let's set a course for Druidia.

BARF Settin' a course for (Eagle 5 starts shaking) Drui, ie, ie, ie.

LONE STARR What's that?

BARF I don't know. I don't know. We're losing power. Why? 'Cause

we're outta gas.

LONE STARR We must've burned it up in hyperactive.

BARF I told you we should've put more that five bucks worth in.

LONE STARR Okay, we'll have to set her down. Prepare for emergency

landing. Quick, give me a reading.

BARF (prays) How, oh Father, be in heaven. Thou will be Thy name, by

kingdom come....

LONE STARR Will you stop that? (in microphone) Keep your seat belts

fastened back there. You okay, princess.

VESPA No, you idiot. Where'd you learn how to fly.

LONE STARR Okay, Eagle 5, coming in.

MOON OF VEGA - EXT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY Eagle 5 starts coming

down on the sands of Vega. INT. EAGLE 5 - DESERT - DAY BARF is

panicing.

BARF Ahh. Left, right, I mean right. Pull up, pull up.

They crash on a sand dune.

VESPA gets up.

DOT Where you going?

VESPA I'm going to tell him off once and for all.

DOT Wwwwwwwait. We'll need him to get us outta here.

LONE STARR Called me an idiot? I'm going back there and explain a

few things to her.

DOT Besides, he's gotta a sexy voice. He might be cute.

BARF Yeah, but, you don't know what she looks like.

LONE STARR I know what she looks like. If you've seen one princess,

you've seen 'em all.

VESPA Cute? I know these space bums. They're all alike. Fat,

ugly....

LONE STARR Bucked-toothed, knocked-knees....

VESPA ....bear-swilling, pigs.

LONE STARR ....horse-faced, space dogs. (gets up and goes to the

back)

BARF Yeah, well, I normally I'd, (gets up with seat belt still on)

ow, that's gonna leave a mark.

VESPA Now listen you....

LONE STARR You listen. On this ship, you're to refer to me as idiot

not you captain. I mean, you know what I mean.

VESPA And you will not call me you. You will never address me as

you. You will call me your royal highness.

LONE STARR You are royal pain in the....

BARF Whoa, hold it, time.

LONE STARR & VESPA What?

BARF May I make a small suggestion? Any minute now, Spaceballs is

gonna make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead.

LONE STARR He's right. Let's go.

VESPA Wait. My things.

LONE STARR Listen, you royal....

VESPA Mmmm.

LONE STARR ....highness. Take only what need to survive.

BARF Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

DESERT - DAY VESPA is walking down with an umbrella. DOT is

following her with a cart. LONE STARR and BARF are following with a

trunk.

DOT Please, slow down. I'm getting sand up my gears.

BARF Gees. I hope she didn't forget anything.

LONE STARR All right, wait a minute, Barf, put it down. What the

hell's in this thing. LONE STARR opens the trunk and pulls out a

huge hair dryer.

LONE STARR What's this? I said take only what you need to survive.

VESPA It's my industrial strength hair dryer, and I can't live

without it.

LONE STARR Okay, princess. That's it. The fairy-tale is over.

Welcome to real-life. You want this hot-air machine, you carry it.

(drops it in the sand)

VESPA You pick that up.

LONE STARR You pick that up.

VESPA How dare you, you insolent peasant. Nobody talks to me that

way. Nobody. Nobody. (echoes)

LONE STARR Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her.

BARF Oooooo.

LONE STARR Those flashy eyes. Those flushy cheeks. Those trembling

lips. You know something princess, you are ugly when you're angry.

DOT Uh-oh.

VESPA That's it. You and your dog are f....

BARF Please, please. Total humans, droids, if I may. It's going to

be very dark soon, so I suggest we find a place to camp for the

night.

DOT Come darling.

DOT and VESPA walk away pulling some luggage. LONE STARR and BARF

walk off with the trunk. They leave the hair dryer behind. LONE

STARR See, it's lighter.

BARF Oh yeah. This is best. I could carry two of three of these.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE HELMET, SANDURZ, and CORPORAL are watching

the radar.

HELMET (mask down) Have you found them yet?

CORPORAL No, Lord Helmet. They're still not on the scanners.

HELMET Well, keep looking for them. (drinks coffee through his mask)

SANDURZ Pardon me, sir. I have an idea. Corporal, get me the video

cassette of Spaceballs-the Movie.

CORPORAL Yes, sir.

CORPORAL walks to a wall labeled, "Mr. Rental." The wall

opens. He looks through the selections.

HELMET Colonel Sandurz, may I speak with you, please?

SANDURZ Yes, sir.

HELMET (lifts up mask) How could there be a cassette of Spaceballs-

the Movie. We're still in the middle of making it.

SANDURZ That's true, sir, but there's been a new breakthrough in

home-video marketing.

HELMET There has?

SANDURZ Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the

movie is finished.

HELMET Naaaaa.

CORPORAL Here it is, sir. Spaceballs.

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