Spaceballs Page #3

LONE STARR We get the idea. Where was she last seen.

ROLAND She was just passing Jupiter 2.

LONE STARR We'll find her.

ROLAND Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try

to save the car. (disappears off T.V.)

BARF One million spacebucks. We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hut.

LONE STARR Gimmie paw.

BOTH (hawl like a dog) Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Spaceball 1 fires their magnetic beam at

Vespa's car.

VESPA What's happening? What's that glow? We're not moving.

DOT Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE

LONE STARR Look, there's our princess. She's got company.

BARF Oh, no, Spaceballs. And they've already got her in their

magnetic beam. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just

throw her in reverse, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the

reverse switch)

LONE STARR (stops him) Barf. No. Bad.

BARF Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess?

I know we need the money...

LONE STARR Listen. We're not just doing this for money. We're doing

it for a sh*t load of money!

BARF Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you,

you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move

in there, they're spot us on their radar.

LONE STARR Uh-uh.

BARF Uh-huh.

LONE STARR Uh-uh.

BARF Uh-huh.

LONE STARR Uh-uh, not if we jam it.

BARF Ah, ha! You're right.

LONE STARR Down scope.

BARF Down scope.

The scope comes down. BARF looks through the scope and focuses on

the radar.

BARF Radar, about to be jammed.

Jam comes flying and crashes the radar.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE The radar is screwing up. The RADAR

TECHNICIAN is trying to figure out the problem.

RADAR TECH. (he is making the sound effects) Sh*t. (makes more sound

effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)

SANDURZ What is it?

RADAR TECH. (O.S.) (in microphone) Can I talk to for a minute,

please, sir.

SANDURZ & HELMET (walk over to him)

SANDURZ Well.

RADAR TECH. (in microphone) I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

SANDURZ You don't need that, Private, we're right here. (hangs up

microphone) Now, what is it?

RADAR TECH. (in microphone voice) I'm having trouble with radar,

sir.

HELMET (rips out the microphone-mask up) Now, what is it?

RADAR TECH. I'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

HELMET What's wrong with it?

RADAR TECH. I've lost the bleeps, I've the lost the sweeps, and I've

lost the creeps.

HELMET The what?

SANDURZ The what?

HELMET And the what?

RADAR TECH. You know. The bleeps, (makes bleeps sounds) the sweeps,

(makes sweeps sounds) and the creeps. (makes creeps sounds)

HELMET (to Sandurz) That's not he's lost.

RADAR TECH. Sir. The radar, sir. It appears to be....

Jam starts dripping down the screen.

RADAR TECH. ....jammed.

HELMET Jammed? (takes a taste of the jam) Raspberry. There's only

one man who would dare give me the raspberry. (pulls down mask) Lone

Starr!

CAMERA hits HELMET. HELMET falls backwards.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE Eagle 5 comes in on top of Vespa's car.

There's a thump on the car.

VESPA What was that?

BARF knocks on the door.

DOT Nevermind that. What was that?

The roof opens revealing BARF smiling.

VESPA & DOT Ah.

BARF Hi.

VESPA Who are you?

BARF Barf.

DOT Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

BARF Na, that's my name. Barf.

VESPA Barf? What are you?

BARF I'm a mog. Half-man, half-dog. I'm my own best friend.

VESPA What do you want?

BARF Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save ya. C'mon ,

we gotta hop up this ladder and get outta here.

DOT Go, hurry, quick, darling, follow the dog.

BARF Mog. I'm a mog.

VESPA Wait. What about my matched luggage?

BARF starts whimpering.

EXT. EAGLE 5 - LADDER - SPACE VESPA is climbing up, followed by DOT,

then BARF with a load of luggage.

DOT Hey. Stop looking up my can.

BARF Sorry.

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR looks back at BARF. BARF still has a

load of luggage on him.

LONE STARR Checking in? What the hell is all that?

BARF (with strap in mouth) It's her royal highness's matched

luggage.

LONE STARR(O.S.) What?

BARF (takes strap out of mouth) Her royal highness's matched

luggage.

LONE STARR Matched luggage, huh? What's she think this is....

BARF hits him with tail.

LONE STARR ....a princess cruise.

BARF Well, she wouldn't go without it.

LONE STARR Oh, yeah? (picks up microphone)

BARF hits him again.

LONE STARR (in microphone) Now hear this, as soon as we get outta

hear, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.

DOT What was that?

VESPA (turns on intercom) Now you hear this, whoever you are, you

will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty

cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.

LONE STARR (in microphone) Listen. On this ship, I don't take

orders, I give 'em. This is my dream boat, sweetheart.

VESPA Sweetheart?

DOT Uh-oh.

VESPA How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the

proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter

of Roland, King of the Druids.

LONE STARROh. That's all we needed, a Drewish princess.

BARF Funny. She doesn't look Drewish.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE Vespa's car is coming through the floor.

SANDURZ and HELMET come in.

HELMET (mask down) Now, we will show her who is in charge of this

galaxy. GUARD c*cks weapon.

HELMET Hold it. I'll handle this personally.

GUARD Ya-ho, Lord Helmet.

HELMET (looks at him) So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could

outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball. Well, you were

wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until

such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet to

ours.

HELMET opens the door and looks inside. He lifts his mask up.

HELMET (mask up) She's not in there.

ALL drop guns and cover their crouch.

VOICE (O.S.) Radar repaired, sir. We're picking up the outline of a

Winnebago.

HELMET Winnebago? Lone Starr. Lone Starr!

HELMET bangs on the car. The door falls on him, pushing him inside.

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE Spaceball 1 is coming on the radar.

LONE STARR Uh-oh. Here comes the the bad year blimp.

BARF We'd better get outta here in a hurry.

LONE STARR Switch to secret hyperjets.

BARF Switching to secret hyperjets.

LONE STARR (in microphone) Buckle up back there, we're going into

hyperactive.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE HELMET and SANDURZ are standing in front.

EAGLE 5 is in front of them.

SANDURZ We're closing in on them, sir. In less than minute, Lone

Starr will be ours.

HELMET (mask down) Good. Prepare to attack.

SANDURZ Prepare to attack.

HELMET On the count of three. One, two....

Eagle 5 takes off into hyperactive.

HELMET Wait. (lifts up mask) What happened? Where are they?

SANDURZ I don't know, sir. They must have hyperjets on that thing.

HELMET And what have we got on this thing a quezinart.

SANDURZ No, sir.

HELMET Well, find them catch them.

SANDURZ Yes, sir. (over loudspeaker) Prepare ship

for light speed.

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