Spaceballs Page #2

BARF & LONE STARR Pizza the Hut.

PIZZA THE HUT is half man, half pizza.

PIZZA Well, if it isn't Lone Starr, and his side kick, Puke.

BARF That's Barf.

PIZZA Barf, Puke, whatever. Where's my money?

LONE STARR Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.

PIZZA No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.

LONE STARR A hundred thousand spacebucks, by tomorrow?

PIZZA A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late

charges, which brings it up to, um, one million spacebucks.

LONE STARR A million? That's unfair.

PIZZA Unfair to pay all, but enough to pay eee, but you gonna pay

it, or else.

BARF Or else what?

PIZZA Tell 'em, Vinnie.

VINNIE Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.

VINNIE & PIZZA (laughs)

VINNIE takes a lick off of Pizza.

VINNIE Mmmm. You're delicious.

PIZZA Chow, boys.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA is listening to music in headphones.

DOT Can we talk? Okay, we all know Prince Valium is pilled, but you

could've married him for your father's sake, and have a headache for

the next 25 years.

VESPA can't hear her.

DOT Will you turn that thing off.

VESPA What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?

DOT I was saying, do realize what you've done.

VESPA Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the

headphones back on)

DOT I wonder if she's glad.

SPACEBALL CITY - INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB is

talking to someone on the phone.

SKROOB Don't be ridiculous. As president of Planet Spaceball, I can

assure both you and your viewers, that there is absolutely no air

shortage whatsoever. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor

myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye.

(hangs up phone) Shithead.

He opens a desk drawer. It has a lot of cans in it. He takes one and

opens it. The can says, "Perrier Salt-Free Air." He starts

breathing the air.

COMMANDERETTE (appears on the wall) President Skroob.

SKROOB (throws can behind him and closes the drawer) Yes.

COMMANDERETTE This is Central Control, Spaceball Commanderette

Zarican speaking, sir.

SKROOB Yes, what is it Commanderette?

COMMANDERETTE Lord Helmet has informed us that Princess Vespa is in

sight, and Spaceball 1 is closing in on her.

SKROOB Good, good.

COMMANDERETTE We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if

you wish to observe.

SKROOB I'll be down immediately.

COMMANDERETTE Shall I have Snotty beam you down? SKROOB I don't

about that beaming stuff. Is it safe?

COMMANDERETTE Oh yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. It was

wonderful.

SKROOB All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on

Star Trek. (steps into the beaming pod)

COMMANDERETTE Snotty, beam him down.

SNOTTY (O.S.) Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.

SKROOB beams out of his office.

INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT SKROOB reappears. His head is on

backwards.

VOICE(O.S.) Gees feesetes, what's happened to his head?

COMMANDERETTE It's on backwards.

SKROOB This is terrible. Do something.

SNOTTY I'm sorry, sir. There must have been a microconverter

malfunction.

SKROOB (lifts up the tail on his suit) Why didn't somebody tell me

ass was so big.

Everyone else looks and snickers.

SNOTTY Hold on, sir. We'll try and reverse the beam. Could be the

interlocking system.

SKROOB scratches his leg.

SNOTTY (flipping switches) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Lock lone.

SKROOB beams out.

INT. PRESIDENT SKROOB'S OFFICE - NIGHT SKROOB reappears, back to

normal. COMMANDERETTE appears on the wall.

COMMANDERETTE Are you all right, Mr. President.

SKROOB Fine, fine, no thanks to you.

COMMANDERETTE We'll beam you back, sir.

SKROOB Forget it. Forget it. No more beaming. This time I'm gonna

walk. (walks through the door)

INT. CENTRAL CONTROL - NIGHT

COMMANDERETTE President Skroob, Salute.

ALL (salute) Hail Skroob!

SKROOB salutes.

CHARLENE & MARLENE Hello, President Skroob.

SKROOB Oh, uh. Hello, Charlene.

MARLENE I'm Marlene.

SKROOB Hello, Marlene.

CHARLENE I'm Charlene.

SKROOB Chew your gum. Where's the Princess.

COMMANDERETTE Right there, sir. On the left side of the screen of

the screen, approaching Spaceball 1, at fifteen hundred light

leagues per minute.

SKROOB Good, good. She almost in our grasp. Tell Dark Helmet he must

take the Princess alive.

EXT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE In front of Spaceball 1 is Vespa's car.

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE SANDURZ and HELMET are standing in the

front.

SANDURZ Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.

HELMET (mask down) Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.

Guns start firing.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - SPACE VESPA takes off the headphones. The car is

shaking.

VESPA What's going on?

DOT It either the 4th of July, or someone trying to kill us.

VESPA Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm rich. (picks up

phone)

DOT What you doing?

VESPA I'm calling my father. 1-800-DRUIDIA. (dials the phone)

INT. SPACEBALL 1 - SPACE

HELMET (lifts up mask) Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose,

not up it.

GUNNER (lifts up eye guard) Sorry, sir. (he is cross-eyed) Doing my

best.

HELMET Who made that man a gunner?

MAJOR I did, sir. He's my cousin. (he is cross-eyed, too)

HELMET Who is he?

SANDURZ He's an A**hole, sir.

HELMET I know that. What's his name?

SANDURZ That is his name, sir. A**hole, Major A**hole.

HELMET And his cousin?

SANDURZ He's an A**hole, too, sir. Gunner's-mate, 1st Class, Philip

A**hole.

HELMET How many A**holes we got on this ship, anyhow?

All, but few, stand up.

ALL Yo!

HELMET I knew it. I'm surrounded by A**holes. (pulls down mask) Keep

firing, A**holes.

INT. VESPA'S CAR - CAR VESPA is on the phone.

VESPA Hurry, Daddy, hurry. They're laser blasts all around us. I'm

so scared.

EXT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE

ROLAND'S VOICE King Roland to Lone Starr. King Roland to Lone Starr.

Are you there?

INT. EAGLE 5 - SPACE LONE STARR and BARF are talking to ROLAND on

the phone.

ROLAND Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter.

She's being attacked by Spaceballs.

LONE STARR Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm

already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

BARF Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it.

It's just we got this thing about them. It's not us.

ROLAND Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save her. I'll

give anything. Did you her me? Anything.

BARF Anything?

ROLAND Yes! Anything!

LONE STARR Okay, we'll do it for a million.

ROLAND A million?

BARF Whoa, you startin' to fade here. We're losing picture, your

highness.

ROLAND All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find her, save her.

LONE STARR All right, King, you just made a deal.

BARF One princess for one million spacebucks.

LONE STARR What's she drivin'?

ROLAND A brand new, white Mercedes, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. Moon

roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid

cash. My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley. He

was very nice to me.

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