Spaceman

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1

It started out as just another

day of living the dream.

In Montreal, I had

become a fan favorite.

They would shower me with tiny

foil balls of hash in the bullpen

and lower down little

bottles of Tequila.

A record take of 67 bottles

in two months one season.

And the good stuff, too.

I loved the life of getting paid to

play the greatest game on earth.

Sometimes I thought

to myself that maybe

I'd even do it for free.

Bill Lee takes the ball today.

Good-looking kid out of

Southern California.

He's very quotable.

You know, his teammates have started

calling him "the spaceman."

Lee is really on top

of his game these days.

Well, he's certainly

not afraid to speak his mind.

He referred to Red Sox manager

don Zimmer as "the gerbil."

He may not know how

to keep his mouth shut,

but he plays the game

the right way.

Handles a bat well, too.

Looks like he finally wore

out his welcome in Boston.

Bill Lee has to be considered

one of the top lefties

of all of baseball.

The spaceman

just keeps on competing

and has put together a fine

season for the Montreal expos.

Left to center?

Yeah, I guess so.

He's actually a little bit

left of Che Guevara.

Once again,

bill Lee works out of a jam.

You can't help but feel he's always

one step ahead of the hitter.

Well, there's only one spaceman.

Stop. Stop.

Bill Lee. Present and accounted

for, drill sergeant.

Uh-uh. This gate don't open

till one hour before game time.

That's like, um,

five minutes from now.

Eh. You can go in through

gate a or gate d.

Just not this one, gate c, huh?

When the hell did

they make that rule?

Look, I can come in,

I'm on the team.

Yes.

In, uh, four minutes.

Okay.

Let's start over.

I don't think that

we've officially met.

My name's Lee.

I swore to you I'm on

the team, all right?

I'm a pitcher. Left-handed pitcher.

Lanceur.

I won 17 games three years in a row.

I can come in.

Of course.

Bill Lee!

Sorry about that...

Ah, it's okay.

You just don't look Chinese. No.

No, I sure don't.

You gonna let me in?

Three minutes.

Thank you!

Merci Beaucoup.

Hey, stop, huh?

Bye-bye.

Somebody stop him!

Heard you shut down the

cul-de-sac again last night.

Yeah, I was tucked in

by midnight.

You know, you guys are like the

gestapo with your spies around town.

Losing five straight

this early on will do that.

People start to panic.

What?

Ace from space!

You throwing today?

I hope so. Hey, how's

your wife doing?

I think they found

what they were looking for.

And thank you for the Jersey.

My son went crazy over it.

Thank you! He brought it

to school, everything.

Thanks.

Good luck tonight.

You know, we won the

damn division last year.

How about some Patience? Like,

give us some time to gel.

Not sure Patience is a

high priority right now.

Everyone's on edge.

Yeah, well, they should be.

We're facing Fernando tonight.

You hear anything about a

drug problem on this team?

Why do you guys always come asking

me for these kinds of things?

Gee, I don't know. Maybe

because you are on the cover

of high times magazine.

Yeah, I know.

Did you actually say you sprinkle

marijuana on your oatmeal?

No, I said pancakes, okay?

It makes me impervious to bus

fumes when I run to the ballpark.

Big difference.

You know, you should try it sometime.

It helps with anxiety.

What are you guys doing here?

Huh, careful! This might turn into a

drinking town with a baseball problem.

What is it now?

A hockey town with

a drinking problem.

Bill, what do you think of the rumored

"drug problem" in this clubhouse?

Don't answer that.

Pretty please.

Well, there, uh,

definitely is

a drug problem here.

Whitman hasn't been able to score

anything good since spring training

and he's starting

to get the shakes.

Hey, bill, how do you think losing your

pal Rodney Scott's gonna affect the team?

Yeah bill, you gonna take a stand for

Rodney like you did for Bernie in Boston?

Cool breeze!

What the hell happened, man?

I just got goddamn dropped.

When?

Just now.

Are you freaking kidding me?

If I'm lying' I'm dying.

You're one of our MVPS

god damn it.

Where's Fulton?

I'm done as a dog here, man.

I have no idea

what I'm gonna do now.

Hey, don't you worry, I'm gonna

go talk to Fulton right now.

Bill.

There ain't no use in getting

yourself all caught up in this mess.

I got it.

All right, take it easy, bill.

I'm so freakin' outta here.

Guys!

This injustice can

no longer be tolerated!

Now, who's with me?

Uh, I'm with you.

Come on.

Who's with me?

Pussies.

Hey, bill.

Fine, I'm going.

Would you calm down, please?

Crazy ass-cracker.

Bill! Hold on.

Bill...

What you gonna say to him?

Tommy. Tommy!

F***ing chickenshit.

What're you... Hold

on, hold on, hold on.

"This is bullshit.

"I'll be at brasserie 77.

"If you need me,

come and get me."

All right, Rodney.

Let's go. Let's get out of here.

Hey, bill...

- Bill.

- What?

Hold on for a second now, bill.

Now look, the thing is I gotta

finish packing up my things

and they're supposed to bring out

the cold cuts any minute now.

So I'll catch up

with you, all right?

The cold cuts?

You're gonna stick

around for the...

I love charcuterie. Just go.

Go. Okay. Okay.

Well, I'll meet you...

I'll see you there.

So here's Ron Cey to lead off

the top half of the sixth.

Bob James now on in relief.

Oh!

Next!

Wow, you are unbelievable.

You know that?

Yeah, yeah. Just payment.

You're a thief.

Come on, you got to

pitch around this guy!

Sandy, can I get

another one, please?

Do you mind turning on

the baseball game for me?

Sorry, hockey's on.

Might wanna slow down a little.

You're drinking those like water.

I never drink water this fast.

Hey, bill. Would you

like a shot of whiskey?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

No, thank you.

In fact, I think I'm gonna head

back over to the ball park.

Looks like they might

be needing me soon.

Doesn't look like

Rodney's showing up.

You're four deep. You

sure you wanna go pitch?

That's actually five.

And yeah, I'll be fine.

You might want to turn on

that baseball game.

You're about to witness

something special.

Well, good luck.

- He's there. He's got it.

- And that will end the inning.

Look, I was ready to pitch!

I could've held them and we

would've won the damn ballgame.

How am I supposed to help this team

when you don't f***ing use me?

We are 20 plus games

into the season,

and I've pitched,

what, 12 innings.

Are you completely

f***ing crazy, Lee?

I might be a little bit

crazy, yeah.

Do you honestly think I would put

you into a major league ball game

after you've been at a bar drinking?

Oh...

You were lit!

I wasn't lit.

I had five beers... Five beers,

seven beers, ten beers...

I'd beat catfish

after having seven.

Okay?

You don't think that

we drink and smoke

all goddamn game long

in the bullpen anyway?

That's not the point!

The point is

you abandoned your team!

You're a deserter.

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