Spare Me

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FADE IN:

1 BLACK 1

The screen is black. Thunder rumbles.

THEO (VO)

When you hear thunder...

A black bowling ball pulls away from the lens. The ball is in

the hands of THEO SKINNER, an intense, handsome 28 year old

man with sideburns dressed in worn bowling attire.

THEO (VO)

...God is bowling.

He holds the ball in front of him, wristbrace on, his face a

study in concentration.

CUT TO:

CREDITS:

CUT TO:

2 EXT. BRIDGE - DAY 2

An empty causeway spans a bay somewhere along the south shore

of Long Island. The sky is overcast. SHEILA, a woman in her

late twenties, wearing a full length heliotrope pleather coat

over a waitress outfit, kneels in the middle of the road. A

souped-up Vespa motor scooter stands nearby.

KEN AND BARBIE:

Sheila holds a Bridal Barbie and Ken doll set. She sets them

down on the road, pulls out a can of lighter fluid and soaks

the dolls. She pulls out a bowling pin-shaped lighter and

torches the nuptial tableau.

3 INT. THEO'S CAR 3

Theo drives his ratty old American car along a highway. The

car has Ohio plates. He sucks coffee from a 7-Eleven "Big-

Swig" cup and examines a map. A yellow plastic "Bowler on

Board" sign is stuck to a side window. Theo's music PLAYS.

His eyes nod off, then snap awake.

4 NIGHTMARE4

The screen is black, except for three circles in the middle

of the screen. The light shining through them is snuffed out

by three large pink objects. There is a loud POP, like a

thumb being pulled out of a tight hole.

BOWLING BALL:

A slow motion low tracking shot of a

bowling ball hitting a polished lane.

BOWLING PINS:

Close-up of the milky white surface of

two bowling pins on opposite sides of the

lane - a seven-ten split. The RUMBLING

ball is heard in the distance like a

furious hulking steamroller of doom. The

pins begin to tremble, and then transform

into a Bridal Ken and Barbie. The dolls

burst into flame.

BALL:

The ball blasts past the camera and

metamorphoses into Theo's car.

RAPID DISSOLVE TO:

5 EXT. BRIDGE 5

Theo's sedan blasts past the camera down the empty road.

BURNING DOLLS:

The flaming couple stand in the middle of

the bridge. Theo's car hits the pair and

they fly into the air in slow-motion. A

distant SOUND of pins scattering is

heard. The two dolls smoke as they spin

into the sky, then hit the water with

dual HISSES.

DISSOLVE TO:

6 PIN RESET MACHINERY 6

An American Machine and Foundry pin reset machine performs

its functions like a mechanical ballet as the camera follows

a bowling ball through its journey. The "Spare Me!" theme

MUSIC (similar to "Balboa Blue" by the Marketts) swells.

TITLE:
SPARE ME! appears on the bowling ball. Pins tumble

across the back plate, are loaded into the pin conveyor,

lifted up to the crown feeder, distributed into the rotating

carousel, and then set down in perfect formation upon the

polished bowling alley.

BURN-IN PRINCIPAL PLAYER TITLES. Titles appear on the pins.

The ball trundles along the return trough straight into the

lens.

BLACK:

7 INT. 7-ELEVEN - DAY 7

A muzak cover of 'Broke, Busted, and Disgusted' PLAYS in the

background as Theo gingerly pulls a hot taco out of the

microwave oven. ALFIE, the rickety old man who runs the

store, shuffles up to the self-serve island and begins wiping

it down. Theo pokes at the taco with a spork as steam rises.

He pulls a disgusted grimace. Alfie pours himself a cup of

coffee and then attempts to open a tiny container of half &

half. Because his hands are shaking so much, the cream goes

everywhere but into the coffee.

ALFIE:

I'm an addict. I can't go through a day

without the stuff. Theo reaches over and

pours for him with a steady hand.

ALFIE:

You're not from around here, are you?

THEO:

I'm from Akron.

Alfie looks at Theo's bowling shoe attired feet.

ALFIE:

You a bowler?

Theo's hand starts shaking uncontrollably. He puts down the

cream.

THEO:

I'm looking for a man.

ALFIE:

What kind of man?

THEO:

A bowler.

Alfie presses a matchbook into Theo's hand and then trundles

off. Theo looks down at the matchbook; it reads "Bowl for

health, enjoy yourself. Babylon Lanes."

8 EXT. BABYLON LANES - TWILIGHT 8

Theo pulls into the empty parking lot of Babylon Lanes beside

a cheap looking American sedan.

9 INT. BABYLON LANES 9

Theo walks into an empty run-down forty lane bowling alley

carrying his ball bag. It is dark. The fluorescent lights

switch on and the pin re-set machines whirr into action. SID

and BREEZE, two shady looking guys in a basement-sale suits

walk up lane dividers towards Theo.

SID:

Lane's closed big fellah, league night.

THEO:

I'm not here to bowl.

SID:

(gesturing to Theo's bag)

You drag that coconut around for your

health, or do you know how to use it?

THEO:

(bristling at the challenge)

I'm looking for somebody.

BREEZE:

Hey, ain't I seen you on the tour?

SID:

No, pinhead, he ain't here to bowl.

THEO:

I'm looking for Buzz Fazeli.

Sid and Breeze look sideways at each other.

BREEZE:

Fazeli...I don't know no Buzz Fazeli.

SID:

What do you want with old man Faz?

THEO:

Some unfinished business.

SID:

If you wanna do business in this town,

there's other people around here got more

weight than old Faz.

A lady dwarf walks by.

DWARF:

Evening Sid, evening Breeze.

SID:

Evening Tina.

BREEZE:

Good luck tonight Tina.

Tina opens a door and goes down some stairs.

THEO:

You guys got something going on

downstairs?

SID:

We provide some extracurricular

activities for the senior citizens in the

community.

THEO:

Basement bingo?

Breeze sniggers into his hand

SID:

(smirks)

Yeah, basement bingo.

BREEZE:

Lemme see your ball.

Breeze grabs Theo's bag.

THEO:

Let go of my bag.

Sid sidles around behind Theo who tries to keep him in sight.

BREEZE:

Ah, come on, lemme see your ball.

SID:

You afraid we're gonna steal it?

Breeze unzips the bag and pulls the ball out. Theo's temper

is rising, he breathes deeply. He is obviously making a

Herculean effort to keep himself in check.

THEO:

I said, let go of my bag.

With lightning speed Theo's hand shoots out and grabs the

middle fingers on Sid's right hand. Sid howls in agony.

SID:

Aagh! Stop! Those are my bowling fingers!

THEO:

Tell your little pal to let go.

SID:

Breeze, give him his ball back!

Breeze, astonished, drops Theo's ball into the bag. Sid

cringes in front of Theo.

THEO:

Where can I find Buzz Fazeli?

BREEZE:

Whoa, cool your maples. Over the bridge,

past the Peter Pan, last house on the

dead end. Theo releases Sid's hand. Sid

drops to his knees and cradles his

damaged hand.

BREEZE:

Haven't seen a ball like that since '69.

THEO:

It belonged to my dad.

Theo turns and walks out.

10 EXT. WOODS - NIGHT 10

JUNIOR, a dumpy man in his late thirties with a rat tail, bad

skin and wearing a white straitjacket and fluorescent orange

pants, runs desperately through dark woods. Bloodhounds BARK

in the distance.

11 EXT. ROAD - NIGHT 11

Theo drives over the draw-bridge and past the Peter Pan Diner

with its huge neon sign.

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