Speech & Debate Page #5

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[judge]

Up next is contestant 89,

speaking for the opposition.

But we're supposed to deliver

our prepared topics, aren't we?

Right. You can speak

in agreement in round two.

For now, you need

to argue the opposition.

Um...

Okay.

My opposition would be...

that short people...

are in fact...

less intelligent

than their taller counterparts.

The speaker's weak thesis

was supported

by citing countless

well-known,

successful short people,

but where is the science?

If we're not using facts,

then I could similarly surmise

that being short

does in fact make you stupid,

because you can't see as much

as taller people,

and you don't have

as big a brain cavity.

Using the speaker's logic,

I'd argue that being short

has a lot to do

with how doomed you are in life.

Contestant 89,

you were supposed

to argue the opposition

to your own prepared topic.

Welcome to a tale of witchcraft,

where Puritan Mary Warren

stands before the courtroom

unsure of whether

or not telling the truth

will set her free,

or set her on fire.

So get ready.

And if you feel flames,

don't pull the fire alarm.

Things are just

really heating up in...

[audience murmuring]

The Crucible, by Arthur Miller.

Why are you concealing?

Have you sold yourself

to Lucifer?

[nervously]

I'm a good girl. I...

Tituba made me do it!

She makes me drink blood!

Blood? My baby's blood?

No. No, chicken blood.

I give she chicken blood.

[audience gasping and murmuring]

[speaking very quickly] Clearly

society can have too much justice...

is human dignity. People as diverse

as Martin Luther King, Jr...

Malcolm X, Susan B. Anthony were willing

to risk themselves for this concept,

And that's why freedom

of speech isn't free at all.

Contestant 43,

you have three minutes

for your rebuttal.

- Congratulations.

- [announcer] A job well done,

all those competitors

who have advanced.

Please proceed

to your next round.

For those who did not advance,

the cafeteria is available

for a short time

and accepts all

major credit cards.

Finally, congratulations

to the Holy Ghost Academy...

Hey, is that you, man?

I heard what you did

on your PS-Opp.

Can we get a picture?

[announcer] Thanks to

everyone participating

in the 55th annual Portland...

Thanks, man.

What was that?

It's nothing.

I made a mistake.

Can we go now?

[girl]

That is the kid...

I can't believe

I cared about this.

This is so stupid.

- Holy...

- Ghost!

- Holy...

- Ghost!

- Holy...

- Ghost!

- Holy...

- Ghost!

- Holy...

- Ghost!

Well... we can't just

go home now, can we?

- Holy...

- Ghost!

- Holy...

- Ghost!

Come on.

[Solomon] My parents are going to

kill me if I'm not home in time.

Chill out. It's happy hour,

and you don't look happy.

Get your fakes out.

My fake what?

No. We have to go home now.

Let's just vote on it.

[dance music playing]

I love how hot I am in gay bars.

[Howie chuckles]

Give him a second.

- You going? Okay.

- Yeah. You good?

Yeah.

Your friend looks

pretty miserable over there.

It's been a long day.

Any suggestions?

They tell me not to write

about the mayor, I don't.

I don't write about

you and Healy, either.

I give in to everyone,

and where does it get me?

Who told you about me and Healy?

I should still write

an article on it.

I might.

It's news, real news.

He shouldn't be allowed

to teach at our school,

and you...

You don't know

anything about what happened.

I can guess,

but I know it's pretty gross,

and illegal.

First of all, I'm 18,

which means I'm an adult,

so I can talk to

whoever I want, okay?

You look like

you could use a drink.

You look like

you could use a shower.

You know, it must be

really sad being you,

obsessed with

everyone else's life,

but not having one of your own.

I don't want to be like this.

Then don't.

What?

What was that all about?

The bartender gave me a Molly,

so I gave it to Solomon.

What?

He needs a little pick-me-up.

You're crazy.

[Howie laughing]

I know.

Didn't even get cast as Tituba.

Healy says it was a race thing,

which, in my opinion,

is a totally amateur

point of view, but...

Baby girl,

you're not even black.

How you gonna be Tituba?

Uh, well, hold up, Waleed.

Back it up.

Historically, Tituba

was South American Arawak,

some sh*t like that, so...

Hey, Howie.

Settle this debate for us.

You've read The Crucible, right?

[vomiting]

Oh, my God.

- Really? Really, wonder boy?

- Hey.

Get somebody to clean this up.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm gonna go get the car.

[drunkenly] Ladies, man.

Oh, it's so awesome.

Guess what. I'm a lady's man.

[sighs]

I try to get with girls,

but it's like...

- what's wrong with me?

- Okay, okay, okay, just...

Just calm down, buddy, okay?

I'm not handsome.

No. No, you're handsome.

It's just...

all of your shirts have

alligators on 'em.

It's like you're always

in a costume.

It's like you have

no personality.

All right? Maybe that's why

you have no friends.

Crap! They towed my car!

I was only maybe three feet

into the no parking zone.

Howie, what time

is the last bus home?

[announcer over PA]

Last call for bus 49,

local service to Eugene,

first stop Salem.

- Bus leaving in three minutes.

- [Diwata] It's so slow.

Okay.

[announcer over PA]

All passengers should be aboard

for bus 49,

local service to Eugene,

- first stop Salem.

- Thank you.

Bus leaves in three minutes.

Yes. Yes, it's all right.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Ma'am, hi. So sorry.

This is the last bus

to Salem, right?

- [bus operator] It sure is.

- Oh, thank God.

[sighs in relief] Okay, we

would love three tickets.

- [panting]

- Mmhmm.

Uh... Oh!

Wait. Where's Solomon?

[Howie] Is that him right...

- [Diwata] Oh, my God.

- [Howie] Solomon! Solomon!

[Howie]

Solomon, what are you doing?

- I hate my clothes.

- [Diwata] Solomon!

What the hell are you doing?

We're gonna miss the bus!

Why do you hate me?

We could talk about this

when we're on the bus, okay?

- Can we...

- Get him out! Oh, God.

[Solomon grunting]

Solomon, just,

just give me your hand, okay?

- Stop it!

- Oh!

Guys, come on. You guys...

Where's my phone? Oh, no.

Sorry.

I thought you'd be

more fun on drugs.

Guys, I promise,

once we get on that bus,

we're gonna have

a good laugh about all this.

Drugs?

You gave me drugs?

I thought this is

what being drunk was like.

Hi. We'd like your finest suite

near the Jacuzzi, please.

Okay, come on.

Go right... right there.

There you go.

[sighs]

Oh, my gosh.

Why does my head feel so heavy?

Can you feel my head, please?

Feel it.

[Diwata and Howie giggling]

[groaning]

Let me get you some water.

You're gonna be okay.

Let me just...

I can't believe

you gave me drugs.

What kind of drug is this?

When is it gonna be over?

Okay, Solomon, I just texted

your mom so she won't worry.

[phone beeps]

This is not our son.

Call Marie.

I can't believe all this stuff

is included with the room.

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