Speech & Debate Page #6

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Howie, free hot cocoa mix.

It's free.

Here you go. Drink that.

- Is my head the same size as yours?

- [phone vibrating]

Crap.

Hi, Mom.

Find out what to believe.

His parents are already

here at work.

Well, you stay put, okay?

Okay. Goodbye.

They're in a hotel in Portland.

They're safe.

I just don't see why we need

to rush there right now.

They're gonna be home

first thing in the morning.

Okay, it's all right.

I can go pick them up.

I'll see if I can

take off from work.

I have to drive

Diwata's car home anyway.

I knew it.

I warned you this would happen if

we put him in a public school,

didn't I?

I'll see you in the morning.

What you thinking about, Howie?

I'm thinking about

all the hot guys

you promised I was gonna meet

at the competition.

What are you

thinking about, Solomon?

Abraham Lincoln.

When I was a kid,

I got second place

in the national

"Write and illustrate

your own book" contest.

I wrote my book on him.

On Abraham Lincoln?

[sighs]

As a teenager.

I have such a deep respect

for Abraham Lincoln.

Okay, when I was in fifth grade

I entered that competition,

and it wasn't national.

It was just

three school districts.

Okay, that's enough.

We're going to the Jacuzzi.

- It's a pool.

- It's water.

Howie, I've got a plan.

For our next tournament,

we need to do

Group Interpretation.

No, I'm done

with Speech and Debate.

Group Interpretation

is what we should have done.

Next time, we'll compete

together with our own material.

We're weaker on our own,

but together...

I'm quitting, too.

Guys, don't get a bad attitude

because we lost once. Watch.

Want some?

Oh, no, not if there's

alcohol in it.

Well, it's not

non-alcoholic wine, Diwata.

I shouldn't then. I...

Until I'm into

a good BFA program,

I need to protect

my singing voice, you know?

Yeah, alcohol

dries out the chords.

You know...

someone who looks

a lot like you,

was checking out

the family planning center,

across from the pizza shop

I work at last week.

And...

I was just too scared to go in.

'Cause I'm not sure I'm...

I did one of those,

like, home tests,

and it was, like,

kind of a line, maybe not.

I can't go to my family doctor,

so I've gotta go back there

to get official results.

Do you have someone

to go with you?

Most of my friends are older,

from theater camp, so...

You know, as long as we figure

out the time-difference issue,

I think there's totally a way

to integrate

teenage Abraham Lincoln

into The Crucible,

my Mary Warren musical.

I told you about it, right?

So you have to tell me

the story when you're sober.

Do not let me forget, okay?

- [door unlocking] - Uh... Hello.

I put the sign on the door.

Mom.

Don't say another word.

You are on very thin ice.

I smell vomit.

[school bell ringing]

Is this a joke?

Nine hundred

and thirty seven dollars.

Hotels, food, expenses.

The entrance fees were,

like, 100 each.

Pool, furniture repair.

Your club was

never even approved.

You don't even have

a faculty Advisor.

I supervise team.

Who the hell are...

Who the hell is she?

I work in cafeteria

for seven years.

Sir, we never intended...

You all have parents

on the school board.

What is wrong with you?

You're lucky that

I don't suspend you all

for fraudulently

representing our school.

You all have two weeks of

detention, and no more clubs.

What about the school newspaper?

You're joking, right?

Journalism relies on morals,

ethics, and honesty.

There is no way that this school

is gonna pay a dime

towards these bills.

I have some money saved up.

Yeah, not enough to cover this.

My mother's broke, Diwata.

It's gonna take me all summer

to even put a dent in this.

If I was running things, we would

have at least followed the rules.

If you were running things, we never

would have made it to Portland.

[crickets chirping]

[Solomon on video] Then I could

similarly surmise that short people...

are stupider than taller people,

because you can't see as much

as taller people,

and they have smaller brain...

[indistinct chatter

and laughter]

[student 1] Hey, you ain't

that tall either, Solomon.

- [phone vibrates] -[student 2] My

brother's tall, and he hates you.

[James and Susan arguing]

[Solomon on video]

speaker's logic,

I'd argue that being short

has a lot to do

with how doomed you are in life.

[James]

Don't burden this on me again.

[judge at debate] You were

supposed to argue the opposition.

- [James] I don't know what you want from me!

- [Susan] What are you talking...

[message sent tone playing]

[baby crying]

[clears throat]

Relax. You look

way too gay to be the father.

Plus I used a fake name.

Diwata Obama?

Is it weird we're celebrating

my false alarm

by giving me a food baby?

- What, too soon?

- Yeah, too soon. Too soon.

You know you're

really lucky, right?

I know.

Especially since

that guy, Mark...

day after we did it, I...

called just to say hey

or whatever, and he was like,

"I never would have slept with

you if I wasn't so wasted,"

so...

So you guys are...

getting married?

[chuckles]

[sarcastically]

Yep. It's a spring wedding.

I have a surprise for you.

[laughs]

How did you get that?

All the entries are

archived at the library.

Yep, he won second place.

Prepare thyself.

"Abraham was just 13 years old,

but he already loved

to read and learn.

One day, he decided to journey

into town to the library

and see what adventures

he could find.

He read a book

about the frontier,

and he built a log cabin.

He read a book about the law,

and he became President."

You didn't think I'd find out?

How did you? They told you?

Of course they told me.

It's my credit card, Diwata.

And I am not busting my ass

nights at the hospital

for you to take my money

and throw it in the street.

Yeah. Well... sorry.

That's not good enough.

You forged a signature

on the entry form.

Oksana works in the building.

No theater camp,

and you're going back to Olive

Garden until this debt is paid off.

I already called them.

He didn't come to school today.

He'll survive.

Remember that show on MTV

where the bully pulls

the nerd's pants down,

but the nerd's, you know,

well endowed,

so he becomes really popular?

Yeah.

- So?

- So this is the opposite of that.

Solomon needs us.

I mean, I always knew you guys

had a big house, but...

whoa.

You could play baseball

out here.

Or do Shakespeare in the yard.

"Deny thy father,

and refuse thy name."

Have fun playing the nurse.

The lights are pretty.

Did your mom put 'em up?

Where is Mom?

She out banning some books?

Burning them?

I think my parents

are breaking up.

I don't even want

to finish school.

Hey, no, no, no, no, no.

Why should I go back?

You even said

I have no personality.

I have no friends.

And now...

I lost my virginity

with my sweatshirt on.

What?

I feel bad. He looks like he's gonna

kill himself, so I'm just saying...

No one knows that.

I was home on my mom's bed.

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