Spent Page #6

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Alka-Seltzer here before too long.

Son, have some pizza.

I'm sorry I could not

wait till you got home.

- Are those new pajamas Herby?

They're very nice.

- They're scrubs, Evelyn.

Scrubs.

The nurse acquired them for me.

- That's my pop.

Always saving a penny.

- That's more than I could say for you

and you.

- What on Earth are you talking about?

- This is what I'm talking

about your outrageous spending

when I was in the hospital dying

from a massive brain tumor.

It took me a long time to figure out

all of those expenditures but I got them.

- I only spent money on

basic household needs.

- [Herbert] Basic household needs, huh.

- Okay, well, maybe one or two extras

but that is no reason to get upset.

I couldn't help myself, Herbert.

I was just feeling so distraught.

The thought of you being in the hospital

and just dying a little more each day was

- Really.

Did the diamond earrings help?

And how about the sports car?

- Pearl.

And the sports car was him.

- Oh, and how about the

professional teeth whitening kit?

- Her.

- And a time share

in Detroit?

- It seemed like a good

investment at the time.

Hey, at least I didn't join

the stamp of the month club.

- Okay, I'll admit it I'm into philately.

But listen, Herb, we are not responsible

for the loss of all of that money.

Sure we spent a little

here and a little there,

but there is no way that we burned through

a half a million dollars in three months.

- Dad.

- No, no, no, no stop it.

Haven't you done enough already?

Harmonica lessons, skeet shooting,

hair waxing

Irish linen boxers,

polarized sunglasses,

golf clubs.

Who in the hell

plays golf in this family?

Lifetime theater tickets

to the Kennedy Center.

- Dad, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'll sell everything.

I'll sell all of it.

- We bought all that?

I had no idea I spent that much.

I truly did think it was

just a little bit here

and a little bit there.

My goodness.

Who knew money could go that fast?

- I worked for that money, Evelyn

I did without, I gave up things.

And now, now look at us.

We are a joke,

a very bad joke.

Evelyn,

last night you called me a miser.

And I'm beginning to

think that you were right.

All my life I was saving

for one thing or the other.

First, it was marriage.

But did I give you the

honeymoon you wanted?

- Herb, I had a perfectly

great tan in Death Valley,

and that was the cleanest

Motel 6 we've ever stayed in.

- And then it was for a baby.

But there too I made you cut

every single possible corner.

Like making you buy those

second-hand cloth diapers.

- What a great conversation starter

that turned out to be at the laundromat.

- I should've bought you a

washing machine and clothes line.

- Don't give it another thought.

I mean Lonnie and I

have very fond memories

of looking for quarters

and dimes in the sofa.

- And now it looks like our

golden years are gone too.

If only some good

could've come from my money.

(Herbert groaning)

Something meaningful, you know.

(soft piano music)

Son, don't let that pizza go to waste.

Son, go get your father a cool wash cloth

and some ginger tea.

Party's over

It's time to call it a day

They've burst your pretty balloon

And taken the moon away

I do hope the good Lord can forgive me.

(fireworks popping)

(soft piano music)

(fireworks popping)

- Speaking of forgiving

Herbert, there's something

I have to tell you.

I had

I had an illicit,

immoral,

passionate affair

but only once.

(Herbert groaning)

- [Herbert] How much did that cost?

(soft piano music)

- Everything.

- Ice cold root beer

on such a beautiful day

now that's what I'm talking about.

Hey, listen I heard

about your grandmother.

I just wanted to let

you know that I'm sorry.

Real sorry.

- It's okay.

She got one last 4th of July.

She said it would feel like a miracle

if she could see the

fireworks one more time

with her cataracts and all and she did.

- Hey, is your sister working?

Don't you go anywhere.

I'm gonna be right back for one of these.

- [Customer] Here you go.

(soft music)

- Well, wonders never cease.

- Come on, Sarah.

- Oh, don't you come on Sarah me.

You said you'd come back to

see Annie and it came and went.

to bad reviews I might add and no Lonnie.

- That's not fair we

both had a lot going on.

- I know.

I was really sorry to hear

about your mother and father.

Do they know what happened?

They said there was a rash of it going on.

Look what happened to

those poor squirrels.

It's all so mysterious.

- They say it was some

sort of food poisoning

likely the feta cheese in the pizza.

If only my father hadn't

been such a big eater

or my mother hadn't liked Italian sausage,

feta, and pineapple so much.

It was her favorite.

I was very sorry to hear

about your grandmother.

- It's okay.

She's in a better place.

- That's for sure.

Speaking of being in a place.

I'm in a pretty bad one myself.

I really need a job.

I've looked everywhere.

I don't suppose your uncle

would give me back my old job?

I wouldn't be asking

if I wasn't desperate.

- Yeah, that job's gonna, Lonnie.

But I hear the manager's job is open?

- Are are you serious.

Did your uncle retire?

- Not exactly.

He quit.

- Why?

- My grandmother left the

theater to the three of us

as long as we didn't sell it.

She loved the theater.

I guess my uncle worked all those years

waiting for us to sell it and cash in.

- Whoa, what do you know.

Today must be my lucky day (laughing).

Can you forgive me, Sarah?

- I don't know I'll

have to think about it.

- [Lonnie] Please.

- I don't know.

Daisy, Daisy

Give me your answer do

I'm half crazy

Falling in love with you

- Oh, fine, how can I stay mad at you.

Hold on I have something for you.

I found these on Ebay.

- It is my lucky day.

- Well, what do you know.

Lonnie, this place could

use some musical theater

don't you think?

I mean we have that huge

stage in theater one.

Maybe we could start a workshop

on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

It won't be a stylish marriage

I can't afford a carriage

But you'll look sweet upon the seat

Of a bicycle built for two

(soft jazz music)

- [Robert] Stop it, Patricia.

We don't have the money.

- [Patricia] But you promised.

I haven't seen my sister

in almost 4 years.

- [Robert] I wasn't counting

on us needing a new roof.

- [Patricia] It's always something

when I wanna go somewhere.

- [Robert] Patricia, please.

- [Patricia] I think you

plan it that way on purpose.

- [Robert] You're acting like a child.

We'll save for it again.

- [Patricia] And then the

car will need a new engine.

No, wait that was last year.

Just be honest, Robert.

There will never be enough money

to do the things I wanna do just say it.

- [Robert] Patricia, that's just not so.

(soft jazz music)

- [Lonnie] But, hey,

about that blond woman.

The paper says that she got Phlopsey's

when the owner high tailed it to Tijuana.

She sold his ties kept

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