Spent Page #5

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I was not born in the year of the rat.

You were.

- I thought I was a snake.

- Whatever what does any of it matter.

- You know there sure is a lot of

useless junk for sale in the world.

- [Marty] There sure is.

- What gets me is that

some general manager

somewhere in some factory decided

that this piece of crap was

worthy of manufacturing.

Somebody thought that

this was a good idea.

- And somebody like my wife or your wife

put down some hard earned

cash and what does it do?

It just collects dust.

(soft music)

- Goodness checking account is low.

- How low?

- Not sure but it seems like

overdraft covered some charges.

- I didn't know we had overdraft.

- The bank gave it to your

father without charging him.

Probably knew he'd never use it.

- Well, why did it kick in now?

(soft clicking)

- I don't know.

I'm gonna transfer a $1,000 from savings.

If your father had seen this,

I don't wanna think about that.

- Maybe we should let him see it.

Maybe then we wouldn't have to

poison him.

- Lonnie.

- [Lonnie] What don't yell at me.

- [Evelyn] Oh, my god, oh, my god.

- Myra's turned me into

a slave for our stuff.

Women.

- Maybe your wife but not my Evelyn.

She is as prudent as they come.

She runs a tight ship.

She doesn't go in for all

that frilly nonsense either.

Nah, no not my Evelyn.

- My god.

- What.

What, what is it mom?

Mom, what is it?

- Oh, my god.

- 2842.

- What do you mean 2842?

- $28.42

that is what is left

in the savings account.

- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

There must be some mistake.

We had half a million

dollars in this account.

- Oh, my god, oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

- I can't open our closet

without one of Myra's needs falling out.

When I ask her about it she says,

"Oh, that old thing.

"I've had it for ages."

- You know I did discover

something strange the other day.

The closet you say?

- Dad is gonna kill you.

- Me.

I didn't spend that money Mr. Sports Car.

- I didn't have access to that account

Ms. Diamond Earrings.

- Pearl.

And those accounts are linked

that's what overdraft is.

- No, it still doesn't make any sense.

I only put a down payment on that car.

There is no way that we went through

half a million dollars in three months.

- It always starts in the closet.

You'll find bags and wrapping paper

and price tags that have

been hastily ripped off

and shoved into unusual places.

Check your shoes.

- My...

I will.

- He's gonna eat those donuts

and cookies for nothing.

There's no money left.

- But there's nothing

that we can do about it.

He's probably eaten

every last morsal by now.

You know what an appetite your father has.

Thank you.

- So it's over?

- It's over

except I've got a phone call to make.

- I think I do too.

(phone ringing)

(soft music)

(lively ringtone music)

(dramatic music)

(lively ringtone music)

(phone ringing)

(lively ringtone music)

- Was that Lonnie?

- Who else.

- I'll give you three guesses

as to who was just calling me.

- Evelyn, Evelyn, Evelyn.

- You're a million.

- We both will be soon enough.

What crisis do you suppose

those two are having now?

- Oh, Gregory, Herbert

has just insufferable.

I can't figure out the rat poison.

It's just not cooperating.

- Margot, oh Margot

give me the world

wrapped in a big red bow.

I'll be taking a nap.

- [Gregory] They're weak.

- They talk a big game,

but when it comes right down to it

- They're not gonna go

through it with are they?

- Of course not.

(soft music)

- How much money is at stake here?

- Well, from what Lonnie's

told me an easy couple million.

- I knew it.

Evelyn was cagey about the exact number,

but we can't let this

slip through our fingers.

- No.

- I think it's clear.

We've gotta take care

of our own pest problem.

- We do.

- Go big

or go home.

- To insurance.

- Insurance.

(soft piano music)

(doorbell chiming)

- Margot.

Margot, open up.

Margot.

Margot, open up it's important.

- Gregory.

(dramatic music)

- You're sure Herbert's favorite pizza is

pineapple, sausage, and feta cheese?

- That's what Lonnie said.

He'd pick one up every half price Tuesday

to take to his father in the hospital.

(bell chiming)

- They're not here.

- Well, what do we do now?

- Not to worry.

- [Margot] You know red looks good on you.

- Well, it is the color of love.

You know I don't use the word love often.

Do you know how beautiful you are?

- I am.

- You don't need to wear this wig.

- What I don't...

What wig how did you?

- Here will you hold this?

- Yes.

Yes, I will.

Just hold on please

I have very delicate hands you know.

(soft music)

- (laughing) You startled me.

I'm getting into the spirit.

Can I help you folks?

- We're so sorry.

We didn't mean to startle

you, Mr. Schumacher.

- It is Mr. Schumacher correct?

Because that is the name

that we randomly drew

for a 4th of July deluxe pizza pie.

- This is my lucky week.

In lieu of a tip I'm gonna go upstairs

right now and give you

guys a glowing Yelp review.

- Don't let that pizza get cold.

- I wouldn't think of it.

- Mr. Schumacher, you

enjoy Italian sausage,

pineapple, and extra feta

on your pizza, right?

- Ma'am, I never met a

free pizza I did not like.

- [Margot] Good.

- Thanks a lot bye, bye.

Pizza, whoo-hoo.

(soft flute music)

- Dad.

Dad.

Dad, don't eat those cookies.

- It's too late.

- The police have probably already

taken his body to the morgue.

- Can they trace rat poison?

(soft flute music)

- What the heck?

(dramatic music)

- I'm exhausted.

- Yep,

me too.

(loud thud)

(Lonnie groaning)

(soft piano music)

(crickets chirping)

(festive holiday music)

- Well, if it isn't my two most

favorite people in the world.

Evelyn, you're not looking as well groomed

as ever this evening my dear.

Lonnie, same goes for you.

Okay, you two listen.

Have a seat, sit down, take a load off.

The fireworks are about to begin.

(festive holiday music)

- Italian sausage,

feta, and pineapple my favorite.

I'm famished.

This feta is amazing.

- I thought Italian sausage, feta,

and pineapple was dad's favorite.

- Huh, no, no.

I thought it was yours.

I prefer mushrooms and onions myself

but that is beside the point.

- [Reporter] In local

news residents enjoying a

4th of July afternoon stroll

came upon a bizarre

sight at O'Reilly Park.

At least two-dozen squirrels lay dead

on the west end of the park.

The CSI official who was

called into the scene

said he never seen anything like it.

- [CSI Agent] They were

laid out like in two

concentric circles surrounding

the garbage receptacle.

It was like some miniature

toppled Stone Hinge or something.

- [Reporter] However

that's not the only strange

element in this incident.

All the squirrels were

reported to have remnant

of jelly donuts and cookies hanging

from the sides of their mouths.

As a result both squirrels and sweets

have been taken to the

Piedmont Lab for testing.

- I'm gonna need a little

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