Spent Page #4

Synopsis: Poor Herbert...if only the brain tumor had killed him... A charming dark comedy with a vintage vibe. A wife and son live it up while their miser-rat of a husband/father lies in a hospital bed--death by brain tumor imminent. It's all fun and games until he experiences a miraculous 4th of July recovery.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Lisa Mikitarian
Production: Rump Roast Productions
 
IMDB:
4.5
Year:
2017
100 min
61 Views


much good with your money

for your family, for the community.

I should've earned my own money.

- For what?

We have plenty.

We're walking in tall clover.

- But you choose to hide it all away

for some imagery golden years.

- Our golden years and

they are not imagery.

They're right there at

the front door right now.

You know just a half an hour of ago

I was thinking of taking

you to a beautiful beach.

- Oh, sure like you were gonna take me

to a restaurant tonight.

You are impossible.

I need some air.

You have been a miser

your entire life, Herbert.

I see that now.

And it is because of you

and your backwards way of thinking

that we are stuck living in the dark ages.

Well, no more.

(soft piano music)

(birds chirping)

(soft music)

(smooth jazz music)

(smooth jazz music)

- You've been good to me, Lord

really saved my skin this time.

And I suppose I should say

thank you so thank you.

And another thing, Lord

be with me today as I go

through our family finances.

Also let there be no surprises today

nothing that would poison our fireworks

or celebrations for me or my family.

Amen.

(dramatic music)

Lonnie.

Evelyn.

Evelyn.

Evelyn.

Is everything okay down there?

- Everything's just fine dear.

(soft music)

- It's Margot from the

restaurant last night.

I believe you mentioned the exquisiteness

of my neck if I remember correctly.

- Of course.

Margot, Margot, Margot

I dreamt of you

and those explosive green

eyes of yours last night.

- Really.

- [Gregory] Would I lie?

- I don't know would you?

- No, but I guess you'll

have to take my word for it.

- Well, I don't know about that.

Gregory,

I couldn't help but notice

that we had a second meeting last night.

- [Gregory] Not the most

romantic spot in the world.

- And I wondered if you might be there

for the same reason I was.

- And what reason is that?

- [Margot] Insurance.

- Not the most romantic

word in the American Lexicon

but certainly interesting.

- That's what I thought last night

as I replayed the whole scene in my head

as I lay alone in my

great big four poster.

- [Gregory] The words are becoming

more romantic by the second.

- But you still haven't

answered my question.

- [Gregory] Which was?

- Why were you standing in aisle three

of the drugstore last night?

- Was that shampoo and hair color?

- I'm hanging up in three.

- Don't bristle I was just

having a little fun with you.

I was there for insurance too.

A man has to protect his investment.

- Is that all she is to you?

- [Gregory] What?

- An investment.

- Does it really matter to you

or are you just having fun with me now?

- It matters.

It's silly I know.

And I'm not prone to silliness.

But it matters.

- Years from now when

we're sailing our yacht

through the azure waters

of the Mediterranean

we'll reminisce how it all began.

- And I have the perfect name.

- [Gregory] For what?

- Our yacht.

- Oh.

- [Margot] Aisle three.

- Oh.

- Oh, articulate and hansom.

- So I'll see you this afternoon.

- [Margot] Maybe you will maybe you won't.

- Well, I'm picking out a tie right now.

- You should.

- You know maybe today I won't wear a tie.

- Oh, very brave.

- Nobody treats me better

than you, dear (laughing).

Think I'll look at the bills

first take a walk later.

- No, you can't (stammering).

- What she means to say is that the doctor

the doctor told you to

go on a walk every day

hot sunshine or rain.

And well look at this

temperate morning we have.

- And your circulatory system has

been ignored for far too long, Herbert.

- I suppose you're right.

Heaven knows I don't wanna end up

back in the hospital again.

- [Evelyn] Don't forget these.

- Thank you.

- What's that?

- [Evelyn] Just a little

snack for your father.

- But I packed him one too.

Who'd a fed the richest cat

The golden macaroni

(Herbert singing softly)

- [Evelyn] Enjoy.

- [Herbert] I will.

- He really wasn't that

terrible of a father.

I mean everybody has their flaws, right?

- His flaws are killing us, Lonnie

squeezing us.

Rationing the air that

we breathe until I'm left

gulping at what little remains.

I just can't take

not anymore.

If he doesn't die, I will.

- Mom.

- I'm serious, Lonnie.

So save your sentimentality.

You can eulogize him

till your heart's content

in a few days.

As for now I need some help

getting into that bank account

make it seem a little less

suspicious when he goes.

Lonnie.

(dramatic music)

What do you think you're doing?

Lonnie.

Come back here.

(suspenseful music)

Lonnie.

Lonnie.

Lonnie.

Lonnie.

(loud thud)

(Evelyn gasping)

(Herbert singing softly)

- Here ducky, ducky, ducky.

I know you're gonna

like what I've got here.

But it is mostly pure fat and sugar

and too much sugar could kill you

at least that's what Nurse

Pruitt used to tell me

when I'd ask for a

- Herb, is that you?

- Second brownie.

Marty, (laughing).

Marty, hey it's good to see you man.

It's been a long time.

See you my friend you are looking good.

- Me.

Look at you.

The last I heard

you know things weren't going well.

- Well, you know they

tell me I'm the equivalent

of a Christmas miracle just

six months early or late.

- So was it the whole brain thing?

- Yes, but good as new.

- You know,

my sciatica's been acting up.

- Oh, is that right.

- Yeah, I'm thinking about

taking early retirement.

- Oh, well, it worked out for me.

Although I didn't really have a choice.

When the plants merged

some of us had to go.

But fortunately I had just enough savings

that we could make it.

- Savings what's that?

You know those women work

against us all the time.

They need, need, need.

(Herbert laughing)

Underwear, socks, shoes,

sandals, high heels, flats, boots.

- Are you gonna help me

correct this password or what?

- He keeps it taped under the desk.

- What?

- He keeps his passwords taped

on a sheet of paper under the desk.

It's also got our social security numbers,

shoe sizes, birthday cake preferences.

- You have got to be kidding me.

How long have you been

keeping this little secret?

- Since I was like four.

I didn't know it was a secret.

It's where I used to play

so I could be close to him.

- Well, why didn't you tell me?

Do you know how much time I have put

into trying to find this password?

- Can't read minds, mom.

You've kept me out of this room

since the day dad was put in the hospital.

How was I supposed to know

what you were doing in here?

(soft music)

- I swear if you hadn't

been bared straight

from my loins I'd have a maternity test.

Look at this.

- How many hours of over time

have we put in for those women

for our families and what do we get?

We get a tie on Father's Day,

and sandals for our birthday,

and a statue for Christmas.

Whoopee.

- My favorite color is not chartreuse.

- Evita is not one of

my favorite musicales.

He can't keep stuff like that straight.

Look at this one Chinese zodiac.

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Lisa Mikitarian

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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