Splash Page #2

Do you want your money back?

Well, I don't know. Maybe it's for the best.

- Hey, Allen.

- She left me! My life's a shambles.

That's the news. Want the weather?

Anywhere but the frst three rows!

Lighten up on the guy.

That's the bride's brother.

Drinking is a matter

of algebraic ratios.

How drunk you get depends on

how much alcohol you consume...

in relation to your total body weight.

It's not that you had too much to drink,

it's that you're too skinny!

- Marceau, more drinks here.

- No.

- Freddie, I don't want to get drunk.

- But you are.

A sober person would have

reached for the pretzels.

- Is he going to be there long?

- I don't know.

- Oh, I'm on the bar.

- You're on the bar.

Come on, off the bar.

This stool is in your way. Let me move it.

Oh, oh, you fell.

That hurt. You're not having a good day.

- Wasn't that a beautiful wedding?

- That was.

It was. It really was.

- The most gorgeous ceremony--

- A lovely...

[ growls ]

- How ya doing?

- Fine.

The fabulous Freddie Bauer here.

- Where did you get those?

- My grandmother.

- She left them to me.

- She did?

- They're beautiful.

- Thank you.

Hi.

- Hi.

- Hi.

You guys are in love, aren't you?

We just met.

That doesn't matter.

I know about these things.

I can see. I can tell.

You two guys, you're in love.

I think that's beautiful.

Thanks.

I don't live too far.

Let's go to my place for a quiet drink.

Do I expect too much out of life?

My dress! I can't believe this.

- I'm sorry.

- Hey, what are you doing?

Both of you. You're both crazy!

I'm sorry. Look--

I don't ask that much, do I?

I don't ask to be famous, rich,

or play center feld for the Yankees.

I just want to meet a woman...

and fall in love, and get married.

And I want to have a kid,

and I want to see him play

a tooth in the school play.

It's not much.

But I'm kidding myself.

It's never going to happen.

I'm going to grow old...

and grow lonely, and I'm gonna die:

and I'll be surrounded

by a bunch of rotten fruit.

- Freddie?

- No kidding!

Freddie?

Allen! I want you to meet

some friends of mine.

This is Tawny, and this is Jill.

- I'm Tawny.

- You're Tawny Tiger!

And this is Jill, a four-letter word.

- My brother, Allen.

- Hi.

- Freddie, can I talk to you?

- Absolutely.

Excuse me.

I'll be right back.

We'll whisper some more.

I've got some whispering for you!

Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god.

Pack your bags. We're going to Rio!

They have a timesharing condominium.

We're gonna share some time with them.

No, I'm going to Cape Cod.

What are you talking about?

Why would you go to Cape Cod?

Because I like Cape Cod.

I feel better up there.

I look at the water

and feel closer to something.

- Cape Cod over Rio? Are you all right?

- Yeah.

- Let me drive you up there.

- No, no.

- You got enough money?

- I've got plenty.

- Yeah?

- Thanks.

Can I have some then?

[ Tapping ]

- Where to?

- Cape Cod, Massachusetts.

[ Tires Screech ]

You break that, you pay for it.

Well, I'm sorry. I usually enjoy...

smashing the glass with my face.

That's about 300 miles.

You got the cash?

What is this?

[ Crickets Chirp, Frogs Croak ]

[ Walter ]

Careful with that.

Be careful with that!

What do you think you're loading?

This is delicate scientifc equipment.

Hold it. Put it down. You see that?

It says, ''This end up.''

Know what that means? This end up!

Why don't you try holding that end up?

All right, get away!

I'll do it myself. get away. give me a hand.

Easy.

- Move that--

- Excuse me.

- Morning.

- Morning.

Ah,

I was dropped off on

the wrong side of the beach.

Could you take me over to the island?

Well, ah, we're not--

We're not going--

We're taking the boat.

We're not going out there!

Have you seen anyone else

along this beach?

No,just me and the moron twins.

We're not twins.

- What is all this stuff?

- I knew it!

Who sent you up here?

Dr. Ross from Chicago?

Who's Dr. Ross from Chicago?

Who's Dr. Ross? You're very good.

I suppose you're some

harmless beachcomber...

who happens to wear a tuxedo!

How dare you try and horn in

on someone else's research!

I'm just a guy--

Walter Kornbluth is not

to be taken advantage of.

Just stay out of my way, sonny.

All right, let's move out!

A guy down the beach

runs people out to the island.

What's the name?

The guy or the island?

I'll fnd him.

[ Boat Motor]

What's the matter? You look nervous.

Yeah. The truth is, FatJack,

I don't know how to swim.

- You can't swim?

- No, sir.

Then you wouldn't want me to do this.

Stop! Ah, don't!

Please, cut it out!

There's water coming in the boat!

I'm just having a little fun.

- Well, don't.

- [ Motor Sputters ]

What is that? What's the matter?

When I rocked the boat,

I must have got water in the engine.

I can fx it. I'm mechanical.

[ Hammering ]

Did you fx it?

No. I'll go back for the other boat.

What?

Where are you going, Mr. FatJack?

Back to the dock. It's only a few miles.

I can swim it.

I'll be back with the little boat.

The little boat?

I knew it. I knew that guy was spying on me.

I want to go down!

Mr. Cornbeef?

Kornbluth!

Whatcha looking for down there?

Buried treasure?

Want to know what I'm looking for?

I'll tell ya.

None of your goddamn business, that's what!

get out of my way!

Let's pee down his air hose.

[ Laughter]

You get that.

Piece of sh*t.

- [ Scream ]

- [ Boat Motor ]

[ gasping ]

[ Boat Motor ]

Ahh!

[ gasping ]

Ah, gee.

[ Bang ]

Ohhh!

Ohh.

[ Spitting ]

Ouch!

Ouch.

[ Moans ]

Hello.

You have any idea how I got here?

Did you save me?

Ah,

do you speak English?

Hey! Come back!

Hey, come back! Please?

Just tell me who you are.

I've gotta talk to you.

Can I call you? What's your number?

I don't know how to swim.

I don't know how to swim! Come back.

Why didn't I learn how to swim?

Please,just--

[ gasp ]

It's a mermaid. It's her!

[ Shouts ]

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.! Don't go.

Come back.

I gotta take your picture.

Hold it.

[ Honking ]

[ Chattering ]

Hi, Mrs. Stimler.

Hi. What happened to your head?

- Lightning?

- No, a boat hit me.

- Mrs. Stimler?

- Yes?

- Nothing.

- So nice to have you back.

Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.

The statue is a gift from French citizens...

and symbolizes hope for oppressed people.

Over the past century,

she has seen the skyline,

which once she dwarfed,

rise in mountains of stone and steel.

If you'll go inside, the tour will continue.

Come on. Here we go.

Let's go. We're backing up.

You've got feet, use them.!

Don't touch my hat.

Do not ever touch my hat. That's it.

Up-up-up-up-up-up. Okay.

Welcome to the Statue of Liberty.

The statue is a gift from French citizens.

It has come to symbolize hope

for naked women everywhere.

Bocci balls!

- [ Screams ]

- Hey, hey.

Come on. Don't be doing that.

Take a picture of me, Vinnie.

Vinnie, take my picture.

You get it? You get it!

The statue was a gift from French people.

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