Splitting Adam Page #4

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Me casa you casa.

Stupid.

You don't

have to pretend anymore.

I know your secret.

You do?

It's not what it looks like.

I wanted to tell you,

but it's hard to explain.

I admit I was

a little surprised at first.

But it's nothing

to be ashamed of.

It isn't?

I just never took you

for a poet before.

You left it at the snack bar.

Ah.

Don't be mad, but I kind of

flipped through it.

And?

Coming down!

It's okay, I'm a professional.

You haven't seen a small set of

silver keys, by any chance,

have you?

Come and get it, Uncle Mitch.

I'm on it.

Here we go, all right.

Thank you.

Wait.

Here I am,

rocking like a hurricane

Stupid bicycle.

Lori!

Why is Vince here?

Oh, we've got this

senior lifeguard barbeque thing.

I told him to pick me up here.

I didn't know

Adam Baker had a house.

Lifeguards.

Yeah.

Can't be late, I better run.

Let's go!

Hi, guys.

Nail you later, loser!

I'm not a loser, I'm a magician!

It's a respected profession.

Don't sweat it, bro.

You can't compete with that.

He's a senior lifeguard.

With a car.

And a band.

And amazing hair.

Wait, wait, that's it.

Why didn't I think

of this before?

Guys, the only way to fight

perfect is with perfect.

Ready or not, here I come.

Oh, it's totally going down.

Wish I could see it

with my own two eyes,

but nature called

and I must answer.

Hi.

You're in my seat.

Oh, yeah?

Who's gonna move me?

Ah!

Help!

That's my save.

I got you.

Everyone back,

give him some room.

Adam?

Thank you.

That was bodacious.

And that's how it's done, Vance.

Urh!

Mind if I borrow some of this?

Come here you little twerp.

Baker?

Great work, homeboy.

You, sir, are in the chair.

What? This is my shift.

Not anymore.

Vance, you're on break.

It's time to give

the new talent a shot.

He hasn't even tested.

Pfew, tested?

Did you see

what he did over there?

That's real life, son.

The kid's got the stuff,

now give him the chair.

- But Mr...

- That's an order.

You do realize

I must destroy you now?

Bring it.

Wow, I'm awesome!

And I'm dead meat.

Vance! Vance!

Wait up!

Vance!

Wait up!

We need to talk.

Vance?

Vance, we need to go over

the set list for the fundraiser.

Why should I help Mattis?

I'm like

lifeguard of the century,

and he's gonna take

some rookie's side over mine.

Vance, you're overreacting.

Am I?

I just got dethroned

by Captain Pee Patrol.

Need a lift?

Huh?

Thanks for the ride.

No problem.

What's going on with you, Adam?

Every time I see you you seem

like a different person.

Maybe you just don't

know me well enough... yet.

We should do something

to fix that.

Well, we do

need to talk Splash-apalooza.

Seven o'clock then?

Sounds...

Perfect.

Guys.

We're bringing him in too soon.

He's not ready.

What?

What'd you mean?

I'm totally ready.

Look, I even got

my lucky socks, see?

Ugh, oh!

Lori's not just some girl.

We can't risk it.

Maybe you have a point.

We're running out of first

impressions, and I'm not sure

we want our best player

on the bench for this one.

No.

Man, you're right.

I can't sit across

from someone like Lori

and act suave and sophisticated.

I can't

even figure out my socks.

I'm just gonna call

the whole thing off.

Whoa, whoa, no way.

I'm not standing up, Lori.

Just trust me, I got this...

'cause we'll be

right there with you.

I feel kind of underdressed.

I thought we were just meeting

to talk about the fundraiser.

Uh, uh, you know,

fundraiser talk makes me hungry.

I have to get in there and

save this or she's gonna walk.

You can't just barge in,

she'll know you're a fake Adam.

Just wait.

He's supposed to tag out

any second now.

So I made two fliers.

Mm.

Um, which one

do you like better?

I like, um,

colors, font, pretty.

Excuse me,

I need to use the bathroom.

Dude, what are you doing?

You got like zero game.

Dude, I told you to trust me.

Give me the jacket.

No, no.

Give me your jacket.

What?

Oooo.

Great,

now look what you've done.

Forget it, I've got this.

He doesn't got it.

Um...

what happened in the bathroom?

There was crazy

toilet suction in there.

You wanna get out of here?

Yeah.

Okay.

I've got something to tell you.

You know that guy you saw today?

The cool, confident one who

swooped in and saved the day?

Well, it's not really me.

Not even close.

I mean, that was like a fluke.

Truth is, I'm not

even that good of a swimmer.

I failed the lifeguard test

three years in a row.

Oh, yeah, the filter incident.

Well, maybe I can help you.

Show you a few tricks of the

trade, one lifeguard to another.

So where are you taking me?

To a place I know you'll love.

Come on.

Where are they going?

This isn't the plan.

Where's he going?

I know you like this place.

Let's go.

Wow!

Don't you get enough

working here all day?

I love it here.

I mean, I used to make my

parents bring me here

once a week all summer.

I can still feel the road rash

from all hours

I spent on the Plank Plunge.

I know it's weird.

It's not weird at all.

Actually, I'd come here

on summer vacation

and see the lifeguards

and think,

"wow, they get to come here

every day."

There's not a better job

in the world.

And... I can't even think about

what would happen if...

this fundraiser

wasn't a success.

It will be.

Okay, but for right now,

let's not think about that.

Let's just have some fun.

Ha!

You won?

How'd you win?

Holy.

Do you want this?

This is a disaster.

Lori doesn't wanna play skeeball

and go on the tilt-a-whirl.

She's a sophisticated girl.

Dude, chillax.

It's going great.

Great?

But this is my date,

and he's embarrassing us.

Want this?

Whoo-hoo.

Uh!

Ah!

Baker residence,

may I ask who's calling?

Sweetheart, it's mom.

Wow!

Who it is?

You know darn well who this is.

Quite goofing around.

Ugh.

Don't you ugh me.

My minutes are running out.

Adam speaking.

I know who's speaking.

What's going on over there?

Oh, dear mother, oh...

You sound weird.

You must detect

the joy in my voice,

but rest assured there's nothing

to worry about here.

Everything here is just...

No!

blessed and wonderful.

Okay.

What's going on over there?

Go for Baker.

Adam Baker,

you put your Uncle M...

Down.

Put it down.

Who's that?

Wrong number.

Like the legend

of the Phoenix

Come on.

All ends with beginnings

Yeah, I know.

What keeps

the planets spinning

The force

from the beginning

Look

We've come too far

Make sure it's two inches.

To give up

Yard work party!

So let's raise the bar

Whee!

This is so fun!

Whee!

Are you seeing this?

She's up all night

for good fun

I'm up all night

to get lucky

This way, puppy party.

Ride canine coming through!

Oh.

Aw, aw, look at my

beautiful Penny Pants.

Look at how beautiful you are.

We've come too far

To give up who we are

Ah!

Ah, ah, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Uh!

Ah!

Ugh!

Ow!

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I don't know what happened.

Nice shades.

Uh.

Yeah, I don't know, I was

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