Splitting Adam Page #3

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We need to turn this drab,

dull, dweeby chunk of human...

Huh, I'm right here, dude.

into this.

We'll take

a multi-pronged approach,

focusing on career advancement.

Party ability.

Right on.

Rock star, love of popularity.

Which of course leads to...

Romance.

Yeah, excellent.

Oh.

First up, impress Lori Collins.

Intel I got at the kiddie pool

yesterday

confirmed that Lori

will be chaperoning

her baby brother's b-day

at the mall this morning.

Meaning, operation party boy

is officially a go.

Winston, you're

on Gillian detail.

Wait, wait, wait, Winston?

He can barely stand upright

and you want him watching

my little sister?

We need Number Two

at Crash 'N Splash.

He's got a plan to get you

off the pee patrol.

I mean, what about sensitive me?

He can do it.

Oh, hey.

That's a big negative.

Your uncle has

an important gig downtown.

Love and support, remember?

That's Sensitive's thing.

What about me?

You're backing Adam at the mall

in case party boy

parties too hard.

I always do.

Any other questions?

You okay, buddy?

Mah, mah, mah, mah.

Uh, yeah.

When doesn't this plan

blow up in our faces?

Party coming through?

Yeah!

Whoo!

Hold those hands.

Come on, kids, this way.

Stay with me.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Where'd he get that?

I'm guessing from them.

Security!

Keep going, and call for backup!

Have party, will travel!

Whoo!

Dude with the lampshade,

stand down!

And pli.

And lift.

Lift.

Lift.

Uh!

Whee! Nailed it!

Sorry, I'll get that later.

Nephew, thanks

for tagging along.

Boy, your hair grows fast.

Anyway, thought if you saw me

in action

it might help you understand

the magic that is Mitch.

Uncle Mitch, the only person

who needs to understand you...

is you.

How is this my life?

Oh, there, there.

It's not that bad.

Not that bad?

I had to pay them

to let me work this place.

Oh.

I was supposed to be

one of the greats.

But I can't keep up with all

these upstart magic yahoos

with their tight leather pants,

the cool tattoos,

their awesome tans.

I've tried to mix things up.

I even got a nose ring

last fall.

Worst infection of my life.

Maybe that's your problem.

You're not them.

You're you.

You're Magic Mitch,

and that's pretty magical.

Excuse me, young man, is this

where we get our bingo cards?

Sorry, ma'am, there's no bingo

today...

just magic.

Oh!

What he say?

They canceled bingo again.

What?

There's no bingo today.

Get the coins out of your ears.

Uh!

Wow, tough crowd.

This place is way too clean.

Someone's been in here.

Security breach!

Baker!

I've been going

through the books, Ed.

Why aren't you on pee patrol?

Because then I couldn't be

figuring out a way

to save Crash 'N Splash

from running out of money

and shutting down for good.

Phew!

And how exactly are you gonna

save the park from closing down?

It won't be easy, but I found

some profit-maximizing shortcuts

to boost revenue.

We're still gonna need

Splash-apalooza to be

a huge success, but if you do

exactly what I say, Ed...

this park will have

a fighting chance.

You had me

at profit-maximizing shortcuts.

There it is!

No, he's not a lampshade.

He's wearing a lampshade.

Right.

Now where did he go?

I shouldn't even be here today.

There's fliers to be made

and tickets to be printed.

And Vance has this crazy

list of demands for his band.

Party.

Oh.

So what you're saying is

I should just stop worrying

and just go with the flow?

What I'm sayin' is

you need to party it up.

Oh, cake!

Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is so much fun

and way less stressful.

I know, right?

Oh, yeah, baby!

That's what I'm talking about!

Whoo!

Dude knows how to party.

Plan B then?

"I like to smash people's faces

into really expensive cakes."

You have some nerve being

anywhere remotely near me.

And since when did

you get a ponytail?

Oh, it's a clip-on.

I like what it says about me.

But that's not why I'm here.

I've come to apologize.

Wait, no, no.

Excuse me, random stranger.

Oh.

Would you mind turning that up?

Oh, sure.

Love in the dark

A little but I'm hoping

it might kick start

Thank you.

Circle!

Shotgun

Uh?

For you.

It's great, it's great.

All right, well...

All I need's

a little love in my life

All I need's

a little love in the dark

A little but I'm hoping

it might kick start

Me and my broken heart

Okay, you win.

Apology accepted.

What do you do for an encore?

I was hoping to discuss

a little Splash-apalooza

over a nice, organic

root bear perhaps?

I can't.

I have a co-captain's

lunch meeting with Vance.

Oh. How tragic.

Perhaps another time then.

Danny, initiate

Operation Mustache.

I got a 10-14 in Tower 3,

need back-up immediately.

Copy, kid.

Uh!

Hey!

Who did that?

Him!

Yo, what's up, Vance?

Come and get me!

You in the lampshade, stop!

Oh, yeah, rock and roll.

Out of the way, coming through.

Ahh!

Lifeguard!

- Lifeguard!

- Hey!

Lifeguard.

I got you, Baker!

Bring it, Vance!

Can't hide from me.

Touch down!

Ah!

I got you now.

Whoa.

Baker.

Smell you later.

Oh, when I get my hands on you.

Uh!

Later, dudes!

Come on, boys!

Huh?

Vance can't dance,

you are clear for lunch.

I hope you don't mind,

but I gave Phil a sweet tip

to whip us up something special.

What is it?

It's one part chicken nuggets,

two parts fish and chips

and two parts real cheese.

I call it, son of tuna melt.

Oh.

Try it.

Adam, this is really lovely...

Shush, my melancholy mermaid.

But there comes a time

in every man's life

where their own mortality

must be thrown to the wind.

Like the seeds of indifference

blown asunder by the lips

of a hungry goldfish.

I have absolutely no idea

what I'm talking about.

Neither does she,

but I think it's working.

And if I should be swept up

in a hurricane of jealously,

let it rip me limp by limp

until my beating heart

is all that remains.

Defiant in its own conviction

for a breeze only for...

Vance.

Huh?

I gotta go.

I got you, Baker!

Vance... are you okay?

We should probably

get you to first aid.

I'll go with you.

I don't feel so good.

Uh.

She's never

gonna talk to me again.

If there's any consolation,

she doesn't

really talk to you now.

Keep that chin up, kid,

we're gonna change that.

Now let's get out of here.

Let's go.

Oh, a little bit of this,

oh, a little of that.

Uh, uh, uh!

Guys, I've been thinking.

Maybe what we're doing

isn't right.

I feel like such a liar.

And Lori deserves better.

Whoa, dude, I know

we've had a few bumps,

but you can't just give up.

Uh, ouch!

I'm giving in to expectations.

What about Splash-apalooza?

You're a two-person

planning committee?

I... I don't know.

I'll tell her something came up.

Hey, you're home.

Oh!

Ah, guys, it's her, it's Lori.

It's Lori.

Hide!

Duck and cover, dudes!

Run!

Whoo, be cool.

In a lot of countries,

slamming the door

in someone's face would

actually be considered rude.

Is this one of 'em?

Sssh.

Here, here, come in, come in.

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