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My whole life, it was obvious

I was gonna end up in this city.

I don't want to be arrogant here,

but I'm an incredibly attractive man.

I can't help it.

I don't try to be. I just am.

When I was a kid, my mother's

best friend used to tell me

that I was gonna be

a little heartbreaker.

Turns out she was right.

Her husband came home

from work one day

and found us f***ing

on the Stairmaster.

Los Angeles, California.

That's where all the beautiful little

heartbreakers go to live and dream.

every single month.

and queens

and Little Miss Cute Tits,

every one of them

with stars in their eyes

and a dream in their heart.

When I first came out here,

I had a dream...

a dream of an easy life.

I was gonna get rich

from lyin' around

having my picture taken.

I was gonna live in the hills

and drive a noisy yellow sports car

and f*** 6' girls

who weighed 89 lbs.

Guess what? Most of it came true.

Hey, handsome!

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.

- What's up?

Good to see you.

- You're here a little early, man.

- Well, you know, a boy's gotta eat.

# I don't wanna tell you #

# 'Cause you're lookin'

that way #

# Turn around and wonder

how you keep up #

# With things that

I don't want to tell you #

# 'Cause you're lookin'

that way #

# Turn around and wonder

how you keep up #

# With things that

I don't... #

Some men remember breast feeding.

I do not.

I do remember seeing

my mother in the shower once.

She had a giant

mound of pubic hair.

It caused me an aversion

to all things untrimmed.

Ah. Meet Jen.

She has a bush like the outback.

Strong hands though.

I like that.

Let's see.

Ah, Shelly.

Ladies, if you want tits,

go to Canada.

They just do 'em better up there.

Don't ask me why.

I don't remember her name.

But I do remember the look on her face

when she found out I was

also sleeping with her sister.

But tonight I'm not looking

for the tight skin of a 20-year-old.

I am in need of assiduation

and that changes the game.

Ah, here we go.

The jacket's Dolce,

the jeans are by Helmut Lang

and the complexion comes

from a strict regimen of facials.

I'm guessing

she drives a Mercedes.

By the way,

there's only one pick-up line.

Everything else is cheese.

Hi. What's your name?

- Samantha.

- Hi, Samantha.

I'm Nikki.

- I'm leaving.

- Really?

Why?

- It's late.

- You're right.

We should get going.

So wait a second.

You had dinner here?

What'd you have?

I had a salad.

- What kind of salad?

- A Greek salad.

You had a Greek salad

at a French restaurant?

I like that.

Oh. Valet, huh?

I bet you're a bad driver.

You want me to drive?

I'll flip you for it. Here.

Heads, I drive;

tails, you drive.

- There it is.

- It's tails. You flipped it.

You always flip it.

Don't be a sore loser.

Look, you're cute and everything,

but you're not coming home with me.

Thank you.

You're gonna have to do

better than that.

"You're cute and everything"?

What is that?

I was trying not to be rude.

- You're far from rude.

- Aww.

I'll help you out.

Tell me that you're married.

I am not married.

That would be a lie.

You're not.

Tell me that you're madly in love

with someone.

- That would also be a lie.

- Mm-hmm.

Then tell me why I can't

come home with you.

I don't know you.

Roll the windows down,

turn the music up

and make an ass out of yourself.

It puts them at ease.

It's nice.

Peter Bogdanovich

used to live here.

Hmm. I bet he did.

What's that supposed to mean?

Never show you're impressed.

It lowers your market value.

Do you want a drink?

I don't drink.

Come here.

Wait.

No boots in the bed.

It's my bed.

The boots go or I go.

You want to give them a good f***ing,

but not too good. Leave a little

room for the relationship to grow.

Oh, this f***ing...

Hey, Nikki.

Nikki, wake up.

I gotta go to work.

Now pay very close attention.

I call this the "roll over

sleeping smile."

- Right here is fine.

- There?

Yeah.

Nice spread, man.

Yeah, it is, isn't it?

Hey, do you keep

these cards on file?

Yeah, we can.

It doesn't matter

if you can cook or not.

Women grade on effort. It's almost

better when the meal's a flop.

It shows that you're willing

to make a fool of yourself.

It's all about creating equity.

Think of it as a point system.

One for flowers, two for dinner,

three for an orgasm.

You need 26 points

for them to trust you.

And then you can go back

to watching football.

- Hello?

- In here.

Oh ho ho, you're still here.

And you're cooking.

- I'm trying.

- Hmm.

Turn around.

Here you go.

Sit down...

and take off your shoes.

I'm gonna go pour you

a glass of wine.

Here's what she doesn't know...

I'm homeless, carless

and completely unreliable.

I do, however,

own a cell phone

that happens to be

right in front of her.

That's right, baby. 19 other offers

and I'm here with you

creating equity.

So what do you do?

What?

For work?

Do you have a job?

No.

What did you do today?

I was here today.

Yesterday...

what did you do yesterday?

Yesterday.

Yesterday, I woke up,

I got a cup of coffee,

I had something to eat,

and then I went outside

to see what it was like.

And what was it like?

It was nice.

Have you ever had a job?

Yes.

What sort of job?

You know...

jobs on lakes,

jobs on water.

Job-jobs.

Are you looking

for a job right now?

Not right now.

- No?

- No.

Right now,

I'm having dinner with you.

Is that it?

# Fire #

# Me and old Ricardo #

# We're swooping

down to town #

# We're coming

round your way #

# Tonight #

# So open up your eyes #

# Then pull back the skies #

# 'Cause we are

coming round #

# Kick it #

# That's right... #

That's a lot.

# That's right. #

Just rack up those points until...

I'm going to New York

for a few days.

I thought you might

want to come.

I can't.

You want to stay here.

Do you want me to stay here?

Yeah, I do.

Then I'll stay.

I have my cell.

I'll leave it on.

Okay.

- Thursday morning you'll pick me up?

- Of course.

- You have a safe flight.

- I hope so.

# Been so long

since you told me #

# Been so long since

you told me #

# Been so long

since you told me #

# Been so long

since you told me #

# Been so long

since you told me... #

Hey!

I don't like you two

talking to each other.

I do not like you two

talking to each other.

This is bad.

Stop! Stop!

- God.

- How do you like my new house?

You think any girls are gonna

believe this is your house?

The young ones do.

Oh FYI, I'm a graphic designer

if anybody asks.

What? What happened?

- I blew it.

- With who?

- El Paso Erin.

- That DJ girl?

No, that's Hi-fi Tara.

No El Paso's a somatologist.

- She's...

- That's...

I f***in' froze up.

I couldn't say anything.

l... I started making

cricket noises.

You know what your problem is?

You care too much.

You gotta cut out

the conversation, right?

And just like say something

to piss 'em off.

- Why?

- 'Cause once you piss 'em off,

you set up the apology.

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