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And once you apologize,

you look like a sensitive guy.

I am a sensitive guy.

All right, but you've

gotta look like a rebel

before you look

like a sensitive guy.

- Is that Helen?

- Oh!

- Who invited her?

- I don't know.

- I didn't f***ing invite her.

- She's gonna tell people

- it's not my house.

- Hey, Nikki.

- Hi.

- Yeah, I heard you were having a party

so I thought I'd just

stop by and say hi,

see where you landed.

Yeah, not bad.

Not... not bad at all.

- So, you want to go swimming?

- Oh whoa!

Helen, uh, just...

Okay, we gotta get her out of here.

- You gotta take her home.

- What?!

Just take her home. she's gonna

blow this whole thing for us.

- I was hoping to meet someone, man.

- Who you gonna meet tonight?

- I don't know.

- Who are you gonna meet?

Nikki.

Hey.

I'm drunk as sh*t.

Where's my tour?

Your tour's starting right now.

l... I love you.

- Hey, Helen? Meet Harry.

- Huh?

A tour of the house

should always end in the bedroom.

I like f***ing in the kitchen

as much as the next guy,

but you're three times

more likely to get laid

if there's a bed in the room.

- You're good at that.

- I used to be a cheerleader.

- Oh really?

- Mm-hmm.

So you took your pants off a lot?

- What?

- What?

You date the offense

or the defense?

Give me some credit.

Offense.

Offense.

- Mm-hmm.

- Quarterbacks?

- Receivers.

- Mm.

Took a bunch of acid once

and thought my dick was a Dolphin.

I hate the Dolphins.

I'm a Niners fan.

I don't know how I feel about that.

Feels like you like it.

That lady's crazy.

- Crazy good, right?

- No. Just crazy.

She almost got us killed...

trying to grab me,

get my zipper down...

while I'm driving.

- That's a problem?

- She's trying to f*** me

while I'm driving.

I need to see the road.

It's an important part

of driving.

Somebody's gotta make

the first move, man.

Yeah, well, she wanted to know

if you brought any girls

over to her house

when you were living there.

What'd you say?

What was I supposed to say?

All these things I can say,

things I can't say.

Sometimes I get confused.

What am I supposed to do?

Dude.

What am I supposed to do?

You're an a**hole.

I hate you.

Did you show her

the little red Corvette?

But of course... not.

Dude, you didn't f*** her?

How could you not f*** her?

- F*** you.

- She's got a magical p*ssy.

- Ain't nothing wrong with it.

- Oh because it's, what,

been worked on like 30 times maybe?

Hey, there's a spare bedroom here

if you want to stay.

- Yeah.

- Don't let me screw this one up, okay?

This is hot.

Yeah, this is pretty nice.

When you're rich,

it costs more money to stay rich.

I always follow up a meaningless f***

with a chatty phone call.

Keeps me in the game.

Most guys drop the ball

after they ball.

I look ahead.

An easy call the day

after a lay can go a long way.

Hola, amiga!

Lo siento por el mess.

- Hello?

- Hey, where are you?

- Uh, I'm at your house.

- Really?

So why didn't you answer the phone?

I called you twice last night.

You did?

How's New York?

These guys don't need

a lawyer. They need a babysitter.

So, listen, we have some friends

coming over on Thursday night.

We do?

We do.

Do you want to check your schedule?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Gina, how's my

Thursday night look?

Oh, that's sweet.

So we're on.

- We're on.

- Okay.

- Bye.

- Okay.

Bye.

The home team has first and 10...

Oh my God. You didn't tell me you live

at the top of the f***ing globe.

My car overheated,

so I walked up the hill.

This guy offers me a ride.

I say no, but he keeps

following me,

so I ran.

Oh my God.

Is that a ham?

I haven't eaten

since like Thursday.

Cornflakes.

I started this band...

me and this guy.

We tell everyone

we're brother and sister

and then we get

all sexy on stage.

Who are you hustling, Nikk?

- What?

- Mm. The house.

- Who's it belong to?

- Uh...

it used to belong

to Peter Bogdanovich.

Who? Come on, Nikk.

It's me, okay?

Remember me?

I was the first girl

to shave your balls.

You were the first guy

in my ass, I mean...

there were feelings.

It's not what you think.

You can tell me.

I mean,

it's not like you're getting

any from me.

When a girl tells you

you're not getting any,

before you ask,

before you even try,

you're getting some.

Mm-hmm.

What do you tell these women?

Less is more.

Why do you care?

Um, so that when you call me

lonely and miserable

in 10 years,

I can tell you exactly

how you got there.

- Hmm.

- You're a good person, Nikki.

I mean, this can't feel good.

So what's her deal?

How old is she?

I have to be inside you

right now.

Every time we have sex,

you disappear.

- It's not like that...

- You say that every time.

I didn't call you for sex.

I called you because I miss you.

Yeah, but now that I'm here,

you don't miss me anymore

and now you want sex.

- And you don't?

- I want more than sex.

Me too.

What, Nikki?

More what?

l... I don't know.

It's all very new, this feeling.

You are so full of sh*t.

You're right.

I am full of sh*t.

Does she have a bathtub?

You want to shave my papaya?

Be careful with me.

Promise.

I promise.

Lots of times I can envision my future

with a woman before I come.

How long are you gonna

keep doing this?

And then after, I just want them

to stop touching me.

I don't know.

What if we just gave it a try?

I don't want

to do that to you again.

I'm a big girl.

I can handle it.

Maybe you just

don't care about me.

You cool?

Yep, I'm cool.

You know you're

my homegirl, right?

Yeah.

- See ya.

- Drive safe, okay?

Yep.

Oh!

The snap...

Brown kicks it off.

It's 40, at the 45,

he's at the 30, 35...

Oh yes! Yes!

- No!

- Yes!

- What the hell's wrong with them?

- They suck,

that's what's wrong with them.

- Shut up.

- You shut up.

Jesus Christ.

Turn it off.

- Uh...

- Uh...

- Get out.

- Her?

Her! Get out.

I, uh...

Brown has it.

...we were watching the game

and, uh, one thing led to...

I'm... l...

- I'm sorry.

- For what? Getting caught?

How was your little party?

- What party?

- The one my maid cleaned up for you.

Sit down.

Thanks.

See you later.

I trusted you.

I f***ing trusted you.

Yeah? Really?

You trusted me?

'Cause it kind of feels like

you came home early

to catch me at something,

but catch me at what?

I don't really know, 'cause we never

really had the conversation.

Oh, the conversation?

You want to have

the f***ing conversation?

Okay, how would you

characterize our relationship?

What? I'm...

You want me to characterize

and you can confirm or deny?

- Confirm or deny.

- Yeah, confirm or deny.

We are hopelessly

in love with each other.

Come on! Are we hopelessly

in love with each other?

- No.

- No, of course not.

- No.

- So how about this?

We have a relationship built

on honesty and integrity.

- Samantha, I'm not...

- What? Confirm or deny!

- Well, you want me... deny!

- Deny is right.

How about this?

I support you

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