Spring Page #7

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- You don't listen.

- Oh, I listen.

- No, you still don't.

Oh, I listen.

Uh, let's see, I got you pregnant.

You can use those embryo cells

to heal fast and live forever.

When you do that, you physically become

half the man who got you pregnant.

Um, when you are pregnant, you turn

into a cross between creatures

from our evolutionary past and a corpse.

You could choose

to use your adult cells,

but then you'd die someday, so...

You know, honey,

just because you listen to a few

things doesn't make you Oprah.

- It does.

- No, it doesn't.

I find it amazing that I even

understood half of what you said.

I've actually never been in a church.

Well, let's go in that one.

- You wouldn't be bored?

- No, no.

I haven't been to that one

since the grand opening.

So do you know anything about all this?

I've always been a student of science,

but it's pretty and I like the rituals.

No, I mean do you know

anything about, like...?

No. The gods change so much,

I can't keep up.

All this time and all the things

you haven't been able to explain.

Just seems like you'd know

more or something.

Just because I can't explain

something about myself right now

doesn't mean it's metaphysical.

It means science can't explain it yet.

You looked like a ghost

in that picture at the restaurant.

You just saw me look like stuff

from stories you've read

or saw, that's it.

Guess giant squid were myths

until one washed up on a beach.

People used to think people with rabies

and porphyria were vampires,

but that doesn't mean vampires are real.

It means science hadn't

caught up with the myth.

And even if I knew I'm supernatural,

it doesn't prove anything about...

Fear of the unknown makes a lot

of really pretty stuff, though.

Um, Louise, did you bring your shots?

Yeah, there's one in my purse.

- You should use it.

- Why, do you see something?

Yeah, a little something.

Just do it here.

- Don't get up.

- Okay.

So, this time in Prussia,

1760-something,

so I'm walking through the cemetery

and they're digging up corpses,

and the corpses would move

from escaping gases and whatnot.

- And so they're, like, staking...

- Hey, hey, hey, shh.

...dead people, calling them vampires.

Nerve-wracking. So I left there.

I'm in the New World and women

were hung for being witches

for, like, a lot less than my quirks.

One colonial guy said I was aging well.

No joke, I was on the first ship

back to England.

So, then I'm in France and they

were, like, burning women

at the stake for having a moody day.

So I catch a train to Germany

in the 1930s, and, I mean, we all know

- what happened there, right?

- Hey, Louise?

Do you want to show me...

what's your favorite museum here?

- We should go check it out.

- Oh, okay.

- Can we get some pizza first?

- Of course, yeah.

Really pouring on

the melodrama in this one.

You look so different.

Oh, yeah, my boyfriend before

was a very unattractive Ottoman.

How many men are you a mix of?

You don't want to know.

I don't?

Are you jealous, Evan?

No, but if every...

you're 2,000 years old...

if every 20 years...

Do you have a problem with how

many men I slept with and my age?

Okay, just in the fresco

in the book I gave you.

None. I'm actually 22 years old

in that painting.

You're a virgin in that painting?

Yes. Does that make you happy?

So you really hated being martyred, huh?

I was just a peasant

posing for the scene.

After the Black Plague,

I think I was just happy

I wasn't scrubbing bodily fluids.

I have just one question.

Who the f*** is this guy?

Where do you think I got

these fingers from?

You're still really pretty

as an Ottoman peasant.

Look at... look at this guy.

He's like...

"Stop! Stop hitting me!"

I wanted to show you something

even older than me.

I saw this on The Learning Channel.

It was a bomb shelter

during World War II.

Yeah, mention World War II and every

American becomes a historian.

Oh, do they? Well, we watch movies.

Lots of them.

So, um, what happens when...

when this goes down?

This body dies

and the cells recreate a new one.

And what if you use your adult cells?

Then...

then I'd look exactly the same,

just pregnant,

and that would be horrifying.

How much time do you have left?

Until the equinox. Sunrise, probably.

Your body knows when winter ends?

When I was little,

time was measured differently,

so all that bullshit with sun gods

and whatever, it never...

Cool, well, if you stay with me...

I'll give something up, too.

Smoking.

We'll both end up like these guys.

Yeah, in, like, 50 years! Come on!

So you would be giving up life

to become a father?

I'm an illegal immigrant olive farmer.

New frontiers.

So you want to spend

the rest of your life with me?

Yeah.

I think you're rushing dating

and death and fatherhood.

Well, how do you choose

to use your adult cells?

- Or your embryonic...

- Oh, wow, look at this guy!

Whoo!

How do you choose?

I don't.

My... my body chooses.

Well, how does your body choose?

Oxytocin.

I'm totally lost again.

It's the hormone that makes women

fall in love and get maternal.

And if it were high enough,

survival reaction blocks

the embryonic cells

and defaults into my adult stem cells.

You know that?

I mean I don't, but I'm not sure.

But I can show you

the origin of the theory.

You're still not in love with me?

Last syringe.

You still want this?

Okay.

I... I want to show you where I grew up.

So if you love me,

then there's this hormone

and you'll stay the same?

In theory, yeah.

But neither of us

has much control over it

and how would I even know?

I know I'm in love with you.

You know that?

Yes.

So it seems like you should

know if you love me or not.

So you never lusted for someone

before and then it passed?

So you've never been in love before?

I guess not.

- Not in thousands of years?

- I am not a sociopath, okay?

I just have really bad luck.

- Bad luck.

- I got it.

Okay.

You probably know the entire city

was buried by the volcano

you see there in the distance.

Buried in ash and pumice

perfectly preserved

and was rediscovered

and dug up centuries later.

And if you look to your left,

you'll see an example

of one of the earliest

"Beware of Dog" signs.

Are you sure there's no security here?

No, but, Evan, I feel like you

don't want to see my home town.

- What the f***?

- Yup.

When excavators came across

chambers shaped like human...

Ev... Evan, no!

- No, come back.

- Was that a real dog?

What are you doing?

They injected plaster into them

and that's what you get.

And here we have the whorehouse.

I've never been there.

But I've been to the bakery

you see to your right

and to the bar here on the corner.

And...

What?

I want to show you my family now.

Okay, that's weird.

I didn't know

their tombs were here, but...

So this is my father,

my mother, and my little brother.

How did you get away in time?

- I didn't.

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