Spring Page #6

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and can be used to heal

- or maintain your whole body.

- So that's what you are?

You're like "Newsweek" fountain

of youth cells or something?

Sure, so my body uses the cells

so I stay the same age

and heal very fast.

But... embryonic cells?

Are you f***ing pregnant?

F***!

I conceive and about a week later

I'm a healthy 20-year-old

with 50% new DNA.

I stay the same age for about 20 years

and then I need new cells.

- And you dumped me once you got 'em.

- You wouldn't have recognized me anyway.

I'll have to start a new life.

I always do, every 20 years.

Why tonight? Why even get to know me?

I didn't want to hurt you.

- Ha!

- God damn it, I mean physically.

Before my body uses the cells,

it goes crazy.

I rot, I turn into creatures

from our evolutionary past,

- I f***ing kill stuff!

- F***!

- Hey, we both have tempers, huh?

- Yeah, but mine's worse.

And something is off.

And I thought I could control it, but...

f***, I got...

I got desperate

and I tried occult books and...

- Occult books?

- I ate my rabbit.

- What?

- Okay, it's not magic, okay?

There's adult stem cells in cat brains

and rabbit intestines, testicles.

Well, use those!

I do, but they aren't as effective.

Okay, well, whatever I saw

on your living room floor,

that was not the physical laws

of the universe.

- Okay, just...

- I need a second.

Look, just because you haven't

seen something before, Evan,

doesn't mean it's supernatural.

Evan. Can you please stop walking away?

- Please?

- Give me a minute.

- Hello?

- Hello? Tommy!

- Yeah?

- Hey, it's Evan!

- Ev!

- What's up, man?

- How you doin', brother?

- I'm good, I'm good.

- Yeah, I met a girl.

- What? Is she f***ing hot?

Yeah, she's... she's really hot, yeah.

- Um, do you have a sec?

- Uh, sure, man.

What's up?

I got this girl or, uh...

maybe monster pregnant

and I don't know if she's gonna, like,

- give birth to herself or...

- What?

- Hello? Tommy? Tommy?

- Hello? Ev?

Ev, dude, I just smoked

a huge f***ing bowl...

- Smoked a huge bowl?

- Yeah, man.

- Like, right before you called.

- Gotcha.

Yeah, right before I got

on the phone? Okay.

Yeah.

Um, no, no. No problem, man,

no problem at all.

Just, uh... I'll call you back

another time.

Call me back, man.

Have a good time out there.

Yeah. Yup, enjoy.

I know it's complicated, obviously,

but let's talk about this.

That's me.

It's something chemical.

Pheromones.

If I do this to a plant,

you have to wonder what it is

you're actually feeling.

I've seen what happens to you.

I mean, I've seen this

at its worst, right?

And I can deal with that part.

No. You want to be with someone

that is basically going to be related

to you and when you're 85

you'll look like an inbred pedophile?

- Yes, probably.

- No.

In a day I'll be someone else and, Evan,

you should get far

to keep all your stuff attached.

Let's use the time we have.

Why? Why?

For just a little while longer,

I'm a normal guy, you're a normal girl.

We're here.

I'd regret it if we didn't

take this to its end.

Evan, you know that I'm not

in love with you, right?

You like being with me.

You like the sex and all that?

You smell good.

And you're funny,

and I like the closeness.

Great.

So...

how different is your personality

gonna be when you use my cells?

Well, with your impulsiveness

and some other personality stuff,

about half of you.

Keep my memories, that's nice.

When you realize that you're

madly in love with me.

That's the only way this goes down?

To live forever, yes.

What about not forever?

Evan, I really think you're great,

but I'm not giving up eternity

- for a guy I just met a week ago.

- I know.

I don't mean to sound like a selfish

dick, but is there a way?

My adult stem cells, but they're weak

and they would give me one life.

So you'd be choosing death?

I don't choose.

- What?

- Nothing, nothing.

Seven days from getting pregnant,

my body metabolizes the cells

and that's in about a day.

So spend it with me on a road trip.

No.

The transformations are getting

way worse and I can't control them.

Come on, 24-hour road trip,

or until you love me.

Evan, maybe we should just

rip the Band-Aid off

before a f***ing scaly appendage

rips off your... head.

You know, you get until Earth dies,

I get one more day with you.

- Sh*t.

- What?

Immigration.

They came to the farm today.

- F***, we should get out of here.

- Why?

- Um, Italian jail.

- What?

Yes, they throw in illegal

immigrants all the time.

Dude, they're gonna rape you.

Anybody ever driven off the cliff?

Uh, I did once.

Years ago.

You're not driving.

All right, where's our first hideout?

Naples!

What's in Naples?

Good restaurants and stores

for you to buy some clothes.

You never told me you had a car.

It never came up.

Pull over.

What else do you have?

You've seen my boat.

Come on, in 2,000 years

you must've invested in something.

Okay, I have an apartment in Rome.

In Paris.

In Bali.

So you're slummin' it with me right now?

It actually is a f***ing nightmare.

I have to constantly come up

with new federal ID numbers,

will stuff to myself...

it's a nightmare.

- Right.

- Right.

What's your original name?

Uh, uh... I don't remember.

Really?

Well, do you remember the address

of your childhood home?

Yes, I do.

F***! Oh, f***! Evan!

The olive farmer police!

Just get down, they won't see you.

- No!

- Just get down.

Hold on. Hold on.

- Are they gone?

- Yeah. That was very European.

This is some hipster sh*t.

We should get back on the road.

What do you like more,

pool or the ocean?

Um, ocean.

No sharks in pools, that's nice,

but the ocean goes on and on and on.

It's mysterious.

Put your feet in the ocean, then.

No, no, this pool has enough mystery.

I mean, it doesn't make any sense,

but it's nice.

Like you.

- I don't make any sense?

- No, not really.

Why go on the run with me, then?

First time we sat down

and talked, it was easy.

And then it stayed easy.

And that's it?

You had a profound moment I missed?

First time we had sex.

Really?

Yeah.

No, I mean, really, like, you knew then

you wanted graves next to each other?

No, I mean I... there wasn't

a moment when I knew.

But I do know.

I'm just saying if I felt we should

share all of our time together...

and I'm not saying I do...

it's not because of something

that could be expressed.

And also, like, you saw me

all f***ed up and you're still here.

Oh.

I guess...

your place is clean. I like that.

And your voice,

your voice keeps me around.

What?

Welcome to Naples!

- Benvenuto!

- Are we looking for crack?

We're on the run.

No police ever come here.

You're trying to get me killed.

- Hashish?

- How much?

- No, grazie, grazie. Grazie.

- 20?

- Can you change 50?

- Don't even make eye contact.

Are you kidding me?

Do you have a lighter?

That's terrible.

We should buy you some clothes now.

- Why do you hate my shirt?

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