Spy Page #4

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and I thought...

Seraphina, Maddox, Gisele...

Carol Jenkins.

If I may, ma'am,

there was a 13-year-old girl

named Carol...

that used to kind of take me

around the neighborhood...

and use my braid

as a dog leash...

and make me beg for biscuits...

Carol Jenkins.

Yes. Carol Jenkins?

Carol Jenkins

is a single mother of four...

temporarily relocated

from Delaware

to increase sales

for a software company.

Okay, that is...

a different occup...

Is there a problem?

No.

I was just wondering if this was my family,

or if I had taken hostages.

I'm just not sure...

how De Luca is gonna take me

seriously if I look like this.

De Luca is not going to

take you anything.

In case you did not hear me...

you are not to make

direct contact

with any of the targets.

Track and report.

We're setting you up

in a surveillance office

across the street

from De Luca's.

You'll be tapped into

the same telecom trunk...

and have access to voice and

data coming into his office...

and that is as sexy as it gets.

One mistake,

and we've got a nuclear bomb

in the hands of terrorists.

Do you understand?

Yes.

Go see Patrick. He's got

special equipment for you.

My God.

What are you doing?

Did you come up

with your spy name yet?

Mine would be

"Amber Valentine."

That sounds like

you're an adult film star.

No, I did the spy name formula.

"Amber" was the name

of my first pet,

and I grew up

on Valentine Street.

That's how you come up

with your porn name.

I thought it was your spy name!

No!

What would yours be?

"Meatball Martin

Luther King Jr. Boulevard."

Yeah.

Wow.

My God.

This is so exciting!

You're a spy!

I know! I know!

My God!

You're gonna get one of those!

No, I'm not!

Look at that!

That looks high-tech.

It's like the future.

Patrick.

Susan.

Hey, Patrick.

Yes.

I was given specific

instructions by Elaine

to tailor these gadgets to you.

- Wow.

- Wow, look at that watch.

These are not yours.

Is that a rape whistle?

Elaine wanted you

to only be carrying items

a single woman travelling

through Europe would have.

But she could get that

at any pharmacy.

Not this whistle.

When you blow

through this whistle,

a small, poisonous

dart flies out...

neutralizing your target.

Also,

it needs your fingerprints on it to work.

That is really neat!

Stop it, that's amazing.

That is really super cool!

I love that!

This anti-fungal spray

can freeze and disable...

any security system.

Wow.

That is quite an image to be

carrying all over Europe.

It's also a pepper spray.

Why not just make it

look like pepper spray?

That's a pretty good idea.

Well, next time.

I can wait,

if you want to print up

a new label.

No, I'd have to turn

the printer on again.

I don't really want to.

Each of these

are filled with chloroform.

Wow, that is an unsettling

amount of hemorrhoid wipes.

Makes me kind of wonder...

what, exactly,

is going on back there.

I wouldn't know.

I don't have that problem.

I don't have that problem.

If you ever feel like

you have been poisoned...

chew one of these.

Have I done something

to you to upset you?

Because this is

a peculiar theme.

Finally, every agent gets

a night vision scope...

hidden in their watch.

I have heard about this.

I've been looking...

Who's that?

That is Bette Midler

and Barbara Hershey.

From Beaches.

How much am I supposed

to like Beaches?

I would imagine a lot,

if you have the watch.

- Hey, Pat, I'm flying!

- Anthony!

Don't wear out

the battery on that.

Am I getting that?

No, you're not gonna get that.

I've already packed your bags.

Hurry up and get dressed.

Carol Jenkins has to get

to the airport immediately.

And may I say...

I think it's very brave

of you to sacrifice

your life for your country.

I'm not sacrifi...

I'm coming back.

Let's see.

Hey, Pat! I'm gonna totally

crop dust these guys.

Way to go, Anthony.

Just pardon me.

God.

I think I sh*t my pants.

You look amazing, Susan.

I look like someone's

homophobic aunt.

Wow.

Htel Modire, please.

This is so exciting.

Ooh.

The Louvre.

Wow.

That's a beautiful hotel.

Not that one?

I hope it's that.

Is it that one?

Nope.

Maybe next time.

I think we're getting into

a little dicier of an area.

Ooh. That's a little unsavory.

I think we can probably

go back towards...

my hotel.

No, no, no.

No, this...

I don't believe this could be

the Htel Modire.

This is. Yes, it is.

Man.

Keep it together, Susan, okay?

Nancy?

Please tell me you can hear me.

I'm here. I've got you.

Okay.

You'll be pleased to hear the

bats have officially gone.

We are now vermin free.

Did you get your gun, Carol?

Yes, and don't call me that.

My God. Cripes.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

I can't do this, Nancy.

Fine was the real spy, not me!

Don't worry.

I'm here for you, okay?

Everything is gonna be fine.

I'm gonna talk you

through this, all right?

Put your camera in.

I want to see your room.

No, you don't.

It's that bad.

Martha Stewart had

a breakdown, kind of feel.

Wow.

Looks like they put you up

in The Shitz-Carlton.

Try and get some sleep...

and we'll get started

first thing in the morning.

I don't know what I'm gonna do

when I see that Rayna woman.

I want her dead

for what she did to Fine.

Okay. Deep breaths.

Listen to me.

You're not gonna get anywhere near her...

so there's nothing

to worry about.

God. Really?

Guys...

there's a mouse on my tits.

I think you're safer there.

All right. Good night.

Night.

You got this, Susan. Okay.

You're a warrior.

You're a weapon. Okay?

- This is no sweat.

- Looks like you're sweating to me.

Jesus!

What are you doing in my room?

What, how did I get into

this sh*t-box hotel room?

Because I'm a real spy.

I thought you quit.

We have to stop the sale

of a nuclear bomb...

and they send in someone who looks

like Santa Claus' f***ing wife.

Did you forget?

I am undercover,

because you're not

supposed to be here.

I make a habit of doing things

that people say I can't do.

Walk through fire...

water-ski blindfolded...

take up piano at a late age...

and I'm gonna take down De Luca

and Rayna and Dudaev...

and I'm gonna

get that bomb back.

Why do you even care what I do?

You really think

you're ready for the field?

I once used

defibrillators on myself.

I've pulled shards of glass

out of my f***ing eye.

I've jumped

from a high-rise building...

using only a raincoat

as a parachute...

and broke both legs

upon landing.

And I still had to pretend

I was in a f***ing

Cirque du Soleil show!

I've swallowed enough microchips

and sh*t them back out again...

to make a computer.

This arm has been ripped off

completely...

and reattached

with this f***ing arm.

I don't know

that that's possible.

I mean, medically.

During the threat

of an assassination attempt...

I appeared, convincingly,

in front of Congress...

as Barack Obama.

In blackface?

That's not appropriate.

I watched the couple that

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