Stage Fright Page #3

but is there, by any chance...

...any assistance I could be of?

- No, thank you.

- I don't know how you pick up all the dirt.

- Oh, I get around.

Any case, I know Munson's...

Right from the horse's mouth.

I most solemnly assure you, madam...

...it would be a pleasure, if there was

any assistance I could be of.

Thank you very much.

If you will allow me to say so,

you look depressed.

Yes, the cheering word,

the helping hand...

I'm perfectly all right.

Oh, good. Right. Good, good.

Is there anything I can do?

Look, I don't know your trouble,

but you don't look very well to me.

A little brandy can't do you any harm.

Why not drink it?

My great-aunt died over a glass of brandy,

but it was her 15th that day.

- Feeling any better?

- Yes, thank you.

You left your lunch over there.

It won't feel lonely.

I'll go back to it in a minute.

Perhaps you're allergic to bars.

Look...

...would you feel less uneasy

if I sat with you, or more so?

- Perhaps you're allergic to strange men too.

- No. I love strange men.

- I mean, I'm very fond of them.

- I'll just go and get my lunch.

The butler told me. Never saw such a sight.

They say his head was bashed in.

I heard they clocked him so hard his

false teeth went across the room.

I know I'm pretty silly, but I overheard

two people on the street today...

...talking about the murder.

They went into a lot of detail.

I felt so sick and giddy,

I just had to come in and have a brandy.

My father says I tend

to overdramatize everything.

I expect he's right. I know how you feel,

though. I hate violence myself.

Doesn't that make it

rather difficult for you?

I mean, I think we ought to face up

to the ugly side of life.

Now, me, for instance.

I'm an actress.

I ought to face up to all sorts

of experiences, oughtn't I?

Oh, I don't know. Supposing I happened

to be a librarian.

A librarian doesn't encounter much violence

except an occasional encyclopedia falling.

But you're not a librarian, are you?

No, I'm not. How do you know?

Well, you just don't

look like a librarian.

- You don't look like an actress.

- Oh? I thought I did.

Well, I'm only a beginner, really.

That is, I've only played one part in public.

- Could I have seen you?

- I don't think so.

It was in the church hall.

I played the fourth deadly sin.

- Were you good?

- I was pretty deadly.

What was this Jonathan Cooper after?

- I heard there was nothing stolen.

- Perhaps he did it for the fun of it...

Poor Charlotte Inwood.

Imagine coming home and finding

your husband horribly dead...

...policemen and detectives

all over the house, and the blood...

Careful, careful.

Remember, you're sensitive to that sort

of thing. You'll bring on another fainting fit.

I hear that Charlotte Inwood's going back

into the show in a couple of days.

Must be dreadful to sing and dance...

...with that horrible picture

still burning in one's mind.

Oh, it's the old story, "Is not the actor

the man with a heart?" all over again.

I once had a cousin

who had a duodenal ulcer...

...and an extremely funny face,

both at the same time.

Everybody laughed

when he was telling his symptoms.

His name was Jim.

That must have been terrible.

Oh, I don't know.

Jim's quite a common name.

I wonder what Charlotte Inwood

is really like. Really, I mean.

- Oh, hello, Nellie.

- That's Charlotte Inwood's maid.

Hello, Nellie. I didn't expect

to see you so soon.

How are you bearing up after last night?

Mrs. Tippet, what I've been through.

All those policemen.

Bothering you with a lot of questions.

Questions? They've been asking me this,

asking me that, all morning long.

I didn't know whether

I was coming or going.

Gin and lemon, please, Mrs. Tippet.

- Not too much lemon, dear.

- Okay.

Mind you, they never laid a finger on me,

but, oh, the questions. Nag, nag, nag.

"How did you know it was Mr. Cooper?

How many times you seen him and where?

And did he give you anything?"

Blimey, he never gave me nothing.

"And how long you been

Miss Inwood's maid?"

They was gentlemanly and polite,

all right...

...but give me the bleeding Russians

any day, dear.

Yes. You gotta watch your step

when you're up against the police.

If that wasn't enough,

when I came out of the house...

...the reporters pounced on me with their

questions, asking me the lowdown.

I just jumped out of my skin when that

photographer's flashbulb went.

Well, I mean, fancy taking my picture.

You're quite a celebrity, you lucky girl.

I'll have to buy the Daily Mirror tomorrow.

Of course, I'm not saying a word

to the reporters. Not a word.

After all, who discovered the body?

I'll be a star witness at that trial, and my

story ought to be worth something...

...and I've no intention of giving it away.

- Isn't she talking too much?

- Too much, too loud, too everything.

How do you feel now?

Oh, I feel a little better, thank you.

I have to go.

I don't like leaving you here alone.

Do you feel fit enough

to let me see you home?

- I have a car.

- Perhaps you'd better let me drive it for you.

Well, that's very kind of you.

I do still feel a bit wobbly.

To be quite honest, it isn't kindness at all.

I mean, I'm afraid I maneuvered it.

How clever of you.

You've got something there, Fred.

I'll drink to that, on you.

A double gin and lemon, please.

Double? All right, Nellie,

I hope it chokes you.

You don't miss a trick, do you?

You're always on the make.

My mother's really a dear. My father, too,

but they shout at one another...

...and neither one like to shout.

I can't tell you

how much I appreciate this.

You've been extraordinarily kind and

you know nothing whatsoever about me.

Oh, I don't know, Miss Gill.

You were born in South Africa.

The 17th of September, wasn't it?

Educated in America and you're studying

at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art.

Your parents don't live together.

You're a very well-behaved lady, but allergic

to murder, and that drove you to drink.

I hope it's only temporary.

But I don't even know your name.

I only know that you play the piano.

I'm so sorry. It was stupid of me.

I forgot. My name is Smith.

Just ordinary Smith?

A detective?

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, no. Of course not.

Well, I'm delighted.

By the way, I don't suppose you and

your mother are interested in tea...

...with a detective, that is.

Of course. Especially with a detective.

- Would you like to have tea with us?

- Oh, I'd love to. How about this afternoon?

- Well, tomorrow, then?

- Yes.

Yes. That's fine.

And I could take your place.

You'd never get away with it. What

makes you think you could be a maid?

It would only be for a day or two.

You'd have to be her dresser

down at the theater.

You couldn't do that.

That's very highly skilled work.

- Well, I could if you told me how.

- It sounds phony to me.

All this trouble just to get

a newspaper story.

Well, we women reporters have

a tough job competing with the men...

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