Stalled

---

1

[silence]

[electricity crackling]

[exhales]

And I said, "You better show

me your jingle balls."

[house music pounding

in distance ]

[door slams]

[light knocking on door]

[sign squeaking]

[music blares over speaker]

[music flickers on and off

at lower volume]

[instrumental version

of "Silent Night" ]

[music ceases abruptly]

[music plays again ]

[coughing]

[music ceases]

[watch beeps]

[single beep]

[whistling "Silent Night" ]

[high-pitched tone ]

[vomits]

[coughing]

[door opens]

[faucet running]

[sniffing and clearing throat]

[door opens]

Iiit's Christmas!

[laughing]

What a night.

Why are you wearing?

Huh?

Well, it's for the

charity auction, isn't it?

There's a swimsuit round.

No, there isn't

a swimsuit round.

Oh, f***!

F***ing Evie!

She thinks she's got it

in the bag.

There is no way

that skinny b*tch

is gonna get one over on me!

No way!

The Managing Director

won me.

I raised over a grand

in this, Debbie!

Who else is in

the auction then?

Heather.

- What?!

Planet Heather?

- Yep.

Really?

No, really.

You retard!

F***ing dick!

[video game sounds]

[indistinct gossiping]

She'd have to use

a tractor tyre as her sash.

She's heavier than

[indistinct]

[laughing]

She's fat.

- Yeah.

She puts the "f***" in "fat."

Do you remember the time at

the office Easter Egg hunt?

You know, when they found her

having an [indistinct],

shoving Kinders in her

cake hole?

No.

That didn't happen!

Oh yeah!

Well f*** it.

Let's just say it didn't.

[indistinct]

B*tch do it.

Wait, wouldn't that be an egg--

Look, I don't think her mouth

discriminates when it comes

to food.

In the same way that yours

doesn't when it comes to cock!

Wait what?

- Oh, please!

The fact that your throat

looks like

the opening titles

to "Look Who's Talking."

Oh, I don't get it.

[soundtrack swells

then fades ]

[loud thud]

What?

Err?

What is that?

Oh, God!

That pizza delivery boy got

"rapey" under the mistletoe.

But Jeff swooped in

and saved the day!

What?

Geoff from accounts?

No, Jeff from I.T.

Jeff!

Jefferoni!

Jefferson airplane!

Huh?

He's the one.

You know...

Heather the Heifer.?

[laughs]

God!

Then he took me into

the copy room

and photocopied my "O" face.

[laughing]

You are so naughty!

Holly...

What are you doing?

Shhh...

It's a Christmas party.

Someone's bound

to do something stupid.

It might as well be us.

[moans]

[laughing]

[kissing]

Sh*t!

[knocking on door]

Hello!

Hello!

Charlie?

- Charlie?

One of the "crusties" from

the basement.

Are you, are you decent?

No!

I'm indecent.

Now...

f*** off!

Can I come in?

No!

[yells]

I just want my tool box!

F*** off, Charlie.

You're not even supposed

to be here, Charlie.

It's white collar only.

You should be ashamed

of yourself, Charlie!

You shouldn't perv on people

at Christmas, Charlie.

I wasn't!

Look, look!

I'm just looking for my tool

box.

It's Christmas Eve.

I want to be home

with my family.

Someone took my tool box!

Oh!

F***!

Here!

[grunting and struggling]

[through door]

It's Christmas!

Weak Charlie.

Real weak!

[laughing]

Dick!

[laughs]

What's that?

Oi!

[laughs]

[screams]

[flesh tearing]

[low growling]

[chime tone]

[footsteps]

[heavy breathing]

[pounding on door]

[coughs then speaks

in female voice]

Occupied!

[growling]

[screams]

Sorry, sorry!

Sorry, sorry!

Sorry, sorry!

Sorry, sorry!

Sorry, sorry!

[bones cracking]

Sorry, sorry!

Sorry, sorry!

I'm sorry.

Oh God.

[moaning]

[hand dryer blows]

[yelling]

[can hissing]

[zombies moaning]

Fu--

..uck!

[catching breath]

[snorting]

Jesus!

F***!

Help!

Help!

I'm stuck in the bathroom!

There's zombies in your toilet!

Ahh, ahh!

[growling]

No!

Go away!

No, go away!

No, no, no.

I want alive people!

[yells]

[moaning]

[strained breathing]

[vomits]

[coughing]

[coughing]

[toilet flushing]

[sniffling]

[softly]

Hey!

Hey, hello!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

[door thuds]

[squishing sounds]

[gagging]

Yeah!

Yes!

Ah!

[yelling]

[video game sounds]

[growling]

[toilet flushing]

[cell line ringing]

Come on, come on!

Come on, come on!

Yes!

[operator]

Hello, Emergency Services.

Police, Fire or Ambulance?

Oh, err?

Who handles zombies?

I dunno?

Police, police.

Police, police.

Police.

OK, I'm just putting

you through.

Thank you.

[line ringing]

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You've got to help me!

I'm really, really trapped.

And there's all these...

there's those...

[officer moaning]

Who's this?

[moaning]

Zombie police.

[moaning on phone

and in bathroom]

Shut the f*** up!

[officer moaning]

["Silent Night" resumes

over speaker]

[sobbing in adjacent stall]

Hey.

No, no, no.

Shush, shush.

Shush, shush.

Hello?

Shh, shh!

Don't cry.

Please...

don't cry.

Shush, shush, shush!

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I didn't mean to smash you

in the head in with a...

toilet seat.

And I didn't mean to stab you

in the mouth

with a screwdriver.

But...

you tried to eat me...

and you stole my trousers.

So...

I'm not a zombie, you dick!

Yeah.

Yeah, you are.

I came in a few minutes

before the peep show.

I'm in the third stall along!

Err...

Okay.

Errr...

Why didn't you say anything?

Uhh...

Because I was...busy?

Busy?

Busy doing what?!

What do you think girls do in

the bathroom?

Um, well from my limited

experience I'd have to say

"lez up" and rip each other's

throats out.

I worked with those girls.

Ahh, don't worry about it.

They were b*tches.

You got a phone?

No, it's gone AWOL.

Jesus, we're f***ed,

aren't we?

Maybe?

So, are you maintenance,

a pervert or both?

Maintenance.

Have have you got any tools?

You must have!

Come on, something we can

use to like, cut off their heads

or bash in their skulls!

[snarling]

Really good!

Yes.

Yeah!

Yeah, I've got

sh*t loads of stuff!

It's in my tool...

Ahh!

Don't!

No, no, no, no, no!

No, ahh!

What are you doing?

Learning a valuable lesson.

- What?

Nothing.

Where's this tool box?

[sighs]

Sink.

Oh, sh*t!

Is there anything in your stall

we can use?

Only if you wanna

wipe their arses

and give them a posh wank!

Maybe that's a cure.

Okay, well...

Hey, you go first!

You know what?

Oh, don't worry!

If you die in the process,

I'm gonna make sure

they erect a big statue

of you in the town hall.

You will be like...

jerking off a zombie

with one hand,

scooping out his

dirty crack with the other!

Ahh!

My hero.

[blows raspberry

and laughs]

Woah, woah, woah,

woah, woah!

What's going on?

Er, you've got another

five dead arses to wipe.

Sh*t!

So, what's your name?

What's your name?

Did you know Romero?

Oh.

[laughs]

Yeah, it's not really.

That would be ridiculous.

It's Smith.

Evie Smith.

So, were you having

a good time?

Woah, woah, woah.

No, no, no, no!

I was just trying to have a poo.

I wasn't doing anyth--

At the party, numb nuts!

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was, it was, um...

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