Stalled Page #2

---

kicking.

- Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was partying with Jeff.

Jefferoni!

Jefferson Airplane!

Yeah, Geoff from accounts?

Jeff from I.T.

You're pals with Jeff from

I.T.?

He is, like, the hottest guy

in the building!

Yeah, people say we look alike.

So, um...

Wow!

- Yeah, yeah.

We're mistaken for brothers

all the time.

Actually, it's funny.

You don't sound...black!

No, err...

I'm more of a...

pale...

vanilla version of Jeff.

Jefferoni.

Jefferson Airplane.

[stammering]

And you're in

a wheelchair too?

What?

- [laughs]

I'm f***ing with you!

Hey, um, why don't you

jump up on your toilet

and give us a wave?

Oh, I can't.

I hurt my back

doing my party piece

for the auction.

Hey, you know the

Salt-n-Pepa routine

that snagged three grand for

the headless orphans

of Uganda?

Yep, that was me.

- Thank you!

[whispering]

Thank you!

[stammering]

No, I didn't see that.

I totally missed that one?

Don't worry.

I'll live.

Yeah, so what

do you look like?

What, er, me?

I'm like er, er,

a blonde Keira Knightley.

But with b*obs.

Heh, I've always said she could

do with losing a few pounds.

You know, I'm not gonna

apologize for being able to

squeeze into my

size six hot pants.

I mean, the world's media

goes f***ing schizoid

when a skinny model pops up

on the cover of Cosmo,

but, you know, who dares go

after that fatty boom-boom...

for glamorizing heart disease

and diabetes?

I mean, f***, when, when was

it a bad idea for a kid

to put down a bacon double

cheeseburger, huh?

I think by the end of the week,

the nations kids are gonna be

living on a diet of intestines

and eyeballs.

That's one hot potato we can

flush down the loo.

Jamie Oliver's f***ed

[laughs]

Hey, you must be

in bulimic heaven.

Yeah, why's that?

[exhales hot air]

Well you know.

Living in a toilet,

surrounded by skeletons.

Who said I was bulimic?

Well, the alarm bells are

ringing.

F*** you!

Alarm bells!

F***ing alarm bells!

Look, I'm not bulimic, okay!

I may be a little anorexic,

but--

No, no, no.

Fire alarm!

We can set off the f***ing

fire alarm!

Ahh, great idea!

Zombie firemen!

Bigger zombies...with axes!

Yay!

Get them to pay us a visit!

Okay, where are you?

Yeah!

Okay, all we need to do is bust

the glass on that alarm

and someone's just

gotta come.

And how do we do that?

[elastic snapping]

[laughing]

Oh my God!

Did you see that?

[laughing]

Did you f***ing see that?

Yeah, I watching!

I'm watching!

Keep going!

Let's go again.

Cheese and whiskers!

What's her problem?!

Er, I don't think she likes me

using her bestest lingerie

as a catapult.

Sh*t!

- F***!

What's the ammo count,

William Smell?

Two.

For the love of f***!

[cell phone beeps

then crunches]

Last one?!

Yeah.

- Well, make it count!

[soundtrack music swells ]

Don't worry guys.

I'm here to get you out!

[Evie]

Whose that?!

It's me, Jeff.

Is that Jeff from I.T.

or Geoff from Accounts?

Jeff from I.T.

Really, really good.

Okay, looks like this

is all that's left.

Everybody else has gone

full mongo,

so let's get this show on--

[gagging]

What do you want to get

the show on Jeff?!

Jeff?

Is it "the road," Jeff?!

Oh!

Are we getting the show

on the road?!

Jeff?!

Oh, please, say we're getting

the show on the road!

What's going on?!

Shut up!

I got it!

We're not getting the show

on the road, are we?

So...

What are "we" doing

for Christmas?

Okay, I take it you're not

a Christmas guy, huh?

No, err...

I'm not a Christmas guy.

You don't like Christmas?

God, how can you not

like Christmas?

Do you know when, err,

Garfield's birthday is?

G-Garfield's birthday?

Yeah, Garfield's birthday.

Uhh...

No?

It's June 19th.

It's, it's on June 19th.

Your tool box you forget,

but the birth date of a cartoon

cat you remember?

Wow, that's prioritizing for

you.

Why do you even

remember that?

[sighs[

It's my mum's birthday.

Aww!

That's sweeet!

So what's your point?

Everyday during

my 30-minute break from...

changing light bulbs

and fixing photocopiers...

I sit on the loo,

I drink my coffee,

I eat my sandwich,

and I flick to the back

of the newspaper

to see what Garfield's

been up to.

Okay, it's always ultimately

a slight variation on...

pushing Odie off a table,

or eating lasagna,

or hating Mondays.

But it's enough.

Enough to get me through

my f***ing day.

or at least raise

a f***ing smile.

I got this job

straight outta school,

so that means Garfield's been

giving me a smile a day

for ten years.

It's a decade of mild chuckles.

Which is infinitely more than

what Jesus Christ

has ever done for me.

So, next June 19th,

will I be singing

my Garfield carols,

sticking up

my Garfield tree

and opening

my Garfield cards?

So, it seems slightly unfair

and hypocritical of me

to celebrate the birthday of

another heavily merchandised

fictitious character that will

never, ever get me to crack

a motherfucking smile.

[laughing]

You are f***ing nuts!

Yeah, well...

God, if that's how

you see things,

why do you even wanna

get outta this place?

F***, I said I didn't

like Christmas,

I didn't say I was suicidal.

Jesus Christ!

So, you're close

to you're mummy?

What?!

Well, you mentioned

your mum?

Is that who you're...

"uncelebrating"

Christmas with?

Nooo.

You're not even seeing

you're Mum at Christmas?

I mean bug nuts atheist

propaganda aside,

isn't there anyone you wanna

spend the Yuletide with?

All right, well, I could layout

the figgy pudding

and mince pies on my dead

dad's cider-soaked grave.

Or, okay, let me see.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I could visit my cheating

ex-girlfriend and watch her

throw a Brussels sprout

at my f***ing head.

Yeah, and what about

your Mum?

Err...

I haven't spoken

to her for a while.

No?

For how long?

Couple of years?

Kind of, borrowed some

money off her...for college.

Didn't pay her back.

Well, that's not bad.

It was an education.

She's probably proud.

Yeah, proud.

You didn't go, did you?

I got a BA Honors in f***ing

unblocking the shitter!

Course I didn't f***ing go.

What did you spend

the cash on?

Errr, I dunno.

Yeah, you do.

I lost it on a bet with Mikey,

the pot-head security guard.

What did you bet on?

That's a really weird time

to have a horse race.

No, no.

The year 2012?

What?!

Mikey bet me that the whole

Mayan Calendar...

bullshit thing was...

bullshit...and...

Guess what?

it was bullshit!

Okay, tell me.

If you were right,

if you had won that bet.

How were you expecting

to spend the money?

Like a motherfucking

pimp, that's how!

That's not what I meant.

Um...

Well, let's just see how this

whole situation pans out.

Mikey might be eating

his words...

or his kids.

Give her a call.

Who?

Your mother.

My phone's filled

with brains and piss.

I mean, when we

get out of here...

Just give mummy a call.

That kinda stuff's important.

How about your family

and stuff?

Oh, me?

Ohh!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes