Stalled Page #3

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You know what?

I have a huuuge family!

And we all go to Uncle Keith's

for Christmas dinner.

Like, I mean, everyone goes.

Everyone...

So, there's mummy and

daddy, brothers and sisters,

aunties, uncles,

grandmas and granddads,

nieces and nephews--

You know what I can't

help but think,

when I see

a large family like that?

What?

All those funerals.

You're a dick.

I''m just saying.

Yeah. I don't want to hear it!

You know, just

a witty observation.

I don't want to hear it!

- Didn't mean any offense--

Look, just grab your bra,

pull your finger out and get us

the f*** out of here!

[moaning]

Yeah, yeah!

Jesus!

- Christ!

Oh f***!

What have you done?

Oh, nothing.

I don't hear any alarms!

Um, you'll be hearing some

bells in a minute.

Okay, I honestly can't believe

I'm gonna say this, but...

have we got company?!

Errr...

Zombie Elf!

What?!

Where?!

Look, he's gonna be popping

up any minute.

Is there anything you can

bash his head in with?

With what?!

Are you sure you haven't got

any weapons of any kind?

Oh well, only this Taser,

but I'm only meant to use it

in emergencies!

You've got a Taser?

No, I haven't got a Taser,

you retard!

Now f***ing help me!

- How?!

Think outside the box!

- Ha!

Well, I dunno!

Distract him!

Slit your wrists!

Cut your ear off!

Use your brains!

[digital recorder playing]

Use your brains!

They eat flesh and blood,

don't they?

Besides self-harming,

where am I gonna get

blood from?

From inside a toilet

cu...bic..cle?

Come and get it!

[laughing]

Oh!

[gagging]

[straining]

We're okay.

Okay.

[whispering]

Be careful!

[slurping and gurgling]

Be careful!

[straining]

Hey [indistinct]!

Look out!

Woah!

[Evie yelling]

Go, go, go!

Quick, go!

Go!

Come on!

Quickly!

Do it quick, quick!

F*** off!

[yelling]

That went well.

[squishing sounds]

[groaning]

[sighs]

[screams]

[screams]

He lives!

Oh...

Oh God.

I was hoping I had

slept through Christmas!

Nope, still one more sleep.

One more sleep.

Wish these f***ers

would sleep.

God, I am sick and tired

of zombies.

Tired and sick!

Ah!

Zombies!

You know, now we know

that zombies are real.

I wonder if other stuff's

real too?

What like?

Ah, I don't know?

You know like...

Frankensteins or...

Pikachus or...

ddinosaurs?

Wanna make another bet?

[coughs]

F*** you.

Are you okay?

- Pain.

Hang on.

When you were out

for the count...

I popped out and did a little

bit

of last minute

Christmas shopping.

Yeah?

- Yep.

The missiles are flying!

It's a Christmas present.

It's not Christmas yet.

Aw, didn't your mummy ever

sneak you an early gift

I was lucky if I was sneaked a

gift on Christmas day.

Open it.

Better not be

what I think it is.

Yeah, they were all out

of Turbo-Men.

Opennn iiitt.

"It's Turbo Time!"

Mmm.

Come on.

It'll take the pain away!

Yeah.

- Jeepers creepers!

You know what, you should

thank your lucky stars

that you didn't have to learn

to appreciate gifts

the way I did.

What do you mean?

Okay, When I was 15...

all I wanted for Christmas

was my ears pierced.

I mean, like, I really

wanted them pierced.

By this time, all my friends

were wearing earrings.

I was the only one making do

with these shitty clip-ons.

And I knew my mum was

dead set against it but...

You know, I thought I had a

chance if I buttered up Daddy.

So, the week

before Christmas,

mummy was out

getting the turkey,

and Daddy and I were left

alone, trimming the tree.

I asked him if I could,

you know, get 'em pierced.

He ummed and he ahhed

and he did the whole

usual cliche'd responsible

parent bullshit, but...

I gave him the

Disney Princess eyes

and the little girl pout.

I put up a good fight.

So...

after some serious thought,

Daddy strolled over

to the liquor cabinet,

poured himself

some egg nog,

drew the curtains

and then, yeah,

he told me I could get

my ears pierced...

if I sucked his dick.

So, yeah, I soon learned that

I,

I must've inherited my

bargaining skills from him,

because as

"Do They Know it's Christmas"

played in the background,

my knees were...

sinking into the shag pile,

and I was unzipping

Daddy's chords and...

I put my lips

around his cock and...

started blowing him and...

even though it was the first

dick I'd ever sucked,

I knew something wasn't right.

It...

It tasted strange.

I pulled his boner

out of my mouth,

and I started spitting.

"What's wrong, Sweetie?"

he said.

"Ooh, daddy!

Your dick tastes of poo-poo!"

Daddy looked me in the eyes,

and he said,

"Yeah, that's because your

brother wants a computer."

[laughing]

Ah, it's good isn't it!

[can pops open]

Computer!

Computer!

I.T.!

F***ing I.T.!

What floor is this?!

- Seventh floor.

Seventh floor!

F***!

Sh*t!

F***!

I.T.'s above us!

Yeah.

Jeff's dead, okay?

Your hang-ups can die

with him.

No, no, no, no!

I.T.'s on the eighth.

Which means...

Yes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Motherfucking yes!

- Motherfucking what?

I.T.'s above us.

Which means the hub...

The what?

[stammering]

The hub.

Yeah, I really don't need to

upgrade my Dell right now.

No, no, no, no, no.

There's a crawlspace.

A crawlspace?

Yeah, yeah...

[groaning]

Hello?!

Ooh.

Aah.

Uh.

Yeah, uh.

What was I saying?

Are you okay?

No.

- Oh, sh*t.

Have you popped the pill?

Yeah.

- Okay, listen to me.

We need to get out of here.

Okay, you need to focus.

[female voice]

Hmm...

But the queen is swimming

in my toilet.

Hello!

Oh poo!

He's a light weight.

Okay, dude!

Dude, listen up!

Err?

Okay, you're gonna

have to sweat this out.

Yeah, you're gonna have to get

this out of your system

Ibiza style.

- Ooh!

Hello?

Hello!

Santa's coming

to my hooouuuse!

Right.

Okay.

[house music plays

over speaker ]

Ooh, now this is good!

We can use this.

We can use this!

Now the party

really has started!

Wooh!

- Are you dancing?

This is the Christmas party,

isn't it?!

Come on!

Move it, mister!

Oh.

- Come on, you!

Get up and shake

that boo-tay!

Err, think I'm hemorrhaging.

You know you want to!

Let's party like it's

the last night on earth!

Errr...

- Come on!

Get up and show that toilet

duct what you're made of.

[volume increases]

That's better.

Pick up the pace, granddad!

Hey, Swayze!

You okay?!

Er, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's wearing off.

It's totally wearing off.

[music kicks in

full volume ]

[ ]

[song breaks down ]

[ ]

[song kicks back in ]

[Evie]

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey!

Huh?

I've been calling you

for 45 minutes!

Are you detoxed yet?!

Yeah.

[Evie laughs]

You know, I think

we're onto something.

A party in a toilet.

It's genius!

Urination is expected of you

and it doesn't matter

if you puke!

[laughs]

You know...

You really didn't strike me

as the kind of girl

who sells herself to the highest

bidder on Christmas Eve.

What kind of girl

do I strike you as?

One that's better than that.

Well, appearances

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