Stalled Page #4

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can be deceiving.

You don't strike me

as a low-life thief.

[chucking]

Ah, what?

You really don't strike me

as the kind of guy

who swipes his

boss's tool box,

the kind of guy who steals

a load of cash...

charity cash...

on Christmas Eve.

- Woah, woah, woah!

That's not my fault, okay?

It's not!

They accused me of nicking

toilet paper, which I didn't do!

I didn't!

But they fired me anyways.

I'm low on funds,

so I thought.

"F*** it!

I'm gonna nick as much stuff

as I can before I f*** off."

Aw, you're like a reverse

Santa Claus!

So, you thieve hard-earned

charity money

and steal belongings from

your work colleagues

at Christmastime?

Wow!

You're shaping up to be a real

champion of champions!

Bet you're wishing you'd

waited 'til I was done

shaking my booty,

then you'd be

three grand better off.

Looks like once again,

you took a gamble

that didn't pay off.

Hey, if I'm doing the time.

I'm doing the crime, okay?

I'm only doing this so I can

pay my mum's rent

before New Year's.

- Your mum?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

My M--

I thought you said you haven't

seen your mum in years.

[sighs]

No, I haven't spoken

to her in years.

Well wait.

[chuckles]

So you live with your mother.

But you don't speak to her?

Is that right?!

[laughing]

You're like an undercover

mummy's boy!

Look, at least I'm the one

telling the truth here, okay?

The sh*t's meant to go

in the crapper,

not spray out of

your f***ing gob.

Ah, accuse me of having

verbal diarrhea, if you will.

But not talking things out can

seriously damage your health.

I'm guessing this whole

zombie outbreak thingy

was probably caused

by some stupid f***er

keeping things bottled up like

a B-list celebrity fragrance.

Probably some mad scientist

too proud to tell

his lab assistant

that his bits

were dropping off.

Or he was beginning to hanker

for a brain sandwich.

And now look!

Life's too short

to harbor silly grudges.

So if--

Sorry!

When...

you get out of here...

Give yourself

a Christmas present.

Call your f***ing mum.

She deserves it.

You deserve it.

Wait a minute!

What?

Your phone?!

The one that's full

of brains and piss!

It wouldn't happen to be a

black Modasung, would it?

Yeah.

- F***!

So the reason I couldn't

call for help!

The very second

this thing went down.

The reason I can't call my

family to check if they're okay,

was because you stole my

phone from my desk,

to film two drunken bimbos

experimenting in a sink?!

Oh, you are a pig!

It's nothing personal!

I thought it belonged

to that fat chick.

You're a f***ing disgrace!

- Oh Jesus, come on!

[door thuds]

Sh*t!

[moaning]

So what's this

"amazing" plan?!

Uh...

Right.

Wow.

Yeah, okay.

Err, if the blueprints in

the office are right...

there should be

an access panel about...

ten feet east.

Well, how does that help us?!

If we can get

into the crawlspace...

we can shimmy our way

to the access panel

and be home

in time for Christmas.

Yeah, I thought

you hated Christmas.

Ho, ho, f***ing ho.

So, how wide's

this crawlspace?

Couple of feet, I guess.

I might have to suck in

the guts but you'll be okay.

[scoffs]

This is never gonna work.

How are we gonna

get in there?

Err, hold on a sec.

What the f*** are you doing?!

This is gypsum board.

This is two sheets of gypsum.

I can knock through this.

I can bash through this.

With what?!

My hammer.

[moaning]

[growling]

Who the hell is that?!

It's my boss.

Sh*t, sh*t.

Sh*t.

Sh*t.

[squishing sounds]

I'm scared.

I'm really, really scared!

Oh god!

Do something!

Hey Charlie!

Hey Charlie, up here!

How ya doing?

[laughing]

You alright?

Oh, Merry Christmas

and all that.

Um, look, about your tools...

uh, yeah.

I was actually polishing them.

The season of goodwill

and all that.

But I had to throw

them all away

so I could fit in

the money which I stole!

Oh f***!

- What are you doing?!

Getting hammered!

[yelling]

Jesus!

[Charlie Zombie grunting]

Watch it!

- Come on!

Hurry up!

Evie, I've got it!

I've got it!

[screaming]

What's happening?!

What?!

[glass breaking]

[yelling]

- No!

Oh my God!

No, no, no!

Are you sure?!

Did you--

[yelling]

F*** it!

- Oh sh*t!

F***!

F***!

[crying in pain]

- Oh my God!

Oh God, I'm so sorry!

I'm so, so sorry!

You shouldn't have bothered

to try to save me.

Why not?!

You're worth 3000 pounds.

You know I'm not!

And I'm sorry for calling

you a disgrace.

I know you're not a bad guy.

I know there's a conscience

hidden under that...

grease-stained cap

and all your...

"me against the world"

bullshit.

I mean, who else steals from

their place of work

on their last day but...

completes their shift?

[both laughing]

What?

[laughing]

What?!

Charlie bit me!

- What?!

Charlie bit me!

What, what?!

[laughing madly]

[Evie yelps]

Oh my God!

Ah, ah!

Oh, gross!

[door thuds

and zombie growls]

What are you doing?!

Get ready for our first date!

[knocks twice on wall]

[Evie knocks twice]

It's me you idiot!

Right, okay.

Err...

Stand back!

I'm gonna started

on the wall okay!

Okay?

[Evie knocks]

[laughing]

I can see...

you.

I told you this isn't

gonna work.

Your name isn't Evie,

is it?

You're Heather the--

- Oh, go on say it.

Just say it!

Heather the Heifer!

Heather the f***ing Heifer!

I should've known.

I should've known!

How could I have

been so dumb?!

So f***ing dumb?!

Why?

Why would Jeff...

Jeff from IT.,

be interested in

a disgusting blob like me?

So yeah, I am "the fat chick."

And I was crying when you met

me because they'd set me up.

They told me to come in here

and wait for my

Christmas present?

And guess what?

It never came.

So, the only reason that I'm

stuck in this upright coffin

is 'cos I'm dumb.

Dumb, fat and desperate.

The big girl who

will never get the guy.

And never, ever fit

in that crawlspace.

Look, Heather...

I don't even know

these people.

I wasn't even invited

to the Christmas party.

Yeah, I know that.

I knew all along.

You're too nice.

I'm sorry I stole your phone.

Yeah well...

I'm sorry I laughed at the

fact that you got no job

and you live with your mum.

[laughing]

I wanna thank you

for this evening.

'Cos this was my first, only

and last date.

And it was a delight.

Last?

I know you don't celebrate,

but...

I'm gonna give you your

Christmas present early.

What do you mean?

You really don't need me

weighing you down.

Heather, don't touch that.

Wish your mum

a Merry Christmas for me.

Heather,

don't f***ing touch that!

It's a Christmas party!

- Heather.

Somebody's gotta

do something stupid.

Heather, don't--

F***!

[growling and flesh tearing]

No!

No!

[whimpering]

[watch beeps]

[catching breath]

[both yelling]

[hammer drops]

[female zombie

gurgling]

[digital recorder playing

Heather's voice]

Use your brains!

[rewinding]

Use your brains!

[rewinding]

Use your brains!

[rewinding]

Use your brains!

[zombies repeating]

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