Stan Helsing Page #2

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called "The Hills Have Eyes"?

This whole place is crawling

with flesh-eating inbreds.

Okay, sister?

I say we just chill...

and enjoy the drive.

What are you doing?

Medicating myself, man.

That was a really stressful

situation back there.

I need to settle the nerves.

Okay.

Man, what are you doing?

Huh?

Okay.

Just make sure nobody

burns the upholstery.

Isn't it smoky in here?

I feel, like, really baked.

Mm-hmm.

What the hell was in that sh*t?

Special recipe.

It's a really cool Thai stick and

I dip it in liquid X,

and then I grind it

into the weed,

and then I roll it into the joint.

Man, you're like

the Rachael Ray of weed.

Rachael Ray!

- I feel numb all over.

- Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm just working on some

acupressure points.

Whoa!

Sorry.

This van just went from an automatic

to a stick shift. Teddy got a boner.

- Do you have any more?

- You should try.

Whoa!

What the hell was that?

It looked like a baby bear.

- Where are you going?

- To see if it's all right.

Are you insane?

If that's a baby bear,

then there's a mama bear out there

wanting to kick some ass.

Look, I am a medical professional.

I took an oath.

Massage ain't medicine!

We can't let her go out there alone.

Okay, fine,

I'll go out there.

Wait.

Teddy, you probably

should go out there.

No, I'm not going.

We both go.

They're gonna call us pussies

if we don't go.

Wait a minute. Okay.

Oh, boy.

It... it's a dog.

I think it's a Rottweiler.

He's hurt bad.

I don't think he's gonna make it.

Hey hey, here's comes a pickup truck.

Oh, that's good.

We can maybe flag him down and

then he can take the dog to a vet.

Yo! Hey!

Hey, how you doing?

Uh, listen, we hit this dog...

Well, we... we didn't hit the dog!

What?

There's a dog there.

We are citizens.

So we see it and stop.

Now we're talking to you.

Hey, citizen,

can you help us out?

Sammy Boy?

That's my Sammy Boy!

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my baby boy.

Daddy's here now!

I'm sorry, Daddy,

but I think he's gone.

He may be gone to

a she-devil like you...

Help me up.

...but I'm gonna take him home!

I'm gonna fix him!

- Let's go.

- Why'd you call him "Daddy"?

We're gonna get you for this.

I'm gonna take Sammy home

and make him better,

and then we're gonna

hunt you down

and make you feel what it's like

to have your bones broke and

your insides ripped out!

Now would be a good time

to get out of here! Ahh!

Ahh!

What just happened back there?

- We just killed his dog.

- And now he's gonna kill us.

Don't talk about it.

My motto is...

"Don't talk about it."

And it's served me well.

Well, no wonder you can't get any.

So far your mottos are,

"Don't get involved,"

"Don't talk about it."

Oh, I get any.

I get plenty of any.

Trust me.

Oh, look at this guy up here,

hitchin' in the middle of nowhere.

Yeah, sure, buddy.

Sure, we'll pick you up,

Mr. Mass Murderer.

Uh, um...

you're kidding, right?

You... Teddy, you...

No, Teddy's just f***ing with him.

He's gonna wait till he gets really close

and then Teddy's gonna floor it

and take off!

- Nope, I'm giving him a ride.

- No way!

Do you know what it's like

to be black and need a ride?

Okay, nobody stops for you.

I once stood outside downtown

for 40 minutes

and nobody would pick me up.

Were you wearing

that costume?

Well, this guy's not black.

You don't have to be black

to be oppressed.

Yeah, so we gotta get hacked up to pieces

'cause you want to level the playing field?

Ahh.

Yeah, hop in, man.

Whoo, thanks. Ahh.

I was freezing.

This is all I had on

when I got out.

- Got out?

- Yeah.

I was at Chino State.

Oh, um, the university?

No, the prison.

It was a bum rap.

That's why I took off.

Pretty much had to

after the riot.

That riot that

you were referring to,

what was that about?

Oh, a stabbing. He was from

the Black Guerilla family.

He touched my spoon at lunch.

Well, I pretty much

had to shank him.

Yeah.

Yeah, you gotta shank him.

Can't just touch a spoon.

No, that's...

yeah, he touched your spoon, man.

Is this going just like you

planned there, Teddy?

I have a question for Mr. Hacker.

Why, sure... sure thing, baby girl.

How was it that you got invited

to prison in the first place?

It's this particular instance

that you're referring to...

well, that was because of

a tease and squeeze.

What's a tease and squeeze?

Sorry, I'm using

prison slang here!

No, I was convicted of

the torture and murder

- of two nursing students.

- Oh my God!

Ooh!

Sorry.

- Whoo-hoo!

- It's just... my mom's a nurse.

Not around here, though.

Not around Linwood at all.

Yeah, anyways, it was bullshit.

I suffocated her with a pillow.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, anyways, her roommate

witnessed it and I had taken some acid,

so I wigged out, you know?

And the next thing I knew,

the room was full

of body parts!

Anyway, who's got some weed?

I got the nose of a bloodhound!

You sure do, yeah.

You sure do.

Uh, I got a bag of

some great stuff, actually,

right there underneath your seat.

You just gotta reach over the back.

You sure? I think it's down...

No, it ain't.

It's in the back.

- Yeah, just reach all the way over.

- I can't find it.

- Yeah.

- No, reach and see.

Reach over there.

Yeah, reach all the way over.

Stretch it out.

It's not back here!

Oh!

Ahhh!

- Ahhh!

- Stop it! Stop!

Oh my God.

- I just killed a man!

- You didn't kill him.

Okay, I maimed him.

He's flopping down on the street.

Now might be a good time to invoke

your motto, "Don't talk about it."

Guys, are we going to go

to this party?

Because so far I'm having

a really lousy Halloween.

We'll stop for gas

and get directions.

We could get some chips.

What can I do you for, Superman?

Uh, fill her up, please.

Check the oil?

Sure. Thank you.

Man, that hippie chick

is cool as hell...

full service? That's cool.

Places don't do that anymore.

Yeah, but don't forget,

full service costs extra.

Well, I don't know about your oil,

but you've got quite a bit of

blood and fur on the front of your car.

Oh, yeah, that...

well, it's...

Halloween! Ha ha!

- Yeah.

- Yeah!

Ha ha, I'm a cowboy!

But, yeah, we go all out.

Not only do we dress up,

we dress up our van too.

Ah, Halloween, right.

Halloween.

We don't participate in those

pagan rituals around here.

Well, I'm a Baptist, so...

we just kinda sort of play along.

Play along? Mmm.

Do you have a restroom?

Right there.

But you need the key.

Thank you.

We've got snacks and drinks

inside if you want 'em.

I could go for a little snack.

- Yeah.

- A little snack.

- You!

- Who?

- You!

- Me?

- Van Helsing!

- No, man, Stan.

My name is Stan Helsing.

How did you know my last name?

Not Stan, Van!

You are Van Helsing,

the great monster hunter.

Yo, Chief, I think you're

mistaking me for somebody else.

My name is Stan.

That... that doesn't even...

I don't know, man.

I mean, it kinda looks just like you, Stan,

with better hair.

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