Stan Helsing Page #3

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That's some weird sh*t.

You guys, Mia's taking a really

long time in the bathroom.

Cold drinks in the fridge against the wall.

Help yourself.

I'll be right back.

Gotta go upstairs and

refill the coffee-maker.

My name's Stan.

Ah, doughnut.

There's a whole pot of coffee right here.

Want some coffee?

Okay, you guys, be totally honest.

Does my vagina make me look fat?

- Oh my God!

- Ooh! Whoa!

Come on!

- What I'd do is I'd go on in there!

- You're ridiculous!

I'm going in!

- Goin' on up in here!

- Let me in!

- No.

- Okay.

I'm gonna use the bathroom.

I... I can't even see your vagina.

- Oh.

- I wish I could.

I wish I could.

He's so sweet.

Oh.

Oh my God, I totally thought

we were busted there

when she mentioned the blood

on the car.

Yeah, luckily Stan

saved the day.

The boy is always thinking.

What'd you get?

Girl, I didn't know you

liked Old Spanglish.

Mm-hmm.

Ahhh!

What? What's wrong?

Somebody was watching me take

a piss through a hole in the wall.

You know, tugging his totem pole.

You, man!

You were watching me

go to the bathroom!

I was not!

Okay, you know what?

You pervs do what you gotta do.

- We're gonna go.

- Yeah.

- Ahh!

- Oh!

You owe me 40 bucks for the gas.

- Teddy, pay her.

- Oh.

This is my emergency stash.

You know, you guys are lucky

we don't call the cops on you

and Chief Spanks-a-Lot.

You and your whores

get off of our property.

Hey, we're not whores!

Oooh!

Oh, man!

Teddy!

I got... I gotta...

Teddy!

Go! Let's get out of here!

Drive!

We just gotta deliver

these damn videos.

We can then go to the party.

I can't believe that guy was watching

you pee while he masturbated.

You know, Mia,

he probably watched you too.

Mmm, yeah, he did.

Do you know that for sure?

- Oh, yeah, I saw him.

- What?

Why didn't you tell us?

Because I put on

a little show for him

and I thought he was,

you know, finished.

You put on a little show for him?

Well, yeah,

I felt sorry for him.

Anyway, that's the real reason

I changed.

Take this right! Take this right!

- Oh.

- Oh my God.

Okay, we're on Mockingbird Lane.

This takes us right to the main

gate of where we're going.

It's about a quarter mile ahead.

- 'Evening.

- 'Evening.

Are you going to a party?

Um, we're making a delivery.

Deliveries go to the east gate.

This is the west gate.

Well, how do you get to

the east gate?

The east gate doesn't open

for deliveries till 7:00 AM.

You look very familiar.

West gate.

Well, why don't you hit it

with a little WD-40?

When my chainsaw sticks,

that always does the trick.

You're welcome.

Yeah, see, we're not really making

an official delivery.

We're kind of just dropping

something off to a friend.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

Ha. Welcome to

Stormy Night Estates.

- You know how it got its name?

- No.

It used to be the backlot

for Stormy Night Pictures.

They made all of

the popular horror movies

right up until the fire.

West gate.

A hockey mask?

That's a new one.

Yeah, but he shouldn't be

looking in your window.

I'll... I'll keep an eye out.

- The fire started at midnight.

- If... if we could...

Then developers bought this land

and built this.

But they still say you shouldn't

be out here after midnight.

We're kind of in a hurry.

Can we just go on our way?

Oh, be my guest.

West gate.

You're afraid to go to sleep?

What kind of nightmares?

All right, so what are

we looking for?

Um... 1428 Elm Street.

The last house on the left.

What's... what's wrong?

The gauge says we're empty.

Man, that crazy hippie lady

didn't put any gas in the car.

As a matter of fact, I bet she

siphoned some of it out.

Well, let's get out. I mean, it's a gated

community. It can't be that far.

Why don't we just, you know,

ask the security guard?

That's weird. He's gone.

Well, come on. We've got a party

to go to. Let's drop off these videos.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I guess that guy found oil

for his chainsaw.

Oh, my gosh.

Check out the dates they all died.

What a coincidence.

Nevermore!

That sounds familiar.

- You're an idiot.

- Hey, that sounds familiar too.

Faster! Spit on it! Spit on it!

How much do I owe you?

Now leave.

Oh my God. Three in a row.

Something is going on!

When did Rocket Suckers

get balls?

Hey, check out the guy

running the truck.

Oh, look, there's a sign

for a bar.

Oh, great, 'cause after

seeing that, I'm starving!

Come on, man, I was talking

about the ice cream, not...

pictures. Forget it.

I'm not even gonna...

I'm not gay, so I don't know what

you guys are staring at me for.

I'm crazy...

Crazy for feeling...

That's that guy.

That's the guy.

You'd think they'd never seen

a brother in a superhero costume before.

Mm-hmm.

How you doin'

Okay. How's your dog?

- 'Evening, everybody.

- How are you folks?

How you doin'

Good evening.

All right. Yes, those are her breasts.

That is a black man

in a Superman outfit.

All right, bro.

- Let's just have a seat here.

- Okay.

- Oh, here's a table.

- Let's just sit down right here.

Yeah yeah, all right.

That's good.

Careful of the pie.

Damn!

Uh, now what can I do for you?

Menus?

No menus.

We make everything here.

Great. Well, I'll have three

cheeseburgers for here, one to go,

extra mayo, french fries

and a triple chocolate shake.

Would you like that in an IV?

It's quicker.

- No.

- No.

Can I get some sliced mango,

a pinch of salt, squeeze of lemon,

Diet Coke in a can with

a bendy straw?

You got it, cowgirl.

And I'm going to have

a chicken pot pie and an iced tea, please.

You know, this is the first time I've seen

a push-up bra on an Indian.

Actually, you know, the correct term

is Native American. So...

Pocahontas, around here

the native term is "hooker."

Hmm? Oh, uh, I'll have a salad and...

Never mind.

She just called me a hooker!

I'm gonna talk to the manager. I don't think

they like how she's talking to us.

One order from the freaks

at table 9!

Might want to rethink about

talking to the manager.

You know what? Let's just eat and deliver

those videos and get out of town.

Well, we can't since

we don't have any gas.

- Remember?

- That's right.

All right. Well, I'll call AAA.

And then if they're not here by

the time we're done,

I guess I'll just call a taxi.

Is that all right?

Okay.

I'm not getting a signal up in here.

That's 'cause cell phones don't work

in Stormy Night Estates.

Why not?

Because they don't want anybody

calling out to the outside world.

Elwood, I told you never

to bother the customers.

I'm sorry.

Okay, drinks for everybody. Uh...

who gets what?

Where's the men's room?

At the back wall, turn right.

Hey, buddy, how about

a courtesy flush, huh?

Thank you.

Hey, pal, you think you could

pass me a roll of toilet paper, please?

Here you go.

Thank you very much.

It's a boy!

And whatever you do,

don't be in town after midnight,

- because ever since...

- You guys!

This is crazy. So I'm in the stall

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