Stan Helsing Page #4

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doing my business,

and the guy next to me in the stall

asks for some toilet paper

and I said sure. So when he

reaches his hand under...

- Excuse me. You guys are up.

- Up where? Where?

- What are you talking about?

- To sing. Your group.

What are you talking about?

We're not singing.

- No.

- We're not singing.

- Then what'd you sign up for?

- We didn't sign up.

Your friend Superman here

signed you up

when you were in

the men's room.

Teddy? Teddy?

Are you kidding me?

Why did you sign us up?

Well, I figured it, you know,

it would help us fit in.

Who cares about fitting in?

Teddy, you're the only brother here

wearing a Superman outfit.

Fit in? Fit in?

We're not gonna sing.

Take us off the list.

Okay.

Just take us off the list.

All right, all right.

Uh, the freaks at table 9

say they're too good to sing karaoke

at our shitty little bar and grill.

No no...

Easy easy.

I didn't say "shitty."

Everybody, calm down.

Love

Is a burning thing

And makes a fiery ring

Bound by wild desire

I fell into a ring of fire

I fell into a burning ring of fire

I went down down down

And the flames went higher

- And it burns burns burns

- Burns burns burns

The ring of fire

The ring with fire...

What?

I just thought you guys might

like a little Johnny Cash.

We like Johnny Cash.

It's just we're still a little

sensitive about fires,

ever since the one that destroyed

and cursed our town.

That's right. That's right.

The security guard told us.

Your whole town burned up.

Uh, sorry?

Um, well...

Howdy. I'm Stan Helsing.

This is...

Hey, did you say Van Helsing?

No, I didn't say Van Helsing.

I said Stan Helsing.

Stan Helsing,

not Van Helsing.

Why does everybody want me

to be Van Helsing?

Ever since the fire, this town has

been tormented by monsters.

Legend has it that one day

a Van Helsing will come

and save us from this curse.

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but I'm Stan Helsing,

not Van Helsing.

I'm not here to save anybody.

Sorry.

Well, I'm glad I didn't suggest

we sing Clay Aiken.

Stan, I don't understand why you're

ducking this whole Van Helsing thing.

I'm not ducking anything!

I'm Stan. Stan, man.

I'm not a monster killer.

I don't want to let these

townspeople down.

Don't worry, it's just a clock.

That can't be good.

I forgot my cell phone.

- What?

- The door is locked.

Well, go get your phone, Teddy.

I ain't going on my own...

It is dark in there.

Ooh, I have a flashlight.

Ahh!

You guys, I can't run anymore.

I ain't running no more.

What the hell are you doing?

What is that?

It's my to-go burger.

Prepare yourself

to die, mortal!

Run to the west gate!

This whole town is full

of skeletons.

Man, this whole town is dead.

Oh my God.

Maybe this is like "The Sixth Sense"

and we're the ones who are really dead.

You know what, Mia? I've been

holding something back all night,

so I'm just gonna

go ahead and say it now:

That doesn't make any sense,

you stupid b*tch.

Yeah, I feel better now.

- Try the guardhouse phone.

- Good idea.

Big surprise... it's dead.

- Hello?

- We know who you are.

- Who is this?

- How'd you like my ass?

- Dad?

- I may be a little doll,

but I'm gonna chop you

and your friends into pieces.

You know who that was?

That was that doll

that we were driving next to

that showed me his ass.

Oh my God.

Stan, I know it's been

a stressful night,

but there was no doll.

And there definitely was no doll

- showing you his ass!

- I'm out of here.

Come on.

God.

Stan!

Stan? Stan?

Are you okay?

Oh. Ah.

- Nadine?

- Yes.

Why did we break up?

Don't you remember?

I think so.

Yeah, so I told the guy,

I was like, "Listen,

I'm the only guy here

at the karaoke bar

that sings 'Temple of the Dog."

I had to lay down the law,

you know?

I just think that grunge didn't have

enough time to, like, fully mature.

You know?

Like it's still evolving.

And that's what I'm trying to do,

just bring my music back to that...

...you know, so...

- How did you do that?

- I don't know.

Ever since I was a kid,

I was, you know,

able to snatch bugs and stuff.

Wow.

Number 74, your order's ready!

That's us. I'll go get it,

since you paid and all.

It's not the way that

You carry on in bed

It's not your last laugh

It's not your game

It's not the way that

You wear your saddle straps

It's in your name

And it's in your gaze

Oooh...

Pot pie.

Uh, I wish that was

a real pot pie.

That would be fun.

So hungry,

I'm gonna eat you.

What?

I think we should stop

seeing each other.

Who are you doing?

Stan?

Stan?

Stan, are you okay?

- Nadine?

- Yeah.

Are you wearing any underwear?

Yep, he's fine.

Man, how was

the flashback?

It was terrible.

But the food was delicious.

All right, well, let's go find

the east gate.

Good idea.

I taste metal.

- East gate. East gate.

- Oh. Okay.

Look, this place can't be that big.

We'll find somebody to help us out,

drop these videos off and get out

of this godforsaken place.

Hey, look, a truck.

- Hey, it's stopping.

- What is he doing?

- We should ask him for some help.

- Nope.

We should. Who else is there?

Hey, buddy!

- Hey!

- Excuse me, sir?

- Over here!

- You,

with the yarmulke!

Oh, he's leaving.

- Wait a minute.

- What was he doing?

He threw something down

that metal tube.

Yeah, but that

something was moving.

Yeah, and that something

was bloody.

Hello?

- Hey, Mia, hand me your flashlight.

- Oh, sure.

- What are you doing?

- Sorry.

Hello, sir?

Yoo-hoo!

Sir, I know you're tied up right now,

but could you please

throw me my flashlight?

Hello?

Oh, no no!

Oh! Oh!

- Do you have her?

- Yeah, I got her!

Damn.

I think now would be

a great time

for a reverse POV.

Oh, sh*t.

Stop it.

Stan. Oh.

A little higher.

Oh, right there.

Oh, no.

Come back.

Stan, can you pull her up?

I'll try.

I should have grabbed

your hands.

You know, I'm gonna just keep

these for later... no, evidence.

That's evidence.

Help me, I'm not wearing

any underwear!

Hey.

A perfectly good pencil.

Can you pull me up?

No.

Well, try lowering me down

a little farther.

Okay, we'll try.

You know, I think you're gonna have to

get in the tube and grab his ankles

and then I'll hold onto yours.

- Are you gonna look up my skirt?

- No. Probably.

Okay.

Uh, ahhh!

I feel like a lost little doggie.

Ooh!

Ooh-oooh!

Oh, wait, wait a minute.

Ah, okay.

There it is. It came out.

Okay.

A little deeper.

A few more inches.

Yeah, that's what you

b*tches always say...

to somebody else!

Not Teddy.

Teddy... Teddy gets it done.

Ain't nobody out here.

Ahh!

Where... where am I?

Where am I? Where...

- Where is this place?

- Uh, I don't know,

but your hands are

on my breasts.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ahh! A rat. I'll kill it!

No, he's my friend.

Oh! Oh no, I think he's hurt.

Is that someone's ass?

Oh my God.

- Help me.

- Dude, you look like sh*t.

You're like a really messed-up

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