Stan Helsing Page #5

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Paul Giamatti.

Who did this to you?

It's... it's horrible.

Vicious.

It's... it's...

It's what?

For the love of God, tell us!

It's behind you.

Ahh!

Okay.

One, two, here you go.

Take my hand.

Hey, a church.

Maybe there's like a priest

inside who can help us.

Let's go.

It worked.

He didn't follow us in.

This place is so beautiful.

Makes me wish I'd worn

my nun costume.

Disturbing.

Jeez!

Jesus Christ.

You can't sneak up on me

like that, Father.

I'm not a priest.

I'm an altar boy.

Almost a priest.

Okay.

Hey, you think you can maybe, like,

hide us, you know?

Keep us safe?

Ooh, I can hide them.

I mean, I can hide you...

but you will never be safe.

I think he likes you.

You are Van Helsing,

the monster killer.

Oh, man, not you too.

Look, dude, it's... it's Stan.

It's Stan Helsing.

I'm no monster killer.

I work at a video store.

- No.

- Hey hey hey hey hey.

I thought you said

you weren't a priest.

Almost a priest.

He is Stan Van Helsing,

descendant of

Dr. Abraham Van Helsing,

and salvation of all

who are trapped

in Stormy Night Estates.

Why do you reject the role

you were born to?

Go ahead, Stan.

Tell him some of your mottos.

Okay. Look, dude,

I just like to go with the flow.

What's the problem with that?

I'm no monster killer.

I'm certainly no leader.

- I'm just here to drop off these videos.

- Shh shh shh shh!

It has been said

that some are born to greatness,

some achieve greatness,

and some have greatness

thrust upon them.

Sweet greatness.

You sure you're not a priest?

This close... almost a priest.

Okay.

What's the plan?

Follow me.

Please come this way.

Hang your torches on the wall.

I will give you some items

that will aid you in your quest.

- Sweet.

- Yeah. Yeah, you will.

Holy chest of mystery...

Wow.

Oh, that chest.

This chest.

For you, this sweet jacket.

Yeah.

Ooh, that is really gonna bring out

the color of your eyes.

Oh, yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh.

Ahh! Not to be

referred to now,

but upon meeting the enemy.

Oh, right. 'Cause I'm sure the monsters

will wait on killing us

while I read my monster handbook.

Filled with holy water...

- Yeah, that's mine.

- No, it's not.

...to buy you the time.

Wow, I wonder if Jesus used that.

Say, man, what about

the rest of us?

You will know once you use this

why it alters your look.

I didn't know my look

needed altering.

Well, you could

pluck your eyebrows.

And for you...

no explanation necessary.

The Strip-a-lot 3000s.

I wanted these for Christmas.

And for you, super one...

- Oh!

... for when you get hungry,

one final shameless

product placement,

a Fatburger for my fat

little superhero.

Here you go, big guy.

Hope this doesn't turn into that dude

with the needles in his head.

Maybe we should just camp out

here until morning, then call a taxi.

No! How dare you reject

the opportunity

that has been given you?

Be gone!

God help you.

Thanks, Stan.

- What?

- Not many people can say

they've actually been

thrown out of a church.

Oh, boy.

I still can't get over that.

What's this?

Oh. What? Whoa!

Oh! Ahh!

- What in the...

- Teddy, you know what I'm thinking?

- Fantasy sequence?

- Yeah!

Yeah!

Mmm! Mm-hmm!

Here you go.

Whoo-hoo!

Here you go... bang.

Whoa whoa! Pah!

- Titties titties

- Ass ass titties...

So what's you guys's names?

Names? What are names?

Don't tell us your name.

Tell us... tell us your

stripper names.

We are the brides of Dracula.

Well, I hope he's out of

town on business. Ha ha!

Damn!

How much for a lap dance?

Right here in your hole.

Look at those toes.

What is your name?

Stan.

Sta... Stan...

Helsing.

Stan Helsing.

Stan Helsing?

Don't you mean Van Helsing?

No no no,

it's Stan Helsing.

Hey, all right.

That's for you.

- We're outta here.

- What do you mean you're out of here?

- What's wrong?

- Wait, what?

Baby...

Come on!

Hey. Wait... wait a minute,

wait a minute.

I... I wanted to show you something.

Say, this is a fantasy.

You don't walk out on a fantasy like that.

Man, the next time three fine womans

with their breasteses exposed

ask you if your name

is Van Helsing, the answer is yes!

Oh, hey.

We were, uh...

doing a little, uh...

- uh, recon.

- That's all. What's that up there?

- Uh, about a 2"x30"?

- That's a 2"x30".

I have to admit,

as a fellow professional,

those dancers were pretty good.

Yeah, I think that one girl

was ambidextrous.

Wow, I'd give my right arm

to be ambidextrous.

You know, all this monster killing

is bullshit.

Our first plan should be to escape.

We need to find the east gate.

- I'm with you.

- Me too.

Me too.

It's anonymous!

Hey, there's a guy.

Maybe he can help us. Hey, sir?

Do you know how to get to the east...

Oh God! Ahhh!

I can picture you naked...

You shall not pass!

I can picture you naked...

I can picture you naked...

How come we're not losing him?

Hey, look, a police station!

Police! What... what?

Man, this is just an old movie set.

You know, besides the fact

that we've been in constant danger

from the moment we got here,

this town is really cute.

Shh shh shh shh.

Wait, guys, shh! Listen.

- Shh shh shh shh.

- You guys hear that?

- That's him, isn't it?

- Uh-huh.

Ahh!

Maybe we should run inside

one of these houses.

Great idea. Then what?

Should we hide up in the attic?

Maybe we should try hiding in this house.

I'm tired of running.

Let's do it.

Well, in case he saw us

come in here.

He saw us. He saw us!

He saw us!

Run!

Holy moly!

Maybe try this one.

Looks like a bathroom.

Is it a bathroom?

Look, there's a pay phone.

It takes tokens.

Come on, come on.

Operator. Op...

Hi there, baby.

Anything you need to

get off your mind?

I think that one has

a double meaning, Stan.

We'll do whatever you want.

We don't want to jerk you around.

Yeah, that one has

a double meaning too.

- That's pretty specific.

- Oh!

I think I just got off.

Oh.

That's okay.

That could happen to anyone,

even Stan.

Oh, little Stan!

Yeah.

Stan!

- More cream, Stan.

- Yeah.

Sorry.

Can I call you back?

Mm-hmm.

We should try upstairs.

Do you take debit cards?

This is good. Come on.

Move the bed!

Block the door.

Oh!

Wow, I can...

barely keep my eyes...

Um...

Oh, Jeez!

Guys...

we did it. We did it!

Yeah, we did it!

- We did it!

- Let's go!

Teddy, I don't know about you,

but I haven't slept

that well in years.

Yeah, whatever!

I know I ruined our night,

and I'm sorry,

but since it's daylight,

I'd really like to drop off these videos.

Can we get some breakfast?

I'm starving.

- That's so weird.

- Not so weird!

Ahhh!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ahh!

Can you say "b*tch slap"?

- Man, I had this nightmare.

- Me too.

The guy had, like, a Swiss Army knife

on his hand.

- And he smacked us.

- Across the face.

When did you change into

a nurse's outfit?

Oh, in my dream.

Well, we can't fall asleep again

because that's when he'll kill us.

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